Superman (detail removed by moderator), and is invincible

[Anonymous]

Hi…

I’m new here, but I need somewhere to speak about what is going on.

My ex and I were together for (detail removed by moderator) after he had lead me on for years, and I had gotten pregnant from a man that was not interested in having kids. My ex, call him superman…. would tell professionals and his family he was involved with me and the kids (his daughter conceived (detail  removed by moderator) after we first went out) He made all sorts of promises, we looked at houses ect, he said he would actually be a part of the kids life until my youngest was born. He then blackmailed me on a daily basis, for sex, and lied through his teeth that I was the only one. He expected me to be the ‘man’ sexually, and called me c**p if I couldn’t. He was told to help by TAC, who he told he was coming over a few days a week to help, but he was never there. Unknown to me he had a girlfriend, my eldest told me she slept at his, but because she had my name. (detail removed by moderator). Social Services gave him the kids, and the control over what was to happen. He told me he was going to give the kids back, but basically used me as a gullible babysitter. His girlfriend told people that she was the girls mum, and was okayed to say things in my name, to make it look like I had said it.. that is when superman wasn’t telling professionals how I felt and thought, not telling people I had PR for my daughter, but he did.

When I stood up for myself or my kids I was punished, with less time, or told I was unfit. He works all day most days, and use his girlfriends family as babysitters, and gets babysitters. I got so angry with social services for ignoring what he was doing, to them he was superman. I told them anything, I was a liar and mentally ill. I went on holiday with my boyfriend and superman decided he would set up a 50/50 contact arrangement, except on holidays where I was allowed my daughters. Then later (detail removed by moderator) went back to the blackmail, using the kids as leverage (I had to allow him into my house, to hear me masturbate as though I was with another man, if I wanted to know if I was to be taken to court or getting the kids back ever) Social thought this okay, because it was just against me.

I took my kids back, because he used them. it showed he had no care (detail removed by moderator), social – who said although he was cohersive and sexually controlling I was a worse parent because I neglected my own kids (nothing to do with exhaustion of course, or that it was physically dirtiness and not that I was not feeding/clothing them). Now the girls live at his house one week and mine the next, he was also given PR for my eldest. It also says I am not allowed to make allegations, due to trying to contact his girlfriends family about him, I doubt they even know my eldest isn’t his..or that might seem suspect.

I have had to email him about the girls (doc appointments/my youngest’s skin due to stress.) and he replied saying that he wants to talk to me, not about the kids. I still have to let him pick up the girls from my house, and he doesn’t tell me anything about my kids (I found out my eldest goes to a afterschool nursery because she told me.) I feel I have to go to TAC meetings and work with him, for the children, due to situation (legal told me cant take it back without giving it a chance to work) but he makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel he is doing the superman, fill a need, so that in x amount of years he can say he had to step in because I was neglectful so they have to do what he wants (especially my eldest)

(detail removed by moderator) He writes apologies that okays feeling that I cannot leave him for another man, but should go off and have sex with other men so I could come home and let him into all the details and lick out what they left behind.

I nearly had a heart attack yesterday when the first professional ever seemed to get that “the cover is not the book” and that the set up is demented, even if he wasn’t a controlling pervert.

[KIP.]

I think it’s you that is superwoman. He’s not superman, he’s just a toxic smell that you have had to learn to live with. My first thought is women’s aid? Do you have support from them? They have loads of experience of court, housing, dealing with access and perpetrators. Keep absolutely everything. Every text he sends, every phone conversation. The courts need evidence. If you can set up a camera for pick up and drop offs and use a third party for handover so that his access to you is limited. Look at the grey rock method where you basically ignore him. Do everything by email so you have a written record. The main thing is you need support and lots of it. Play the long game. Abusers have stamina but so do we x

[fizzylem]

This sounds dreadful TF, you have clearly been suffering years of abuse. If you have an arrangements order and thus times he sees the children, I would be inclined to get a third party involved for hand overs now and cut him off completely. Build a case re why this needs to be, gather the evidence. If no one can see you need protection, although thankfully it seems this new social worker is starting to, then you need to protect yourself and put an end to it, and go no contact. Focus on you and the time you have with your children, put him aside. Keep posting x

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there TF and welcome to the forum,

What an ordeal. I am so sorry you have to go through that. I agree with KIP and FL, go no contact with him and use a third party so handovers can run more smoothly and you won’t be subjected to him anymore.

I truly hope this new social worker will continue to open their eyes to what has in fact been going on, and keep retaining all evidence you can of his despicable behaviour towards you.

Sending you all the virtual hugs I possibly can

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your replies, and will take on board what you have said.

I am not going to send him any more messages or ‘help him’ by being the parent. I don’t know if its the same for you, but I find it so hard to “switch off” being mum so end up … more or less telling him how to be a parent in his care. Pleading to him to be honest with professionals, for the sake of the kids… pointless I suppose, and sending the kids on days off with their uniform so I know they actually have them.

It makes me laugh. He has put on paperwork that it is important for kids to learn stranger danger – to take the view from himself, no doubt. I am not sure how you are supposed to teach your kids dangers of… people related to you that look like superman to the rest of the world but mummy knows better… “the cover is not the book” from mary poppins makes me laugh, almost hysterically these days

I have been to the freedom program… but apart from that I don’t have womans aid. I have tried calling a woman but as soon as she speaks I am like…AAAAHHH human being…. how do I do this?

[AlwaysSorry]

You do it by taking a deep breath and then you tell your story as best as you can 🙂 It may take several phone calls before you gather up the courage to explain what you’re going through, but that’s alright. You can tell as much or as little as you want. 🙂

[Author]

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