Surviving..just..

[ArtyGirly]

Hi,

I’m not really sure where to begin but I just feel like I need to get some of these words out before they consume me..

I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator) decades and we have (detail removed by Moderator) children, there is a very large age gap and one is an infant.

my partner has always been harsh with me/strict but he was always loving too and the good outweighed the bad. Now the bad outweighs the good.
we didn’t live together previously but recently we have and all day everyday he is cruel towards me, there is never any apology or any realisation that his actions are wrong, it’s all day everyday, he keeps me awake at night to berate me on all of my shortcomings (of which there are a great many)

I don’t know how to cope anymore, I have no family for support, I’ve distanced myself from friends because I feel nothing but shame. I feel like life has no joy left for me and I can only blame myself because all I ever wanted was to live together and be a family.

my partner has physically assaulted me and sexually assaulted me, and says it’s his right. He has said my only role in life is to support and please him and he says I don’t deserve any kindness from him at all as I ‘owe him’ (he paid off some debts for me for which obviously I am greatful) and he says I have to

pay him back in ‘kind’ for the rest of my life. He tells me constantly that if people knew our situation no one would be on my ‘side’ and would all think I’m as awful as he says I am

I don’t know how to change anything, I’m scared and I feel useless, everything I thought I was good at before I now feel incapable of, I feel embarassed to be me, the fat, useless, slow, lazy, stupid woman that he says I am.

reading people’s stories I know there is a way out and that gives me a bit of hope, so thank you.

I hope I can call myself a survivor someday and feel like me again.

[SeaView21]

Firstly I’m on your side!!

We have so much in common – my partner paid off some of my debts and I have to forever feel great full! I’m constantly reminded how rubbish I am with money. I’m constantly reminded without him – id be screwed.

He has  also knocked my confidence – to the point I don’t feel good enough – I don’t deserve anything. That’s a lie – I do! You do! You deserve to be happy – you deserve to be free but most importantly you deserve to be confidently YOU.

I know now why he put in so much effort to knock me down – to keep me down and that’s because he doesn’t want me to leave. He doesn’t want to me to realise I’m better than this.

I have started saying positive affirmations in the mirror – It’s hard when you’ve been told your fat or ugly but do it.. You’ll start believing it! It’ll start giving you that power – that confidence to know you deserve more.

Also, every time you feel like you’re not strong – think back at everything you’ve already survived – think back at everything you’ve achieved. Your stronger than you think.

Sending love.

[Author]

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