support needed

[dustypink]

after years of emotional, financial and verbal abuse I have reported him to police.
The reason was he pushed me and (Detail removed by Moderator).
before this accident he was ignoring me for several days.
we were planning to go on holidays (Detail removed by Moderator), my kids were dreaming about it for months. But as I didn’t behave well enough towards him, he has changed his mind and told he will not go. First he was ok I will go with kids, but then he changed his mind and told he will not give any money to me.
So we were arguing and he pushed me and (Detail removed by Moderator) destroyed it.
I have called 101 first but since he didn’t go away they decided they will send somebody to the property. They came and I have reported him.
He was very calm and talked reasonably to the officer, told them he will give me the money and after we come back we will start separating.
But after they went away, he changed his mind and told I will get nothing.
He also told he will sell the car and will devide the house through the court.
The reason I am writing this is that I need some support because I am not 100% sure now I was right and I am right.
Yesterday I was sure I want to split, but I am not sure now if I will be able to be strong enough. Living 3-4 months with him until the house is sold, under this pressure and in stress. I am scared that I will give up again as it was once some time ago.
I just need someone to tell me I am worth more than such a life, that I am strong and I will become free some day.

[KIP.]

You are absolutely worth more than such a life. As are your children. There is much help out there for victims of abuse. You can get free legal advice by ringing Rights for Women and most family solicitors offer free initial half hour appointment. The helpline number on here can give you more support as can your local womens aid. We all deserve to live free from fear and abuse. Do not believe a word he says. Abusers are liars so find out what you are entitled to. You can ask the court for an occupation order which means he will be removed from the home until it’s sold. You need to keep all evidence. Any abusive texts or emails. Any photos of injuries etc. Can you move out with the children until the house is sold or go into a refuge? There are many options for you. You do not need to put up with his behaviour.

[dustypink]

KIP.,
Thank you for your response!
I know all the options (at least i think so) as during my last attempt to split I’ve been consulted by solicitors, women’s aid, local council, women support group etc.
I cannot move out, if I move out he won’t sell the house and I won’t be eligible for any housing support. As i don’t have paid job, i cannot afford to rent anything.
(Detail removed by Moderator) he came to me and told me he wants to go on holidays with me and kids – like nothing happened. His mind games make me crazy. I’ve just accepted we won’t go, got some support from my brother who told me he will give me the money if I need. I have just decided not to talk to my husband anymore and to ignore him. And he told this. So now if i don’t agree to go I will be feeling this is my fault and i am leaving my children without holidays.

I was trying to call women’s aid, but now he is around, and I cannot talk safely. I will call back tomorrow, but I am not sure there is anything i don’t know yet about my rights etc.

[dustypink]

and he told already my daughter that we will go on holidays even I told him we won’t

[dustypink]

So..
We went on holidays.
Probably this was a mistake.
First days he was fine, than changed. Told, he wants to spend holidays on his on.
Then he found one of my emails where I breifly discuss my plans (Detail removed by Moderator). He became very angry. I even had to tell him that I will call the local police. He calmed down but for … minutes was tellingvme how dirty I am and threatening to take my kids.
(Detail removed by Moderator) he bought a ticket for himself to go back but we have to stay for ariund (Detail removed by Moderator) here.
He didn’t want to leave the money, but than left some amount.
He is also threatening all the time. He tells he won’t move out and won’t give any money to me.
He also told that his company has suddenly bankrupted – a week ago everything was fine. He told that he is consulting to different people so I will get nothing when I go to the court.

My elderly mum is with me and I have at least someone to talk to, but she is constantly telling that I am reading too much about this and thinking too much, that I just have to ignore him.

So he is leaving (Detail removed by Moderator), but in (Detail removed by Moderator) I will need to go a long way back with 3 kids and my mum on my own with all the luggage etc

As he is returning first I had to ask my friends to get into the house to collect some of my docs.

I am very anxious especially when he is behind, but I feel strong when he is not.
What I need is zero contact.
I understand this will be a war and I need to be strong and think 2 steps forward him.

[KIP.]

It’s not upto him to sell the house or not. You can get a court to order the sale of the home. He doesn’t hold all the cards even though he makes you think he does, and you are a strong woman. The main thing is to be free from abuse. Then all the pieces of the jigsaw fall into place. You just need to take that leap of faith. My ex told me for years he would destroy me and I would get nothing if I left him blah blah blah. I’m sitting in the marital home now that he had to sign over. My finances are great because he’s not spending more money that we could afford. I’m in control now and it feels great. I won’t lie, it was very difficult in the beginning because of decades of abuse but when you’re free you can work out for yourself what a manipulator he is. Take baby steps and keep safe x

[dustypink]

Thank you, KIP!
I am on my way out.
Last time I attempted I was in doubts. Now I am sure, I can see all his patterns, understand what he is doing. This helps a lot.
But he knows my weak sides and hit them.
I am strong and smart and clever, I know this, but he destroyed my self esteem a lot. I am too emotional often, still blame myself. This is not a woman I was when I met him. I am different now and not so strong as I was.
I read a lot. This helps so much. I just admitted I can’t get out without support, so write a lot here and talk to the people who understand.
When I come back, I go to solicitor straight.
Civil Legal Aid advisor confirmed that I am eligible.
And what could be helpful to others, she told me that the rules have been changed recently. Last time I checked police caution was needed to be admitted as a victim of abuse. But now the letter from professional also counts.
So I got this letter from local support officer and am ready to fight.

