Taken one step forward…

[Catjam]

I finally spoke to my gp today. I couldn’t quite find the words to say what was going on or explain what was happening. After she asked a lot of questions she told me I wasn’t being crazy or pathetic and that she was validating my marriage was abusive. She has asked me to contact a local group for support and advice and will check in a fortnight.
I hadn’t realised how ashamed I felt and how hard it would be to actually speak to someone about it and not anonymously on here.
She said whether I decide to stay or leave I need help and support. I refused medication as they made me feel like a zombie before but they are an option if I feel I can’t cope.
I thought I would feel relieved but I just feel tired and overwhelmed.

[KIP.]

It’s always takes a day or two for the true feelings to come through. You’re exhausted because it takes a lot out of us to open up emotionally and then There’s the come down from that overload of emotion. But you’ve made a fantastic start and it gets easier next time. Just keep reaching out and building a support network x

[Soulsearcher18]

Catjam, well done.
You have done so well to do this and I am so pleased to hear that the GP was supportive.
It is incredibly difficult to speak it out loud and yes, sadly we carry the shame that is not our weight to bear.
I promise, it will get easier to speak of it, especially speaking to DV workers- I hope that you are able to access their services smoothly and quickly. Remember that there is the webchat facility on this site and e-mail and the phone line if there is any wait for your local services.
However that goes, sticking to regular contact with this GP is important now so that you can continue to check in.
I told a friend first, I then eventually managed to tell a DV worker over the phone which was so hard. With other professionals, like GP and solicitors etc, I had to take a trusted friend to hand hold and I had to write it down and hand it to the professionals too.
Looking back, oh my goodness- I can see how far I have come. I have needed medication since getting out though and I am no advocate of it but it has helped. In leading up to getting out and once survivors have got out, I have read that it is common for some women to experience PTSD symptoms. I am not surprised by this because of the pressure of all of it, I do wonder if taking something prior to leaving would have helped me prepare better and avoid the symptoms I experienced.
That said, if you suspect in any way that your perpetrator may be drugging you at all (I have absolutely no idea what your circumstances are but I do know anything is possible)- please take care and discuss this further with your GP obviously before starting to take medication.
I do believe coming on here and typing it out to others before speaking to professionals is an excellent place to start as you get that reassurance and support before you even start vocalising it.
Sometimes, with the best will in the world, professionals are only human. Some are jobs worth’s, some are inexperienced, some don’t have a clue and some shouldn’t be in it at all. You will likely meet a lot of different professionals along the way and not all are like this but if you do meet any, just don’t let them throw you off. It’s them not you and you will always get your support and reassurance here on forum and from Women’s Aid.
There are some really great workers out there and your confidence will grow in being able to express yourself, you will be amazed actually at the difference when you look back.
This is such good news, this has made my day!
I hope you’ve been able to catch your breath afterwards, go easy now.
Keep in touch with us.

Soulsearcher18

[Catjam]

Thank you both. I spoke to my sister too, who knows how bad things are. She gave a little cheer and has offered to help. She said if I decide to stay or go she will support me but hopes I find the strength to stand up for myself. Xx

[iliketea]

Well done @catjam! More later but just wanted to jump in and say yes being worn out having told someone is really normal. If you can have some time switching off for a bit. Exercise, sleep, watch something silly, chat to a friend about other stuff. Regroup and recharge. X*x

[Sleepy]

Well done Catjam! Telling someone is the hardest step, just keep going now moving forward.

[Catjam]

I spoke to a lady from the support group yesterday. Some of the questions asked were pretty tough but I promised myself I would answer honestly. She confirmed my marriage was abusive, she laid out my options. I have agreed to speak to someone for counselling. They also run a group for the men but he has to acknowledge that there is an issue. His boss sent him to guy who would determine if my husband was the reason they were losing staff. My husband got a glowing report and he came home and bragged about how easy it had been to manipulate the expert.
I also thought I would feel better for reaching out but I don’t, if anything I feel so much worse. What if he finds out I betrayed him? So tired and overwhelmed xx

[stepping stone]

Chatham, well done for stepping out. Your husband will eventually slop up you can’t pretend to be nice 24/7. You just keep telling yourself, how amazing you are and keep exercising it’s good for the mind and body.

[Author]

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