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I hate weekends. I hate it all . I dread every moment of love from him now because niceness doesn’t last and anything will top it .
I feel so sick
There must be some love deep underneath surely . The hatred in his looking at me is that real or is the loving look real. I’m so heartbroken I can’t do it all I don’t know how to change my act to suit everyone’s need i can’t do that and let it be at detriment to children but now each time I try to shield or stand up for it causes such horrible times. -
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Why do they start at weekends it’s even weekends I dread it ? I hate it I hate waking up knowing he will start on me either what I’m wearing if I’m on my phone or he can’t find a certain outfit once he locked me in his car and took me on a ride from w helll because i got fluff on his jacket in the wash it don’t matter what it is but it’s alwyas something.
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hi rainbow cloud im so sorry you have to endure horrible weekends . For my husband i think the weekends are worse simply because he is around and also his use of three substances increases . it used to just be alcohol and cannabis to control pain now its also something else and that brings out a completely different side to him. Take it all away on a sunday when he is on a low then it honestly looks like a possessed man at me and like you say it doesnt matter what i do. it can even be that he dropped something. (detail removed by moderator) its clearly my fault for it not being in right place cue all the throwing slamming and well just i know its wrong but i just cant get my head into thinking that if all the other things taken away that the loving face is the real man. Guess it doesnt matter really as it should not be happening. I really hope that your week is better sending lots of love to you x
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The love from them is a love of making us feel destroyed, seeing us upset, gaining a sense of power and control, love of being top dog. They have no love for us. The way they switch ‘feelings’ so quickly shows a complete lack of depth. If you stay he will destroy you and your mental health, while he sucks the life from you, he will feel great x he chooses to abuse substances and he chooses to abuse you. Speak to women’s aid about an exit plan. Don’t waste any more years on such a person x
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Thanks kip , I know deepest down I know it’s only crushing me further staying . Practically when I can I’ve tried to make steps. I’ve been doing things in background i have made sure a bag has enough stuff for night for girls and me I’ve left it under house now though as it’s locked and he doesn’t have key any more fir that door I don’t think . And if he saw he would assume it’s just another bag as it’s full down there of bagged up old clothes to pass on / charity. I don’t have money .. I earn each week a wage but i pay everything rent bills food everything from mine and what he gives each week so I’ve been putting aside by cutting back on food to 20-25 a week . I know in my head I just have to wait until my tenancy expires and go onto rolling next year. In the mean time I’m actually rather than sat thinking he will be better to me. I sit thinking of ways I can just call police when he next lashes out but I never do because a mixture of shock or inability to I start tomorrow a group support thing that has come about from me “getting help for my depression “ etc. I had to tell him in case he saw me there and he just jokes I need all the help I can, that doubt it’ll be full of people as mad in head as me etc. So he’s not kicked off so I can go to it which I’m now really anxious of going to so maybe it’s me who likes him stopping me doing things .
I need to reserve involving any outsiders because I just think maybe once I go he will change because Hes not actually lost everything before as I’m always chasing or can’t keep things . So if I make it so it’s between us two and as a normal leaving someone then I can try to re build if he changes? He won’t go so it’ll have to be me
Going as even when telling explicitly leave he says he will in morning but then thinkS it’s all Normal again etc. -
The only love there is their love of power and control. The rush of chemicals that get released when they are being abusive towards us is like a drug in itself so they crave that feeling more and more. Have you heard the term trauma bonded?its the same as Stockholm syndrome. When we fall for these men, it’s the same chemicals that are released when we form a bond with our new born baby. The SAME chemical is released when we are in flight/ fight and freeze mode. So when our partner is responsible for the release of this chemical that’s when the confusion sets in,, he loves me, but why does he act like he hates me. He loves me, yet he’s just threatened to seriously hurt a family member etc. This constant push pull threat is just awful. It heightens our insecurity and vulnerabilities. Why would someone who loves us tgreaten to leave our tell you to leave if you don’t like it. Trust me once you do leave they’ll be telling you they didn’t mean it, it was only a figure of speech. The lies and saying anything to win you back is just as predictable as the abuse dished out while living with them. It NEVER ends, it just changes direction. There is no excuse for abuse.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
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I too am really struggling with this. Everyday is different, a different thought or feeling towards him and the relationship we had. I feel sad about it and miss what I thought was a normal relationship. Did he ever love me? Was any of it genuine? I’d always ask myself how can you treat someone like that if you love them and you’d do anything for them? Or was I just there to give him children and to keep his mother happy as she is the only person he seems to think about.