[teatime]

You are entitled to half of what he owns and then some more for the children AND their ongoing care… he is trying to frighten you. I too have been on evil holidays with an arch beast.
Yes he will try to finagle as much out of you. You need to find a solicitor you can trust. The first one I tried wanted scads for a freezing order of our assets. I decided he was a rip off merchant and found a nice woman solicitor.( eventually)
Don’t do what I did which was go for mediation, it was the worst experience of my life. Do everything through a solicitor and ask for a fixed fee quote.
While you are away he may be tying up his finances and hiding paperwork and going through yours. Get home and photocopy everything. Even phone bills. Everything.
Please speak to one of the Womens’ Aid ladies asap.
I don’t want to scare you but one day when i was out of the house, he took everything and put it in a storage facility to which I had no access. I did not even know who the bills were with. I had to go the Police who were pretty useless. Good luck. xx

[dustypink]

teatime
thank you!
I have read that mediation is not a good choice with abusive partner, that all the contacts must be done via solicitors.
Also as I was responsible for everything, I have done also bookkeeping for his company, so I have everything ( in digital format)
I also was responsible for paying most of the bills and have registered online accounts in my name.
I have registered also online to get access to our mortgage account to see what happens there.

My friends took from the house most important documents. I have changed all the passwords.

I am not relaxed at all, thinking all the time what can I do more.
Solucitors I am going to see I’ve met already during my last attempt and discussed my matter to them. They were ready to help. Even told I could get court order for house not to be sold until my kids are 18, I don’t know how realistic it is.

He will hide what he can, but I am collecting as many trumps as I can to make us safer.

[dustypink]

Also interesting fact I have noticed, what he us telling bad about me actually he is telling about himself! I spent too much time on mobile phone and TV, do nothing at home, don’t give him love or attention, dominating and controlling etc. This all actually is about him, not about me!
I am like a rubbish bin for his own problems he dies not recognize he has! Instead of working on them he is just throwing them on me and feels better then. For some period of time until he feels bad and uncomfortable again.
So everything actually is about him, not about me!

[KIP.]

You are so right about their accusations being like a confession. Pay particular attention. My ex accused me of stealing money, cheating, trying to take his home off him, involving the children. None of which I did. All of which he did. You can learn a lot from his accusations.

[dustypink]

So, he went to the airport (Detail removed by Moderator).
He didn’t talk to me (Detail removed by Moderator), probably was waiting that I will beg him to stay.
In the evening he was drunk and started to provoke me. Asked where are divorce documents, I told that I don’t know where his documents are. He then treatened he will search through all the house. I told – ok.
So I am proud of myself that I’ve thought about my docs to get them in a safe place.
Now he is on his way to the airport and I start to recieve sms from him. He doesn’t want to go away, what can he do so I forgive him, asking for a chance to change etc.
Threatens didn’t work, and he is just coming from another side.
I hope he won’t come back. I just know he can. He did this before, if I don’t respond he just comes back.
I don’t respond to his messages.

[KIP.]

His behaviour is escalating and you are in danger. He senses he is losing control and can’t hook you back in. I would urge you to leave now while you have the opportunity x

[dustypink]

KIP
thank you!
I am on holidays, in different country.
I can’t leave now.
He bought ticket for himself to go home earlier as I behaved in a wrong way. He is on his way to the airport and texting me that he wants to stay with us for the rest of our holidays.
I was happy he goes home as was hoping to have some nice time with the kids without him.

[dustypink]

He has just sent me an email because I told him I don’t want to talk to him and don’t answer the phone calls.

He wrote how bad he was, that he wants to change, will go to therapy and will read the books. He wrote a lot about his awful behavior that shows he fully knows what he is doing. He also wrote, that ge doesn’t want to loose the family, that we are the most important thing in his life etc etc.

Do I need to respond him or just ignore? I would just tell that people can stay friends and respect each other even after divorce, and I would be glad to establish normal relationship with him in respect if our joined kids needs.
I don’t know if I need to send this.
I don’t want to fall into discussions with him.
He has dedtroyed our holidays, made me and our kids to cry for many times, and finally left us alone here so far from our home, and didn’t worry about it at all.
I don’t think he deserves anything from me.
I just hope this could stop him texting me, may be I am still too nave though (

[KIP.]

Block him any enjoy the rest of your holiday. Keep the emails as evidence as he’s admitting his behaviour. This will help with custody. I can tell you that you can never be friends with an abuser. His agenda is to destroy you any way he can so be very careful.

[dustypink]

KIP
thank you!
I haven’t responded and don’t want anymore )
Just decided to wait until my emotions will settle down a bit, and this was right decision.

[KIP.]

Yes, I got into the habit of waiting 24 hours to respond to anything. Even once solicitors were involved etc. Doing nothing is always an option x

[dustypink]

Feeling very sad now.
Probably he won’t come back.
I feel better and free but very sad at the same moment.
When he was here I wanted him to go away, but when he’s gone, I feel sad. I understand I don’t miss him, I miss the man who I thought he could be. Probably something else, can’t formulate at the moment.

[dustypink]

I am sooo scared.
After I did not responded, he sent me sms that he is back home but he has bought a ticket back to us! He is going to come back (Detail removed by Moderator) and spend rest of the holidays like nothing happend. All I responded was NO (Detail removed by Moderator).
(Detail removed by Moderator)he sent me some screenshots fron the emails ge has read and probably forwarded to his email. My personal emails to my friend with personal information. Showing me not in the best way probably, but really nothing I ciuldn’t explain. He added that he will discuss this wuth his solicitor before he flies here.
And these all less than .. hours after he was emailing and begging to forgive him.
I am scared.
There are no flights available, I can’t go home.
please advise, can I report him again?
I think he is doing worse to himself by stealing my personal emails and threatening me in such a way. I am saving all the screenshots.
And yes, I am still nave.
I am shaking, won’t be able to sleep another night.
Just think he is not a human, he is evil.

