- This topic has 16 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by Twisted Sister.
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13th July 2019 at 9:41 am #83310maddogParticipant
I am being told I am doing all the right things. My ex is using the family courts to continue his reign of abuse. He lied to the authorities and the authorities are behaving like his flying monkeys. I am putting in a complaint to the ombudsman primarily because I don’t want what happened to me to happen to anyone else. I am really struggling to find an advocate who can help me with this application. My mood is sunk and I know that were it not for all the drugs I take I would be reduced to a gibbering severely depressed wreck. I have been feeling the symptoms; the racing thoughts, my speech slowing down, eating becoming a problem, wondering whether I should take all my drugs at once… These thoughts are fleeting and I recognise them.
I don’t know where to turn any more. My gp asked why the reasons for having to go to court and I told them that it was because my ex wished me harm. There is no other reason.
I don’t trust that my ex’s behaviour will be exposed in the courts despite a huge amount of evidence.
All the agencies I have been involved with have been fantastic. I really need a legal advocate. I don’t know where to turn any more.
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13th July 2019 at 2:19 pm #83326LisaMain Moderator
Hi Maddog,
Well done on all the progress you have been making. What about seeing if your local Women’s Aid group can help you with regards to an advocate. For legal help Rights of Women (wwww.rightsofwomen.org.uk) have some really useful information you can print off their website and they also have a really good helpline too.
Kind regards,
Lisa
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13th July 2019 at 3:20 pm #83329fizzylemParticipant
Hey MD, could have written your post – same. Feels like there is emotional support for us and a bit of legal advice but the rest is down to yours truly. They are so pro dads atm aren’t they, it feels for me they get away with lying and no one is able to see that the court process is just another way to abuse – because it is his right. So fed up with it all as well tbh. My support worker suggested a legal advocate, she had this info and works for the local women’s charity.
At the en of the day, I don’t want any of this, you too I imagine. It’s not living is it and so b****y tiring, feel I cant do it for much longer at all x
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13th July 2019 at 3:39 pm #83330KIP.Participant
Have either of you tried to opt out (detail removed by moderator) because of your mental health? (detail removed by moderator). How about getting your GP to write you cannot engage with the process at the moment as you’re suicidal and your mental health can’t take it. You can also add that it’s his abuse that has destroyed your mental health. It might be worth exploring.
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13th July 2019 at 4:04 pm #83333fizzylemParticipant
I could try but dont hold out much hope KIP, I do feel like I dont have the strength to pull together my case atm. I had a fab, understanding GP at my old surgery, but when I had to move into temp accomodation I had to re register, I moved from a village where I knew all the GPs to a suburb where you can never see the same GP twice, and I am yet to find a GP that doesnt look straight over me, there’s no human to human connection, nor time for that matter.
(detail removed by moderator)?
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13th July 2019 at 4:06 pm #83334fizzylemParticipant
I fantasise about not engaing with it by just not going – let them get on with it – live with that x
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13th July 2019 at 7:47 pm #83350ApricotpoppyParticipant
Hi MD and Fizz,
Sorry to hear you are going through this. It is quite shocking to hear.
I don’t have experience in the area you are talking about but I just wanted to show some support.
Keep strong you have been thru so much.
All the best
Apricotpoppy ❤️ -
14th July 2019 at 12:27 am #83362Twisted SisterParticipant
Also just dropping in to send you both love and positivity for your respective battles.
Ignore him, speak your truth, to the judge.
Is all you can do
…but, they do have a duty to safeguard you, and that does need pointing out sometimes!
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14th July 2019 at 2:50 pm #83396maddogParticipant
Thank you all for your lovely replies. I really think I am losing the plot. It’s really frightening.
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14th July 2019 at 3:57 pm #83398EbonyRavenParticipant
Hi Maddog, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having these feelings. Please, if the thoughts become more than fleeting, call the Samaritans.
x*x
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14th July 2019 at 5:03 pm #83402Twisted SisterParticipant
Dear Maddog
I am sad to hear what a horrible effect this is having on you love.