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From what I understand, some abusers can have ‘feelings’ for their partners, but it’s not love as we see love, but is a very twisted view. For a start, abusers don’t like women and harbour a deep disrespect for them – and how can you love someone whom you disrespect, view as inferior and regard with hostility and contempt?
An abuser’s idea of a relationship is very, very different from ours. For a start, they are very self-centred and feel entitled to have everything their own way, so there’s no give and take as there would be in a healthy relationship. This may sound brutal, but the abuser’s aim when he meets a women he’s attracted to, is to ‘train’ her to become his devoted servant, who will take care of all his needs and not have any of her own. He feels entitled to use and exploit all her good qualities and all of her resources – financial and emotional. To ensure that she will not leave him, he gains access to her inner world to get inside her head, to gain control of her mind and manipulate her emotions. He deliberately and intentionally works to destroy her self-esteem, self-confidence and he self-worth, to ensure she is too weak to ever leave him. He works to isolate her from her family and friends to deprive her of outside support and from people’s opinions who differ from his, and who may threaten his control. Sometimes, he will act kindly and lovingly towards you because if he was horrible all the time, you would not stay. Sadly, the love and kindness is not genuine, but a manipulative tactic to keep you hooked into the relationship. He enjoys the power he gets from this. He loves causing you distress because it makes him feel powerful. If he can get you to doubt yourself, he feels great. He cares nothing about the hurt and distress he causes you, because in his mind, only his feelings matter.
Healthy people don’t try to destroy the ones they love; they uplift and support them. In contrast, the abuser’s view of love is about power, control and exploitation -it’s certainly not love as we see it.
I’m glad you’ve found the support of this forum as it’s the first step towards gaining your freedom. Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard and you may have several false starts, but every step you take – however small – is in the direction towards freedom.
Lots of love, Copperflame xx
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I feel the same. I have just got out of an abusive relationship and I am struggling every day. Its been a week now and I blocked him on my phone. But he has got round that by buying a new one. He calls all the time, and I have spoken to him twice, which makes me feel worse. As he tells me how much he loves me etc…. I end up in tears, but know I could never have him back. I was a balanced, woman before he came into my life. Now he has destroyed me emotionally, my trust has gone, he took what I thought was our future. Two years of a relationship gone… like that and now I feel so incredibly lonely and alone. Going through the motions of each day but not feeling human. How long does it take to get back on track?
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Wow it was indeed brutal to read this because it rings so totally true. I think you’re describing very well how he is seeing his version of love and how he is treating us. @Copperflame
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Hi Rosamond, welcome and well done for leaving him, you will slowly start feeling your old self again when you are no longer in contact with him because any contact with him is like consuming poison. Go No Contact, blocking his new number but best to change your own and block him everywhere on social media, redirect his emails straight into spam ( and set it up to be deleted immediately). It does get better, you take it one day at a time honey. Keep posting on here for support. Also call Women’s Aid often and/or the Samaritans just for a talk, they’ll understand and support you too. If you have trustworthy friends and family, contact them and organise small activities together. Keeping connected to decent people is important. Keep posting. You’ll get through this.
Sending you big hugs 💕 -
it Really is brutal but honest to read and I’m grateful to hear it really to keep my head from tearing myself down any more. I attended the support group today for depression and anxiety and had a panic attack even just just attending it was horrific I then couldn’t stop tears flowing whilst sat listening to just normal stuff . Writing down a problem statement and triggers etc and I’m sat just seeing my husband in all my thoughts hearing a voiceover and when they talk of getting to who you were before depression etc I can’t see the before depression it just seems it’s me but the before depression traits of me were before him. I sat and heard people talk and this lovely person was anxious and they said there name to me in the kitchen on the break and my immediate worry didn’t come from speaking to him I worried immediately that if Husband knew him or if anyone saw me say hello I’d be in trouble. I don’t get out much as work at home and I hate school run so today was quite a big thing but I question why it has to be such a big thing? I probably am not making much sense I’m just enjoying a slight breather in time last week and this week of his work being further away meaning later returns
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