[dustypink]

We are back in UK and abuse continues.
He doesn’t move out.
He doesn’t talk to me but talk to my elderly mum instead. That he has no money to pay bills and mortgage, that he called bank and told he won’t pay anything, that solicitors told him I won’t be able to get housing benefit to pay for the house etc etc
He also told me I am not allowed to spend any money for my eldest daughter.
He doesn’t transfer any money to the joint account, so everything is becoming tighter and tighter.
I just try to keep calm and in cold mind to use his mistakes he makes now against him later.
The good news are we have granted descreet nici. I hoped it would help him to understand finally everything is over, but I was wrong.
Looks like his main purpose now is to distroy my life and to make me unhappy.
I am glad at the same time he is not nice anymore so I am proud of myself I am finally doing it.

[KIP.]

Wow, you are so strong. My ex did the financial abuse thing. Cancelled all direct debits told our son he couldn’t afford bills (while earning thousands). Told our son I was stealing money when he was the one stealing. This really is a dangerous time for you. A nisi is just a piece of paper to him. He has you near him where he can continue his abuse and control. Please be very careful. This is the point I had to ring police as he got physical. They’re unpredictable when they lose control and their only options violence x

[dustypink]

KIP
Thank you!
It looks like he is trying different options, and if one doesn’t work – he goes further. I don’t know how far he can get (
My mum is with us, I don’t stay alone with him and told my nearest neighbor about my situation.
I will see solicitor in a few days, really want to get injunction order for him. I want him to move out, I will be much stronger then.
Looking for a job at the same time.
“old me” is still defending myself and talking to him – but just in my mind. I don’t say a word to him.

[dustypink]

He has cancelled broadband and life insurance.
Probably his next step will be selling our family car.
i have called the bank and asked if they can provide me with a letter that he has blocked my card for our joint account a few weeks ago. This was for 2 days only, but I hope if I get this letter it could help me in the court.
Also what he is doing with direct debits sounds like financial abuse.
He has requested forms from the bank to remove me from the joint account, but my signature is also needed, so he can’t do it. He is just keeping it in overdraft with some 10s of pounds available.
I don’t know what he can do else and how to protect myself in advance.
I would like to apply for tax credits but I can’t until he lives here.
I need to spend some money for uniform & camp for my eldest, also I pay her transport costs and dinner money, mobile phone, and the only stable income I have is child benefit.

Also I plan to visit GP and get a letter confirming I have ongoing migraine attacks for the last several months.

I have looked through injunction order application, nothing complicated I couldn’t done. If there will be delay with legal aid, I’ll file it by myself.

[dustypink]

I am just broken.
3 people told me today there is no chance to get injunction order.
This is the SYSTEM.
Until he kills you or break your nose – you are not the victim.
The system is made to protect wealthy abusers.
I don’t see exit anymore.
Probably will need to stay with him for the rest of my life and be his sex slave.
I am broken by the system today.

[KIP.]

Never ever give up. I was told there was practically no chance of a conviction but I got one. Push the boundaries. If you have legal aid go in front of the judge and tell him you fear for your safety and that of your children and he has began financially abusing you. Don’t know who told you there was no chance but ask another solicitor. One with a domestic abuse background. Or I persuaded my ex that a trial separation would save our marriage so he moved out. I told him we could have date nights and it would be like a honeymoon all over again. Think outside the box x

[dustypink]

KIP
Thank you!
My solicitor told me this.
I was going to apply on my own, DV assessment team confirmed there is no chance. I’ve called them twice and talked to 2 different persons.
Since there are no serious incidents in the last 2 weeks (he is not talking to me, only cancelling direct debits and threatening to close our joint account) – I can do nothing!
I need to wait until physical incident
or
go to refugee

No other options for me.

Also only 1 family law solicitor in my area is working with Legal Aid. I’ve contacted all other listed at GOV website – they don’t work with legal aid.

I’ve filled the forms for injunction order and found all the info I need to apply on my own.
The problem is that if the court hearing will be unsuccessful, I won’t be able to apply for the second time anymore, even if violence escalates.

He has told me yesterday he is going to close our joint account this week. He can do it. He is in overdraft and I can see he has prepared the money to cover the overdraft, so I am 100% sure he will do it.

I have applied for Tax Credits today, hope they won’t refuse my application.
Otherwise I wouldn’t have any money to buy the food for me and my children.
While he will be living in the house without paying the bills.
I am not even sure if he will pay mortgage now.

[KIP.]

This is exactly what my ex did. Trying to make me financially dependent on him. Thinking I would come running right back. The more nasty he became, the more determined I was I wasn’t giving in. Telling me I had to pay half the bills when he knew I didn’t have nearly as much money as him. It wasn’t long before my ex because violent so bail conditions kept him out the home but it’s sad you have to wait to be badly hurt.

[dustypink]

He doesn’t offer to pay even half.
He doesn’t want to pay at all!
No money for the children, nothing!

[dustypink]

He has put our family car for sale.
How predictible he is.

[HopeLifeJoy]

I’m so sorry you are going through this right now Dustypink, It makes me angry and sad that financial abuse is not taken seriously by the professionals who are supposed to help you! No serious incident. It just makes my blood boil inside! This is black on white hard evidence! Him closing all the accounts. Cutting you off. A normal divorce doesn’t go that way, can’t they see this is abuse? How are you supposed to provide even the basics for yourself and your kids?
I hope someone in your support system wakes the hell up and gives you the support you deserve.

Pls keep strong as you have till now, keep going, keep posting, sending you lots of strength!

[dustypink]

HopeLifeJoy
Thank you!
I was going to the job interview today and found that hi has hid car key.
I am lucky I know him good enough to hide spare key away a few weeks ago )

Trying to focus on how to get well-paid job and where to find the money until I find the job.