Please make sure you keep posting and getting all the RL support you can to get you through this safely.
I hate to hear of women.having to do this alone or being made to feel this way and becoming harmed from it. Do write to the court that you need to also be protected in this.
Keep safe lovely.
Warmest wishes
TS
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14th July 2019 at 8:26 pm #83411maddogParticipant
I walloped my boyfriend. I have never hit anyone in my life before. I’ve gone through it with the Samaritans. I whacked the wrong person. He has been very kind and understanding. I feel terrible. I really don’t know what happened. I must have thought he was my ex.
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15th July 2019 at 9:42 am #83433Twisted SisterParticipant
Dear Maddog
What’s happened?! Is he ok? Is he hurt or harmed in any way by this, what does he want to do about it?
With everything you are going through right now it must be so triggering, and you’ve already told us how badly its been affecting you.
You’ve done the right thing in going through it with someone.
How is your boyfriend? Can you recall what led up to your reaction, so you can see what might have triggered this.
I have key words for my children to say, Mum, being the most powerful to make me know my children need me, and to snap me into my love for them.
It’s worth having a think about what the trigger was and a powerful sound or word that will keep you away from being triggered.
If your boyfriend is understanding? it’s something you can work together on.
Do you live together? As finding a way of seeing each other that feels very safe for you might put needed boundaries in place, and keep you both safe from any possibility of this happening again.
I am assuming that you weren’t able to hurt him?
Do keep posting, this is a very distressing time for you so even more important to put clear strong boundary in place that ensure this can’t happen again and that you have support enough.
Warmest wishes
TS
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15th July 2019 at 4:10 pm #83455maddogParticipant
He didn’t do anything wrong. I must have been half asleep and thought he was my ex. I’ve spoken to some people who can hopefully help me with my application to the ombudsman. I had a horrific time with one of the authorities and she lied about me in every way that my ex did. She gaslighted me and annihilated me totally.
A friend has suggested I take pills to stop feeling angry. I am very angry for very good reasons. The bank got a mouthful from me as well for failing to contact me about a cheque.
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16th July 2019 at 12:15 am #83472Twisted SisterParticipant
Well it doesnt sound like you could control what you were doing there.
So, I guess best policy would be for him to leave you plenty of space so there can be no repeat.
Will keep my fingers tightly crossed for you getting that help you need.
Warmest wishes
TS
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16th July 2019 at 1:15 am #83473maddogParticipant
He’s been very kind and understanding. The advocacy people say they have fast forwarded my referral. I told them what I’d done. I have behaved as an abuser. I have worked so hard to find help for my children and for myself. I cannot express the shame I feel. I also know emphatically that I have never hit my ex and that he lied to the police.
I am being told all the time that I am doing all the right things. I have been running on empty. I lashed out against the wrong person and I am so sorry. I have underestimated the consequences of domestic abuse and how it has affected me.
My gp has referred me back to the psych nurse.
When my ex punched me it was my fault. When my child attacked me he blamed me.
I’m the one who whacked my boyfriend and I have to take responsibility for my behaviour.
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16th July 2019 at 8:17 am #83484Twisted SisterParticipant
Maddog…
Lashing out when asleep, does not make you an abuser.
Neither would, for instance, deliberately striking out in self-defence.
You know the patterns of abuse, and whilst yes, you hit him, and need to be sure this can be avoided by way of putting things into place to prevent it happening again, you need to out down your stick that you seem to be beating yourself with.
Its possible to hit people unintentionally for lots of reasons. This was unintentional, as you know. You also know his was not unintended, in any way. Its very different.
I cannot see abuse in this I’m afraid.
Your shame and revulsion, and ownership at this tell me its an accident. I think its more about how youve interpreted this as a deliberate act and how low your own confidence and self-belief is right now.
Lets hope your advocacy comes soon!
Warmest wishes
TS
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