sudden end to relationship and realisation it has been abusive

[ShampooShark]

Hi there, it has taken a long time to accept (and still filled with doubt!) that I was in an abusive relationship. My partner was suddenly arrested (not for DV) and will not be returning home, we have minimum contact for our child but overtime I’ve come to realise how many of his behaviours were abusive. Because his arrest was so sudden and I am now out of the relationship (to an extent) i’m feeling a huge range of emotions – I feel lost, i feel guilty, i feel stupid, i feel a fraud, i feel i’m over-reacting/over thinking.
I tried some kindness meditation but felt so guilty taking time for myself (I almost had a panic attack)- which is kind of what led me here!

Its hard to pin point the abuse, it was subtle, it was controlling and maniplulative yet to everyone outside it looked like I was the strong person the decisive one, the one who kept life going, that he was just super chilled and just a typical man.

I guess alot of what I’ve been reading sounds so much like i’ve experienced and hit home that it was abuse and not me overreacting etc .ultimately my goal is to make sure my son never grows up thinking that behavior is ok to others!

I guess I am now at a loss as a sudden survivor who was completely oblivious- i’m scared to access help for looking daft and ofcourse for opening that pandoras box! where do you even start to unravel this when you just want to pack it away and move on.

thanks everyone for sharing on here- it helps to read others experiences x

 

[DesperateHousewife101]

Wow, this sounds really stressful for you, and a time when you definitely need to take some time to yourself. Please do this, I can’t say how important it is to take the time you need for yourself and those around you including of course your child.

When I came here looking for clarity I was pointed to Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?” – you can find a free pdf online. Please don’t feel daft. I had so many aha moments reading it and it provided so much more clarity than other information online that focussed on the more explicit abuse (violence, yelling, insults) rather than the small stuff that chips away at you over time.

Sending lots of love and support to you.

[Lisa]

Hi ShampooShark,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us about what you are going through. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Author]

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