I also think he will finish all financial options soon and will try something different.

I’ve found he has set up new life insurance on his own name without my name and just think this is not really clever – as we are still married, and if something happens to him I will be the first who will get the money ) No logic at all, just to hurt me, no difference how.

[KIP.]

Some life insurance policies are part of a savings scheme where you get money after you’ve been paying in for several years if you don’t claim. A good way to get rid of money but he will actually get it back.

[dustypink]

KIP
No, this is simple insurance required by mortgage provider.
I predict his next step will be to move the car to a secret place so I can’t use it.
As I need a car I probably will be looking for some cheap one to buy ASAP, otherwise will be a problem to get kids to their courses & clubs and for me to get to the job interviews.

I also think may be I also need to act? Not just to accept everything he is doing?
I can do A LOT, as I know all his weak sides. I don’t know do I need to change my own tactics or just wait what the next will happen?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi dustypink
This is all about keeping safe. Please try to keep your head down and to avoidconflict, or whatever to normally do,because that last thing he should realise is the kinds of thoughts you are having or get wind of any plans to might make.

Keep your powder dry, as they say!

Get all your ducks in a row first, very secretively, and take all the expert advice yu can get from WA helpline and locally if you have near you.

Warmest wishes ts

[dustypink]

Twisted Sister
Thank you!

I’ve calmed down now. I think I’ve got all possible advice )

I’ve lost the battle, but not the war!

I’ve applied for Child Maintenance today ) I even didn’t know i can until he lives with us! But as he separated everything, even has his own food, and actually never carried about the children, I am eligible for Child Maintenance!
At least I will be able to pay for the school clubs.

Also we’ve sent application for the legal aid finally, if it will be accepted, will start financial process soon.

I am looking for a job, I think this will be the best option for me – even if I loose legal Aid – I will be able to rent a house and to move out!

[dustypink]

He has removed some fuses from our family car and I can’t use it anymore.
I need to buy a car urgently now, I have more job interviews to attend, most of the places cannot be reached by publuc transport. And my kids need to get to their clubs/sessions.
I woke at night and just understood this.
I saw yesterday he was doing something with the car and opened fuse box.
I just woke up at night with this in my head, went downstairs abd checked the car. It was dead . He even didn’t tell me! just made a surprise like last week with hiding the keys.
I woke him up full of emotions trying to make him fix the car.
Of course I was just wasting my time.
I didn’t sleep till the morning thinking where I can get the money.
I am selling already some personal things to buy food and pay for school transport.
I just hate him and want him to dissapear.

[KIP.]

I fear he will damage a car that you get too. The main thing is to get away from him. Keep a journal of his controlling behaviour. Could you ask other mums and dads to take the kids to the clubs in the short term. Keep a journal of his behaviour. Your first action with legal aid could be an occupation order to get him out the house. So start to gather evidence. Keep a detailed journal.

[dustypink]

KIP
Thank you!
Please read my previous posts – I can’t get occupational order! Until he is physical. He knows this probably.
Nobody needs my diary. Only WA helpline & local support groups workers told me this is abuse and I need to protect myself. All other people – solicitor, police, DV assessment team, they don’t think I have a chance to get him out of the house until I suffer physical violence from him.
Nobody will help me, I just need to be strong and smile to my kids and try to spend less money.
Police officer called me last week to check if I am fine. I told that – yes, I am, since only physical violence is a criminal case and everything else doesn’t count. I am still alive – I told him. I understand, he can do nothing.

[KIP.]

Coercive control is a crime. He’s controlling your movements by limiting access to your transport, Criminal damage is a crime. He’s damaged your car. Concentrate on getting free but think outside the box x everything he is doing is building up to a physical assault. Have you spoken to Rights for Women. They offer free legal advice and are far more knowledgeable. Don’t give up but be very careful. Ask for a door brace from the police for your own safety when you sleep x keep in touch with the domestic abuse police too

[dustypink]

This car is registered on him, not on me.
I need to buy my own car during today or tomorrow the latest.

[Tiffany]

Can you go into a refuge? Honestly, things sound really dangerous at the moment. Clear and massive escalation. I don’t think your own car will help. I think you just need to get out and start over from somewhere safe.

[Shipoffools]

I agree with KIP and Tiffany…bless you, you are desperately trying to fix each problem he’s throwing at you, but really you now need to take stock and see this situation as a whole and that you are not safe….you are in danger….can you and your children go to a refuge? Things are escalating, the more problems you fix the more he will just step up his game…..save your energy for building a new life after he is out of it. Coercive control is a crime. You will get help good luck xx

[dustypink]

Thank you, ladies!
I don’t see myself in a refuge.
First of all – kids. Second – my elderly mum is here, where do I take her? She even doesn’t have NIN, just visiting me. If she goes home to my native country, i won’t be able to work, but I am almost offered really good place which would allow me to rent a house on my own and pay for everything. Need to go on Tuesday to discuss last details before i start, and the car is also needed, no public transport there. I plan to arrange childcare before my mum goes, but she may stay for a month more to help me to settle in.

I’ve bought the car. My brother gave me some money, I just went walking and bought it. Nice car, my car, hopefully will be running ok )

Also I want to find different solicitor. I don’t think my existing has enough competence. I’ve found a woman who is in touch with local DA support group, even provides some free advice. Will try to call her tomorrow, just sent an email yesterday.

My husband called the police and told I’ve hidden his documents for the family car. I hoped they will come, but no, they didn’t.

All I want now – this weekend to finish finally and him to be at work.

There will be another escalation next week after he will be contacted by Child Maintenance Service. He doesn’t know yet that I’ve filed for child maintenance.

