Such a mess. Sexual pressure

[Ripon123]

I’m just in such a mess. I love him so much but he twists everything so it’s my fault. One minute I’m his princess the next I’m the worst person alive. I can’t keep up.
He wants things sexually I don’t. Both to sext about and actually do. I can’t say no. If I do he either goes crazy at me threatening to kill me, name calling, breaking things. Or he completely shuts me out saying it makes him feel bad and like killing himself. Which of course is my fault and I need to fix it. I’ve ended up in a situation where I’ve done things I’m not okay with. It’s destroying me. Then I feel even more like I can’t say no because I’ve already done them now. Has anyone had similar experiences of sexual pressure? How have you coped with it. What have you done to stop it. I tried to have a conversation with him about not doing the things I’m not comfortable with but it went terrible. I was the worst person in the world by then end. I felt so tied up I believed I was wrong and apologised. Think I’m still been punished for it now. It’s only looking back on the argument/lecture afterwards I know I wasn’t. Any advice, similar experience really appreciated. Thank you x

[lover of no contact]

Welcome and you’re definitely in the right place posting on here. My heart goes out to you suffering in this way because of him. It’s very confusing dealing with these types of people because he’s probably sweet as pie to you at other times. However the truth is he doesn’t care for your feelings, doesn’t care if you’re upset and in distress. Actually when you’re hurt and upset he’s secretly smiling to himself and feeling Powerful to have reduced you to tears and to have that power over you you to get you to do what he wants when it goes against your values, and preferences even morals maybe. I too succumbed to the subtle and sometimes not so subtle pressure to do things that went against my values and morals (with 2 previous abusers; one my first boyfriend as a teenager and the 2nd I married. I put up a mental fight (saying no, explaining why, reasoning, justifying ) why I didn’t want to do sexually what they wanted. They just wore me down, dominated me with their pressure, which was relentless until they got their way. I still said no, put up a mental fight. They could see I was distressed and upset about doing this. They didn’t care. They wanted what they wanted regardless of how I felt. Eventually I gave it, justifying it to myself that it was ok because they were good people (they weren’t) and I trusted them and I had so loved their love-bombing where they pretended they adored me (they didn’t and how could I have known it was a big pretense as they’re incapable of love). Keep posting and reading the posts, knowledge about these abuser-types is Power.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, yes many of us have been coerced into doing something we didn’t feel comfortable with or not want to do at all. Times when we’ve been curious about something and because you’ve done it once, it becomes part of your sex life. This is sexual abuse. It eventually kills the love you felt fir your partner. Please don’t let it make you feel bad,eat away at you, this is his sickness, his perverse desires. Most abusers have been brought up around porn, learnt how to treat women through porn, because of course the women in those movies enjoy what happens don’t they.🙄 Maybe they do,but not all of them do. It’s a job, they’re acting. He’s acting out his fantasies, maybe with a willing partner in the beginning, but you’re not now, and no means no. When you do something because of fear of the consequences that’s rape. Contact rape crisis and woman aid, you are not his sexual plaything thing sweetheart. You are allowed to say no. Look up trauma bonding, it’s a release of chemicals that cause the bonding, like what happens when a mum has a baby. Your ‘partner’ causes those chemicals to release when he’s loving and also vile. The chemicals released in fight/flight/freeze situations are the exact same as when we fall in love.
Keep posting sweetheart, you can get through this and away from him. He won’t change into a loving thoughtful partner, he’s already threatening to kill himself, make you feel bad for not complying. Those aren’t the actions of a loving caring partner.
IWMB 💞💞

[Ripon123]

Thank you both so much for taking the time to write back to me. You really don’t know what it means I feel a little less alone. I didn’t know if anyone would respond. Like you I fight it but eventually give in. It’s just becoming more and more specially with lock down keeping him bored ☹️

[Iwantmeback]

Yip, my ex used to say the heat got him hornier😂 we give in for a quiet life, to get some sleep don’t we. They normalise their behaviour, and we buy into it fir a time. Especially in the early stages of being together. But life gets in the road. I remember watching a programme many years ago. Wife had to dress up for her husband coming in from work (even though they had a young child, who wasn’t so young) anyway she had to dress up for him, go to the bedroom with him, the door was always left ajar, before anything else. His reasoning was he’d missed her so much, dreamt of what he was going to do to her when he came home. Now that’s okay in a relationship where there’s no other responsibilities and it’s a loving relationship. I remember watching that and feeling sick because it was identical to my life in so many ways. The wife tried to say but what about our child, he’ll hear. She could never not be in the mood, and she always had to have her bedroom underwear on. Funny how you forget things and then they come back…
IWMB 💞💞

[Littlelemon1234]

I really, really feel for you. I honestly could’ve written your statement myself. It’s an awful situation to be in.

Like the posters above me have said, these aren’t the actions of a loving partner. They destroy the love you feel for your partner too. I used to think his desire for me was love but now I realise it truly wasn’t. Even when you try and explain how you feel they don’t want to understand or they literally can’t.

Im in the process of leaving but lockdown has thrown a spanner in the works.

Keep strong, you deserve so, so much better. You have the right to say no and to not feel guilty for it xx

[maddog]

You are SO not alone, Ripon123. The sexual behaviour you describe is typical of an abuser. Please give Rape Crisis a call. What you describe is nothing to do with love or consent. Coercion isn’t consent. It’s a horrible hurdle to get across to realise and understand that what an abuser wants really is nothing to do with you. As a person, he is using you in the same way he’d use a car or a saucepan. Trying to explain to an abuser how you feel is never going to go well, because we who suffer are being treated in the same way as that car or pan, and in their eyes they can do nothing wrong.

This isn’t your fault. It can’t be your fault. This is his behaviour and he will do the same to anyone else. You are just the thing he has for the moment.

Women’s Aid will be able to support and guide you as well.

Fear, obligation and guilt are not part of a loving relationship. I found it really hard to open up about my ex’s sexual behaviour. I normalised it. I believed what he said over what he did. Actions speak louder than words and in the Abuser’s world, actions and words don’t match.

This is not your fault and it is a massive credit to you that you’re opening your eyes. It’s a really hard thing to do. Well done.

[Ripon123]

Thank you for your replies 💖 you brave women who have left are such an inspiration you must be so strong! I love him so much. Sometimes I want to leave but I’m too frightened, other times I don’t want to be away from him. I just want him to be nice always. I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that maybe that’s not a possibility and this won’t stop

[maddog]

There are loads of videos on youtube about trauma bonding and understanding abuse. It’s horrible to come to terms with the idea that we fell in love with an image. It’s a beautiful facade but behind it is rubble. Abusers feed on us like parasites. Keep a diary of everything that happens. We all minimise the abuse to make it more bearable and deny to ourselves the reality.

It’s really good that you’ve posted here. Abusers have so much in common and follow the same patterns. You may find the Cycle of Abuse helpful. It’s a disgusting pill to swallow.

So… keep a record of everything that happens. Don’t tell your partner about anything that matters to you. Seek real life support from Women’s Aid and other agencies.

Abuse tends to get worse. It will never go away. Abusers are like addicts, only ever needing the next fix. Often it’s like dealing with a toddler in an adult body. You are so not alone!

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