8th January 2022 at 7:37 am #136695Bluetac1Participant
I am looking for some advice to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.
Me and my partner have been together for just over (detail removed by moderator), there have always been controlling elements in our relationship such as him controlling what I wore, who I spoke to and constantly going through my phone. These I have been able to deal with.
Last year he moved into my parents with me whilst (detail removed by moderator) it went from 0-100. It was mainly emotional & verbal abuse, some physical in the sense of ripping duvet covers off and keeping lights on so I couldn’t go to sleep etc.
I started seeing a therapist who gave me a good book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and I couldn’t believe how accurate it was, it was like it was written about my partner.
Anyway, I found the courage to pull out of the house and get him to move (detail removed by moderator). This wasn’t easy but I did it and felt so proud I was taking back control. How stupid was I!
Since my partner moved back (detail removed by moderator) he has completely changed. Gone on antidepressants and is seeing a therapist, claims his Doctor has said he’s having a breakdown due to stress of everything. He’s crying all day, saying he’s sorry and he knows he’s treated me wrong but then in the next breath when he is angry saying he’s done nothing wrong and I’m the abuser. He is acting like a toddler, you can’t say anything negative or he just collapses into a heap and wails about how no one cares, everyone wants him dead etc.
Reluctantly I had to tell his parents about his behaviour and they say he hasn’t acted like this before so it’s all his mental health & once the tablets work he will calm down etc. That doesn’t matter to me, I am not in love with him anymore after what he has put my through, I can’t even look at him some days without feeling sick and nearly having a panic attack.
I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore but he he has saying suicidal thoughts, saying he can’t live without me and if he looses me he won’t be here anymore. Whilst we are still together he disappears for hours not telling anyone where he is or where he’s been – I’m left terrified he has hurt himself somewhere, he tried to (detail removed by moderator) the other day so he is not rationally thinking.
Part of me feels I am still being manipulated but the other half really believes him. I truly think he does love me but he doesn’t know how to treat me right. He has a lot of unresolved issues from childhood and a lot of anger, he is mimicking patterns from his childhood growing up about how his parents treated each other.
I am petrified, I don’t want him to hurt himself and I am only staying at this point because of this. I am also concerned for my safety now – his (detail removed by moderator) told me this week that he became obsessive and borderline stalked his previous girlfriend and the police nearly had to be involved. I wish I had known this before I started in the relationship. This was the key moment I knew there was no going back and I have to leave.
I am absolutely petrified what he is going to do to himself but also potentially to someone else, including me. He is not thinking rationally and I could never live with the guilt if he did hurt himself.
Has anyone been in a similar situation of the abuser having a breakdown etc and threatening to harm himself before you have even left?
8th January 2022 at 8:07 am #136696Grey RockParticipant
Hi. Sorry you’re going through this. Suicide threats were my ex’s trump card for a while. In the end I started to just contact the police whenever I received a suicide threat. They would go round and check on him. They’d generally find him going about his day in a normal way. One time he was (detail removed by moderator). So he’d told me he’d taken tablets and alcohol and then (detail removed by moderator). He was always furious when I contacted the police but eventually the suicide threats did stop. I also got better at blocking him effectively (and leaving him blocked).
His mum actually contacted me to say that he’d always been like this in relationships and to stay away and be really careful not to disclose where I had gone. The Clair’s Law disclosure I got confirmed everything she said.
A book that really helped me was Out of the Fog.
I’d also recommend signing up to do the Freedom Program which uses that Living With a Dominator book as a basis for group discussion. This was very empowering. I’d also recommend watching the Dr Ramani and Melanie Tonia Evans YouTube videos to get your head around the abuse cycle and common tactics used by abusive men and strategies for dealing with these challenges.
Keep reading and posting here too. This stuff is so difficult, but we’re not alone.
My ex used the phrase ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ about a number of his ex’s. In the end I realized that this is exactly what I’d been. An emotional and psychological hostage. The suicide threats were all part of this. Noone has a right to our lives. You don’t owe him your life, even if he threatens to take his.
8th January 2022 at 9:39 am #136700beachhutParticipant
I hope you are having a good day so far.
I lived with my partner telling me I was his world, he could not live without me and should I dare to leave him, he could not cope and would kill himself, lies, lies, lies. These men are so good at this, the rubbish they make up is worthy of a book, I was told he went to the doctors who said it was all my fault that he was depressed and the GP told him I was mad, he said he had been so see a counsellor, who was going to phone me as I obviously had issues, and he could give a toddler a run for its money in the tantrum stakes. We had threats of suicide, where he would (detail removed by moderator) which obviously worried the life out of me, only to discover he was (detail removed by moderator)
Do be careful, these men are master manipulators they pull on our heart string and keep us under their control, my ex partner got arrested for assault on me after he feigned a suicide attempt and I called (detail removed by moderator) for help, he went mad, and I was told that this was a pattern of behaviour he had used before. If a person is so desperate that they wish to take their own life, they do not broadcast the fact, make a song and dance out of it, they are usually so ill they go about it quietly and nothing but professional help will stop them. If he needs help there are people out there, and if he is living with his parents he is not alone and they can keep an eye on him. He is not your responsibility, the only person you are responsible for is you right now.
8th January 2022 at 10:25 am #136703HereforhelpParticipant
You have done so much to move on already please do not let you partner keep you there in any way by using his mental health as a weapon.
You said …
*I am absolutely petrified what he is going to do to himself but also potentially to someone else, including me. He is not thinking rationally and I could never live with the guilt if he did hurt himself.*
He is relying on you being too terrified to do anything and controls you with his threats of suicide.