I promise I will think about refuge.

[Tiffany]

This may seem nuts, but can you hide the car from him. Park it away from the house, don’t tell him you have bought it? I am worried that he is going to destroy it, and possibly hurt you for trying to break his control.

[dustypink]

Tiffany
He is clever and he is controlling himself. He knows, he can’t be physically abusive. He even doesn’t shout at me. If he destroys my car – I possibly will get occupational order, the car is not so expensive, but he will be reported for the 2nd time. Police officer told him he can be deported as he is on Visa.
He looks happy now that he can sell family car and don’t give me any money.
I think the only thing he loves – is money.
He was offering me to make an agreement to sell the house. To avoid legal fees etc. The problem is I don’t believe any his word anymore. Even it will cost me thousands, everything will be done via solicitors & court decisions.

[lost]

Havnt read all the responses on here but saw the bit about the email he sent. Print it send it to a trusted friend keep a copy. Mine logged in to my phone and email and deleted all evidence of abuse vile texts and emails etc. Just keep a copy please. X

[Shipoffools]

He won’t like that you’ve bought a car. Can you park it in someone’s garage maybe where he can’t get to it? He knows a car ultimately aids your freedom. I hope everything comes good with the job you’ve applied for. If he damages the car please report it to the police. You can take children into a rufuge, but not your mum, I don’t think, good luck xx

[Shipoffools]

Ps could your mum go stay with your brother just for safety for time being, if he’s in th UK? Good luck xx

[dustypink]

My brother isn’t here, only my mum. I have no relatives here, just 1 friend. I was isolated for many years.
If I get this job I can look for the house to move quickly, I really really hope I’ll get it.

I’ll report him straight away even he breaks something or damage, he knows this. That’s why he called the police today to report me.

I’ll try to get another legal advice this week.

[lover of no contact]

Hi dustypink,

You are doing so well, keep doing what you’re doing and move forward. My ex did similar ‘financial abuse tactics’ to keep me from leaving. He stopped my access to our money and he started doing the weekly foodshop. He would not pay the car repair/service bill and myself and the children were left without a car. He bought himself a moped bike. He put me under daily pressure using his voice and body to get me to give him my children’s allowance to pay the school fees. The children in their early teens were anxious they’d have to leave their schools so they put me under relentless pressure with him, for the child benefit. He rang the agency and said we were not taking students in the house anymore. I had students arranged but the agency then withdrew them. I would ask him for money for the children (well grovel) sometimes he’s say yes, sometimes he’s say no and often he’d throw a paltry note at me and I’d bend down and pick it up, no matter how small. This was done in front of the kids at times although I tried to shield them. This went on for months. Eventually I got a job. Bear in mind he was earning a fantastic income , I had put all my time, energy and my inheritance money into building up his business. They really do operate on “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own!”

As well as hoping that I would not end the cycle of abuse by financially abusing me, my ex was also getting off on my distress, worry, fear , unmanageable life, anger, frustration etc.in reaction to his financial abuse tactics. He loved seeing me in this quandary. It made him feel powerful and like you my legal aid team didn’t push for maintenance as he was paying for food (very basic though), the bills and he went to paying interest-only mortgage. He also stopped paying our house insurance.

So this can be part of the process of leaving, having to experience their escalation of the financial abuse. I was financially abused through the marriage but I didn’t realise it as he used strategic debt to keep me scrimping and saving for myself and the children while he spent freely.

Hang on in there. I had so many negative emotions most days due to the financial abuse (plus the shouting , intimidating and harassing me daily) with the children confused and taking his side as he undermined me along with his family taking his side. But I kept going (with lots of support) and reaching out as you are doing and I’m free now (of him and his family) and he’s moved unto another intimate partner and I’m going from strength to strength and healing more and more by the day. So you will get there.

You’re right he loves you to come at him all emotional about what he’s doing. That’s why he does what he does. He thrives off your emotions. But its hard not to give him a reaction when they up the abuse and push our buttons so much. But then again his escalation meant that my ties and bond to him were cut completely; there would be no going back for me …ever. He destroyed evry last ounce of love I had for him by his behaviour with the finances, the shouting, harassing, threatening, using the children to hurt me, bad-mouthing me to whoever would listen to him etc

Keep posting.

This extremely difficult time will pass.

[dustypink]

lover of no contact
Thank you so much!
You are right. When we met he was just a labourer. Now he has his own company. I’ve done a lot for him, for free of course. He was coming home like to a hotel, all the housework, children – this was my responsibility. And I was working from home all these years, andfor half of them I was paying rent fully and most of the bills. I’ve got the mortgage for us. I’ve prepared all the documents for his visa. I even saved him from the prison once being deeply pregnant. This doesn’t count. I can’t change anything. There no feelings left at all. I just have to move forward step by step.

[dustypink]

My youngest was crying yesterday as daddy told him he will go away for a long and told him goodbye before my son went to bed. He also told daddy told him he is leaving because he and mummy are arguing.

I was upset and angry. Took a time to calm him down. He is so young in a very primary school, so sensitive and nervous of course to live in such an environment.

However, today his daddy came home, probably being contacted by Child maintenance service.
He came to me and told that he will get kids to the school tomorrow.
I am just worried if he gets them to the right school and in time. Hopefully he will see logo on their school jumpers.
I don’t know how this will effect CM payments, but I see he doesn’t want to pay anything to me even for his kids. This war will never end (
I spoke to the bank, he has cancelled direct debit for the mortgage. I have 1 week to decide what to do.
Also will have appointment soon with a lady solicitor, who has big experience with DA, she gave me some advice in email already. I need to prepare all the questions I have for this appointment.

