Support for children post abuse?

[iliketea]

Hi, now I have left I am seeing the affects of the abuse on my children much more. Partly because we are not in our normal surroundings, and I am sure because he is not around. A lot of it is positive. Some not. And a lot I’m realising was happening when we were still in it, but it became so normal that I didn’t fully understand the impact his abuse was actually having. Does that make sense? Now he’s not here, we sit happily chatting at the dinner table, dancing around to music, and just laughing a lot, all the time. No eggshells, no deafening silence. No banging doors and angry tantrums (from them, from him…).

How did you support your children? Did they have any structured support? And if so, where from?
Anything online I can access? They were signed up to the Thrive programme at school but lockdown got in the way.
Any good books to read?
Any basic advice on single parenting in this situation.
Any child appropriate resources?
Anything else?
Thank you.
xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

Following x

[Eggshells]

Hi Iliketea, I’m so pleased that you are out and things are settling now. It sounds like a much happier atmosphere.

I think that support for the children is a bit of a postcode lottery. I had to find a private counsellor for mine.

Your best bet might be to contact your local DV charity as they might know about support in your area. Or you could try your GP. Again, the help that your child can get on NHS is a bit of a lottery.

It can be a bit of a shock when you first realise quite how much of an impact it has had on your children. It can be impossible to see it through the fog of abuse but once you’re out and start to see clearly, I can be hard to witness the impact. I hope you are ok? xx

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat – finally out of it but now realising the impact on my child. Can only see it as the fog lifting.

Try:
Nspcc
Barnardos
Safe Space/chance uk
Local authority child mental health

Good luck to you all x

[Rubymurray]

Iliketea- Just wanted to say, great news for getting out lovely.

[Soulsearcher18]

Hey Iliketea
You are out, great to hear. Well done.
Good to hear about the chatting, dancing and laughter.

Support does vary greatly depending on area but I wouldn’t rely on just speaking to your GP and local domestic abuse service for support- it is well worth doing your own research and asking around always. You are really good at that I know, so if there is anything- you will find it.

Though definitely let these services be your first port of call, I think that local DA services should have funding for counselling support but how and when they offer this could be dependent on situation due to budgets possibly? As in I am not sure what level of effects a child would have to display in order to be given said support. In my experience the ‘support’ is reserved for those at the extreme end and I mean extreme. Authorities and CAMHS usually won’t get involved unless it is extreme due to the demands on their service. However, local authorities should have different levels of support available to families. So, you may not be allocated a social worker and be able to access funding for counselling through them but there should be something like a ‘parenting support’ team available, early intervention.

Please don’t be put off by this, as you mentioned we do not fully understand all that went on until we get out because it is impossible to do so whilst we are still in it and so going back to scratch with parenting and accessing support can be a really positive thing and although this is not direct support for your children, it can have a really positive impact on them. It can also be really helpful in supporting you to process and cope with this journey and can also provide useful evidence for the future if you need it. Do be aware though that early intervention parenting support is generally through local authority statutory services, so there is always that link to social services – just always keep that in mind.

What I mean by that is, know your network and the cultures that they operate within and the limitations they have as a result. For example, local authority parenting support can offer great information advice and general support- and evidence to court that you attend and try out said advice, however they operate within a patriarchal system and so whilst the worker may be empathetic and supportive to survivors, they are ultimately limited by the system they operate in. women’s Aid also are bound by patriarchal systems but they are fundamentally a feminist organisation- now I know that workers do vary but from my experience, you will find true feminists in these organisations with courage if you know what I mean. On this journey, you will need the trust and support from them but they are in such demand and so it does help to cast the network wider but to just know who can do what to assist. I feel like I’m teaching you to suck eggs saying this as I know you are pretty savvy but there can be a lot to take on board and I just want to remind you and give you heads up as you seek out and access support.

I know in my area because CAMHS has been so overwhelmed they have also started some generic support for lower level needs and so it is worthwhile checking out what statutory mental health support is available in your area. In my area, this lower level support is aimed at older children and for younger children the support would be via the parents through the local authority parenting support.

I’ve been out a while and I just googled family counselling the other day and counselling for children and happened upon a local service that offers specialised counselling but has a charity side that it can access to provide subsidised services. I think it is well worth doing a google search in your area and checking out websites and if it does look expensive, just call them to see if they offer subsidy. There’s lots of different types of therapy, such as horse and art therapy too potentially.

There’s also the possibility of support through school- pastoral support. It is worth contacting the headteacher about this- though don’t expect them to know and do check in with LEA too to find out what is available for school age children in your area. They have budgets too for support I think. Also, if you feel this may cause behavioural /additional needs in school, you could ask to speak to SENCO.

It seems to me that the statutory provisions all have potential access to budgets to provide support but all seem to protect this and so it seems to need to be extreme, or causing problems to them in some way for the magic key to be used to unlock the door to the pot. I appreciate that sounds cynical but just my opinion given my experience. The best thing would be if there is a charity in your area offering support.

I’ve also found looking at social media pages on gentle parenting and responsive parenting useful for hints and tips. It is the perfect antidote to controlling parenting! I also recommended a book on child attachment in the book list – sorry can’t remember title , I posted it quite early on in the thread. I found this book interesting and related to it, it was also easy to read and follow.

Ultimately my experience has been that what they need is the quality time with yourself. It can be a challenge when there is more than one and when you are also likely trying to manage lots of things in a new situation etc. It’s just setting aside that time to check in and focus on them and reassure them. Not saying your not already doing that of course, just reflecting on my journey a bit.

Anyway, good to hear that you did it and wishing you all the best. Look forward to hearing how you get on.
Take care
Soulsearcher

[iliketea]

Hi @Soulsearcher18 sorry I didnt respond to this, it was a whirlwind after leaving and being unstuck and staying in different places. Thanks a lot for the advice, really really helpful as always. Hope you’re doing ok? xx

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I just want to say your post gives me hope for the future. To have laughter and dancing and joy around the table seems a great goal.

Thanks for posting,
Sande

[Author]

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