My husband said the same when we separated. I was sick with anxiety and worry for him and it is an awful feeling as I wasn’t aware that abusive men do this and is part of the abuse, I honestly believed him. The best advice I had was from this forum, and my DA support worker, ring the police and let them know your partner is suicidal and explain why you are letting them know, because you are worried for his well being.
When I did this, phoned the police, i told my husband (after he threatened suicide again and just before zero contact) and suddenly he felt better, there was nothing wrong with him, he then started down the route of telling our children that I am not well, I am acting strange and he is worried about ME). After that I have gone zero contact. Zero contact is the only way with these men as they get to us, get in our heads, until we are strong enough. You sound strong, caring and thoughtful, look after yourself. Keep posting ❤
8th January 2022 at 3:35 pm #136718PinkvelvetParticipant
Wow, are you me and did you date my ex boyfriend?? We are in the same boat with this one. He also had depression and went onto antidepressants, had therapy etc., and I kept using like landmarks in time to convince myself he would be okay: once he’d sold his house, once he’d been to therapy, once we’ve had a holiday, etc etc. His life circumstances changed, but his behaviour didn’t.
I empathise with you so so much on the suicide threats. My ex would tell me I should blame myself if he ever killed himself and that it would be my fault. Sometimes he’d switch his phone off so I didn’t know if he was alive or dead, all times of the day and night. It was emotionally draining and absolutely terrifying. He once even (detail removed by moderator). You convince yourself if you don’t put up with it, if you suggest something is wrong with his behaviour or the way he talks to you, he’ll kill himself. That’s what was drilled into me, either implied or by directly telling me so… but it was also masked as depression. I believe he is very mentally unwell, and that’s something I’ve also really struggled with, because you don’t want to feel like you’re abandoning them in their time of need but also lovely, you cannot stay on a sinking ship and expect to be able to save him and yourself. You will go down with it too. That’s what I learned.
Completely relate on the toddler front too… there’s no room for adult discussion and working things out logically. It’s either what he says goes, or you’re the issue. You’re making him feel bad. You’re the problem, why can’t you just cheer him up? Why don’t you love him enough. I’ve had it all and I can tell you it’s praying on our kindness when we completely reject ourselves to help someone else, when they won’t do the same for us or even give us the time to let us tell our side of the story and how we’re feeling.
I got out of that relationship not all that long ago and even though he seems to be doing better generally… when I won’t agree to go out with him to talk, he once again becomes verbally abusive… and this is post-relationship!
The guilt kept me in my relationship too for far too long. Worrying about it ruining both our lives if he took his own. Was it better just staying and putting up with it? No. It wasn’t. I absolutely couldn’t do it anymore, I looked deranged by the end. And I’m so glad I finally left because god knows where I’d be now or what mental state I’d be in, still worrying to the point of insanity I’m sure.
I’ve got you in my thoughts lovely. You’re doing amazingly well and you will be okay. Keep telling yourself that. This isn’t living, it’s existing 💕
8th January 2022 at 6:36 pm #136721privateladyParticipant
Sounds like a familiar story.
I keep getting similar stuff. I’m done,I’m just about to give up on the world but it’s usually followed by a tirade of abuse of why I am the reason why. I don’t rise to him to do anything.
You know what unless it’s to do with our child or the divorce I don’t answer. I spent long enough bowing down to the world being centered around him and now, and I do speak from reality and a little anger carrying our child who has been harmed by his behaviour in discreet ways, but has burdens she shouldn’t have through the next stages of her life. From my experience he uses this as a way to divert from conversations which need to be discussed to a way to put him at the centre and he hates I don’t play the game and get concerned anymore. Contact needs to be needs based only, no other discussions or small talk. It’s hard to do and bounderies will be pushed but you can do it.
Dont get wrapped up in emotional turnmoil or his drama. They use threats to cause you harm, and because of the trauma bond its hard not to react with emotion or concern.
8th January 2022 at 7:47 pm #136726Wants To HelpParticipant
I actually (detail removed by moderator) who had this constantly, and in the end she told him to do it because once he was dead she’d be relieved and she could get on with her life. The fact that he knew his death would free her up and not bother her stopped him from ever threatening to kill himself again and he just turned to other tactics!
13th January 2022 at 4:47 pm #137026AriadneParticipant
I am so sorry you are going through this. Suicidal threats are really one of the lowest forms of manipulation and control. A therapist told me it is almost a form of violence, even though they are threatening to hurt themselves instead of you.
I love what Wants To Help has pointed out, that acting like you don’t care can actually be a good deterrent. Yet, it is so difficult to do!
I had a similar experience, where after breaking up my ex said he couldn’t do “this” (as in life) without me, that he thought of picking up a fight just to get himself hurt, and all so I would talk to him again, and as if he hadn’t said the hurtful things he had. Then he pulled the same thing in person, manipulating me through his anxiety and panic attacks to get into my house and then for hours threatening suicide unless I got back to him. The weirdest thing is that I *knew* that he wasn’t going to do it. I knew he was kind of acting a part. But I felt like I couldn’t risk it and no matter how much I asked him to leave, he wouldn’t. So I “fawned”, and I played the other part in this weird play, telling him everything he wanted to hear and trying to think of ways to control the situation. And in the midst of all of that, I still felt so bad for him, and didn’t want him to suffer like that. He also had depression and anxiety, and I also used that to excuse a lot of his behaviour.
It was only when *I* started suffering from anxiety, and met more people with depression that I realised that people don’t have to act that way.
At least your ex has gotten into therapy and is getting some support and medication – not all of them (including mine) do that. Let him take responsibility for his own behaviour. In the end, whatever he chooses, it is HIS choice, and none of it will be your fault. That is just what he wants you to think.
All the best xx
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