[dustypink]

I know now why did he need to get me off our family car.
He has booked (detail removed by moderator) to travel by this car with another girl.
I am very angry on him, I still have no money from him, no tax credits, but I’ll neef to pay bills again soon. I have called bank yesterday and they told me there is no direct debit set up for the mortgage. They can’t help me, if there will be no payment from any of us on time, there will be some actions from them straight away. I talked to the lady, she was understanding my situation. We decided that the best for me is to wait until the evening on the payment day and give them a call. If there will be no payment from him, I will need to pay.
Will ask the solicitor tomorrow, but don’t think she will help me. There is an agreement with bank, we signed it both.

I am happy from another side, we will have normal weekend finally. And hopefully he will move out soon.

[Twisted Sister]

Just came on to send more support your way. His actions in financiallyabusing you and deliberately distressing his children should be enough to get him out, an occupation order for you.

I am so sorry to hear what you are having to deal with; have your heard of rights of women, they can give you free advice and have even dictated court letters to me.

This will cost you nothing more than a call, unless you have free phone minutes and then it will be free.

Talk through your situation with the helpline too as the more support you get the better you will manage and the safer your/his exit will be.

If he’s going off with a girl, can you not change the locks? He’s stopped paying the mortgage, if you have been supporting his business can you get the accounts frozen also, and the mortgage co will then understand that funds will be temporarily unavailable?

Send you loads of strength for this fight, you sund strong, keep going but above all,keep you all safe
Warmest wishes ts

[dustypink]

Thank you!
I have appointment tomorrow with another solicitor for free advice. This lady works closely with my local DA support organisation and has big experience with such a cases. I hope to know some other options from her.
My husband is closing his company. (Detail removed by moderator) which will allow him to hide most of his income.
I don’t have access to his company’s accounts anymore, he has changed all the passwords and access codes.
I am still waiting for tax credits, they need some additional docs for my income, I have to receive a letter from them.
I wait for response after my todays job interview, will know tomorrow. I’ll be saved if I get this job, but don’t know what to do if not (
I will call rights of woman if there will be no result after my meeting with solicitor tomorrow. But I think she works in the same system as they do.

[dustypink]

I. Got. The. Job.

Worthless immigrant, who came here to be on benefits, who will never find a good job, whose English is so bad she can work at a kitchen only, who spent almost decade sitting at home and doing nothing, who never was employed in UK.

I did it.

Office job, sales/marketing job, contract job, well-paid job.

Somebody there is definitely helping me.

I am sooo proud of myself and I still don’t believe it.
I have no shoes or smart trousers – only trainers & jeans ))) Shopping is urgently needed.

I am saved!

The war is not finished, but this battle is mine.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Oh this such great news Dustypink!! I am so happy for you! CONGRATULATIONS!! Well done. Hip hip hurray!!!
If you haven’t got much money H&M got great favourable office clothes.

[dustypink]

HopeLifeJoy
Thank you ) I buy there often )
I still can’t believe ))

[lover of no contact]

Hi Dustypink,

Well done for getting the job. That is fantastic news. Keep posting for support as he may try to wind you up even more so your mind and emotions will be a mess in order to jeopardize your job.

Also now you have the job remember to keep the money for your outgoings. From my experience I didn’t take up any mortgage repayments when my ex reduced his payment of the mortgage. Be slow to take up any of the financial commitments he has dropped. You will have the following payments that he will never take the tab for and your income needs to go on that:
Food/toiletries
Car tax/insurance/repairs etc
children’s clothes/footwear
Your clothes/footwear
Credit for phone
Bills (TV license, electricity, heating, bins etc)
Household and garden repairs
Dental/Doctor/Optician apts for you and children (medicine )
Haircuts (you and kids)
Kids activities
Kids school books and items and tours throughout the year
Christmas (and all that entails)
Birthdays, meals out, coffees out (odd treats)
Presents (family members, kids etc)
Children extras (eg bike/computer repairs etc)
Travel (bus fares kids) or odd train fare, odd taxi etc
Parking fees
Household/garden items

Not to mention money for a weekend away or a holiday or any luxury items like make-up etc.

Don’t rush into taking on any of his ‘strategic debt’ or dropping of financial responsibilities. Our nature is (well speaking for myself )is I rush to fix things . But I have learnt to not react and rush and pick up any balls he choses to drop. It means siting with the discomfort for a while and maybe pressure from a mortgage company but he’s not worried about them at the moment.

[dustypink]

lover of no contact
Thank you!
You are absolutely right!
We don’t spend a lot, and I’ll try to make a reserve for us.
I also will pay only absolutely necessary bills. Energy bill is on his name only, i won’t pay it.
I will wait until the day of the mortgage payment, late evening, and will pay only if there is no payment from his side.

I feel very bad today as he went on holidays with his new girlfriend. It took him less than a month to find her. I understand that everything is over, but I still feel bad now. I remember I had the same with my 1st husband, we split and in a few months he found another woman, and i was feeling very bad too.
This is like a funeral. I just need to cry a little leaving him in my past.
He wasn’t nice, our relationship was awful, but we were together anyway. I had a kind of support. And I became alone now. This is just a period of time, I understand, but I need to pass it.

I also met another solicitor, much more confident, I liked her a lot. She doesn’t work under legal Aid unfortunately, and I can’t afford to pay her, but she gave me 1 h of free advice.
She recommended to think about the option to stay in the house. She told me this would be better solution for me since I have a job and can pay the bills. My mortgage amount to pay is less than a rent I would pay for another house. And I won’t be eligible for any benefits after the house is sold, I will spend the amount I get very quickly, and will have nothing left then.
She told me there are some ways to transfer his part of mortgage on me with a time.
I have to think about this all and to decide – what would be better for me.

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Dusty Pink, great news about the job. Congrats ! not easy but we can make it here with lucky breaks and hard work.
All the survivors on here show me we can be better off as single parents once we are free. With very low funds I found everythingfivepounds.com can be ok for work wardrobe pieces from the high street if you choose carefully.
I am sorry you have been so disrespected. Is he gone for good now ? Be careful, we must stay very safe x*x

[Twisted Sister]

I am so thrilled for you!! Congratulations!!
So awesome. So sad you refer to yourself as worthless immigrant. Never. Theres nothing wrong with being an immigrant and you’ve certainly proves to yourself now I hope that you are far from worthless, with or without work you are never worthleß,and I hope and hope that this new job with give you huge strength to deal with him.

Warmest wishes ts

[dustypink]

Apricotpoppy
Thank you!
He will come back, he left all his belongings here. He just found some girl and invited her for the weekend to a neighbour country. Same town, same hotel, same sightseeing which I’ve found and planned for us, and were we’ve been twice before. No imagination at all.
As I heard, he is going to his home country straight away after he comes back from this romantic trip. I don’t know for how long, probably a couple of weeks. He didn’t have sex for more than a months, that’s why he is doing all this.

My mother in law wrote me for the first time since everything started. She is not a bad woman, and to be honest, I even feel sorry for her. He is often very cruel to her and makes her to cry. And i can divorce him, but she will have him in her life forever. So she wrote me a lot of bad words, I just understood what he is telling her – is a castle of lies. He tells her, I don’t feed the children, I don’t want him to be in their lives, I play “dirty”, he cannot agree with me, I am involving children etc etc. Classic tactics which is well known to me – blame me for everything HE does actually. He is very, very predictable to me now.

Twisted Sister
Thank you!
These all are HIS words about me, this is what I was listening from him for years! He was telling me I’ll never find a good job here, I am worthless, I can work as a cleaner only, nobody needs me, my English is awful etc etc.
My biggest success is that for almost a decade spent at home with my children, I was working! Self employed, buying, selling, some projects, websites, done some courses… He was very unhappy always, but I didn’t listen to him. This was what helped me to survive, not to loose myself fully. This helped me to find the job too.
I have Masters degree, before I came to UK I’ve done quite a successful career in my country, but he almost destroyed my personality.
I understand now how it was good for him – free childminder for 3 kids, cleaner, cooker, painter, decorator, bookkeeper, solicitor, sex-slave. Just for the food, the roof over my head and some birthday presents. And I was working all these years, not too big income, but anyway. Of course he didn’t want me to work full time!
He just used me. Painful to realise, but there was no love from his side. Never. Just mercantile interest.

[dustypink]

He came yesterday and packed his belongings.
Told he won’t pay child maintenance and mortgage.
Told I’ll not be able to pay for everything and will sell the house.
Told, he won’t see the kids, they are only mine now, not his anymore. He told our daughter he will never come back and never will see her again.
He went away and left the key.
I never could imagine how happy I’ll be when he leaves.
Have my first day at my new job and probably a date in the evening ) Haven’t been on dates for more than decade, just want to try )

[KIP.]

Mine took is new girlfriend to the same place we holidayed. You’re right about having no imagination. However if it was as serious as he made out he wouldn’t have stayed with me until his arrest. Please change the locks right away and get an occupation order or something else in place. I know if it wasn’t for bail conditions my ex would have moved back in. Just to flex his muscles and show he still had the upper hand. They’re like giant toddlers and you just don’t know when the tantrum will come. Take dating very slowly. You’re still very very very vulnerable and it took me a couple of years to get my head in focus after being abused. Concentrate on your recovery and the wellbeing of your children. You have not seen the last of him. How dreadful to tell his daughter these things. My ex blamed me for everything to his family and my child. Please try to go zero contact from the beginning. Start as you mean to go on x he will be back if he can see a way back in.

[dustypink]

Thank you, KIP!
He has left his key, no need to change the lock. And he has the right to enter the house.
My main battle again is finances, as I still get nothing, and my first salary will be in 3 weeks.
I think he will do like my 1st husband – just forgot about us and started a new life. I really hope he will do this too.

My date was more for going out and meeting people, not about relationship.
And after I split to my 1st husband (abusive too) I was so scared, I didn’t have any relationship for a several years. And then met him, who was much worse than my first.
I will be very careful, and I know that my kids need me.

[dustypink]

Hi everyone,

Just thought I must leave it here.

I WON.

He left and found another woman.
He started to pay Child Maintenance as CMS pushed him. He still owes me the money but I am sure I will get them back.

He never came or called after he left, even on his son’s Birthday.

I work full time, pay childminder, my mum comes to help me time by time. But even without her – I am coping perfect.

I don’t feel lonely or broken. I am happy and still enjoying all the things I couldn’t enjoy with him.

I don’t drink alcohol, go to gym and sleep much better now.

I don’t miss him at all, don’t want to see him and don’t talk to his mum anymore as she was not respectful towards me. I don’t have people i don’t like in my life anymore.

My kids are fine. They didn’t ask often about their daddy as nothing almost changed in their lives since he left. He never participated and they haven’t noticed his absence. They miss him and ask about him, but not so often as I thought they will.

I still have to recover fully. To allow myself to do things I wouldn’t be allowed to do with him. This is the biggest challenge. To buy what I want, but not what is cheaper. To have a rest and have lazy days. Some simple things, but hard for me.

2018 was very hard for me, but I did it. It took a year for me to separate from him emotionally. And a few months of constant stress to separate physically.

I will start mediation next week. A few sessions to understand if it worth. I am going to offer him some sum to transfer his mortgage share on my name. But I am not worried and I am not scared. I won. I am stronger than him, more clever and i have no mercy left to him at all. He lost his power on me.

Thank you all for your support and help.
I wish every girl here will be able to write such a message.
xx

[KIP.]

Well done. Just keep your guard up. Get good legal advice. If you’ve got the kids, get him to sign the house to you. Don’t offer him money yet..let’s see if he pays child support x

[Iwantmeback]

Well done you should be very very proud of yourself 💜

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Dusty Pink, wondering how you were , so great to hear, very inspiring ! Am still out, doing modified no contact, finding it a bit hard with finances/housing but ok and flying FREE !! All the best x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Dustypink, very nice to hear from you, how wonderful that you are doing so well, amazingly inspiring for us all. A win for one of us is a win for all of us so thank you for sharing.
Tiny bit concerned with mediation? I though that doesn’t work with abusers? Not sure what you meant. Be careful when dealing with him.

[dustypink]

Since I started to work, I am not eligible for Legal Aid anymore. (detail removed by Moderator) but I’ve got very good legal advice. I have a plan and know what I am doing 🙂
I don’t have to see him during mediation.
I want to secure myself and to get him out of the mortgage (and land register of course). Otherwise he has right to come back any moment.
He has a new victim behind. He doesn’t need me anymore, and he knows that I am not under his control anymore. As his mum told me, he wasn’t expecting that I will plan everything behind his back.

Anyway, I will stop mediation if I will feel uncomfortable. But I will have a letter (detail removed by Moderator) that I’ve tried.

Thank you for your nice words! x x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Oh that’s good, if you don’t have to see him during mediation. I like how clever and prepared your are, very inspiring and I cheer for you to keep going to secure your place. You truly won, the fact that you are no longer under his control anymore is a definite victory.

[dustypink]

HopeLifeJoy

Thank you!

You are right, the main thing is that I am not addicted to him emotionally. This happened actually many months before we split.

I spoke to mediator today. Nice lady, I didn’t have to explain a lot, it was enough to tell her that he doesn’t see or call his children for months.

She told that 2 meetings will be enough.

But now, his mum wrote a message that he is not going to mediate at all 🙂 He will never change, doing everything to show me he is ruling here. Funny, as this works good for me, I will get a letter confirming that I’ve tried and he rejected. Which will be used in the court later.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Great indeed, his actions ( or non actions) are playing in your favor.
Keep going Dustypink, I am so proud of you. Well done.

[diymum@1]

They trip themselves up time and time again. In time were able to look at them and laugh. They can keep that mask from slipping forever xx 🙂 tough lady 🙂 x*x

[dustypink]

Hi,

I just thought I need to revisit this topic.

My life is just perfect and i am totally happy.
I’ve remortgaged on my sole name and paid him to get his name off. This was stressful with lots of threats and manipulation, but finally I am free and safe.
He sees his kids when he wants to, but i don’t care if he doesn’t.
I work and make carrier.
I’ve been dating different men and been able to stop when i didn’t like their attitude. At the moment I’m seeing a very nice man and having a very calm and relaxed time with him still able to manage my own independence and not falling into him fully, which is exactly what I need.

It was a great experience for me which changed me significantly. All of this – relationship, finding myself stuck and getting out, receiving support and recovering. It’s a great lesson for me. And probably this was needed to get me where I am now. In my own happy world I’ve built myself.

I just wish everyone on here is in their own happy place some day doesn’t matter how long would it take.
It is absolutely worth trying hard to get out and to fight for your happiness.
And it is worth asking for help and getting help.

Sending my love!

[iliketea]

@dustypink WOW! Thank you so much for posting! I read the first post and went to reply and then realised it was 2018!! And this is the end of the story! Well done, you must be so proud of yourself. Thank you for posting and updating. I am sure there will be some women here who remember you at the start of the journey too and will post when they’re on. xxxx

[HunkyDory]

I just read all your history. Wow what a remarkable woman you are. To come through what you did and have the life you love and deserve now is huge credit to your resilience, intelligence and sheer determination and grit. I’m b****y cheering for you here. So good to read, thank you x

[dustypink]

Thank you, ladies!!

It’s a great place here and I got lots of support and motivation at this forum.

I’m scared to read this topic again though, so probably I won’t! 😀

Time goes fast and it took a while to rebuilt my self-confidence and to learn how to love myself. I am still learning, but enjoying the process!

We are braver, than we believe!
We are stronger, that we seem!
We are smarter, than we think!
And we are loved more than we know!

xx

[Scapegoat]

Wow, thank you for posting the happy end to your story. I’m so pleased you found the strength and confidence to move on. I’m in pretty much the same situation as you but still don’t have the guts or confidence to make the move. I’m not walking away from a house I jointly own but I feel soon I may have to and lose the lot for my own sanity. Well done you, dustypink, I’m so pleased to read something positive 💕

[Lisa]

Hi dustypink,

Thank you for sharing such positivity with us! I am so pleased to hear how well you are doing. Take care and enjoy your new life.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Dustypink, you’re an absolute inspiration!! Through sheer determination and your pragmatic approach you kept on pushing through to not only free yourself of abuse but be independent and happy too. Well done my dear 💪🌸
I wish you all the best in your new life and thank you so much for coming here to share , it shows that it can be done 🤗
I like your quote, very true 😘
Take care

[dustypink]

Thank you so much ladies!

A very important thing I understood.

We are not coming here for advice. We are here because we already know the answer. Otherwise we wouldn’t.
We just need some support and help to move forward.

But the first step is to trust yourself, your feelings, your intuition – which is extremely hard to do in the circumstances we are, with all the fear making the biggest part of our life.

The answer was always there. Since the first time he shouted at me. It’s just about being brave enough to face it.

xx

[Author]

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