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    • #18152
      Starmoon
      Participant

      It’s my birthday next week and this weekend we are ‘supposed’ to have big plans and leaving the house… An hour ago.
      He’s not living here and called last night to arrange the time. After another confusing conversation and argument over the time and him telling me all the usual stuff about how I have an inability to communicate and how any other woman would be greatful for what he’s doing for me… How any other normal partner wouldn’t do what I do… I decided to stand my ground. I’ve said that the argument was not needed and even if it was a mere misunderstanding- I didn’t deserve him saying the above. This morning he’s basically said we will have to agree to disagree or we aren’t going and it’s my choice. I’ve replied by saying I want my feelings aknowlaged. It’s the first time I’ve pushed for this because by now I’d normally be groveling. But I want to enjoy the weekend without feeling like I’ve lost yet another part of me.
      I know that the result is going to be him saying I’m out of order and he will cancel the weekends plans…. So I will inevitably be upset but I can’t keep doing this

    • #18153
      Serenity
      Participant

      Well done.

      You’ve described it perfectly- swallowing our true thoughts and feelings and giving in to their irrationality is like ‘losing part of yourself.’ It’s denying the truth and denying our own perceptions.

      I think you are getting stronger. X

    • #18154
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Well his phone has been switched off so I hiss that answers that one

      • #18156
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Can you do something lovely for your birthday without him? I hope so. Much love x

    • #18155
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Good for you πŸ™‚ You should feel so proud.
      It will get easier πŸ™‚ the starting point for me was standing up for myself in precisely this kind of situation, which he didn’t like at all (has to have control of everything). The more I did it, the better I got at it.
      A ‘normal woman’ with healthy self esteem wouldn’t go anywhere near a man like this. Our self esteem isn’t healthy, that’s why we take the s**t, but we can rebuild it. One day at a time.
      Take very good care of you x

    • #18157
      godschild
      Participant

      Good that you are standing your ground, Im trying to do that as well, they don’t like it at all, they have to call all of the shots.
      Im speaking out against his abuse and her just belittles me an shouts me down.
      Was feeling stronger but ;last night he really upset me and I just went to bed early and felt like staying there all weekend but im up and trying not to let him get to me.
      They cannot have a normal conversation they tell us we are not normal but truth is its them that live in a different reality.
      I get that what he does other Women would be grateful etc etc , that he is a good Husband and other people can see that, of course they do he puts on such a false persona outside the home.
      I was really hoping got try to get out in the countryside this weekend, but im paying the price for not putting up with him so have had the silent treatment and awkwardness.
      I cannot go out alone but you can, so I would call his bluff and say OK , I will do something special without you and carry it put then he will see you mean it and it puts you back in control not him, that will really annoy him, but you will be standing your ground, whatever you do hope you have a good weekend xx

    • #18159

      I have just the same problem today, one of our children’s birthday, he has already mucked it up, turned one child against me etc.
      I told him I am not putting up with his attitude, his warped values, his extreme vexation and his gaslighting so poopoo to him.
      Kids getting ready, boyfriend included, and off to go shopping, yeahhhhh!!!! Coffees and cakes are on me, happy time for all except for Warped Plonker!
      I won! I am stronger and I refuse to be codependent!
      Poo to his insanity!

      Please treat yourself, take care of yourself, enjoy yourself and dont let negative thoughts or doubts or anxieties ruin your day, I am singing to you right now Happy Birthday to you!

      • #18166
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Love your style, Bridget πŸ™‚

      • #18173

        Thank you Swallow, I will love it if Starmoon tells us she did something really nice and had a good time 😊

        And yes this morning during my opinion voicing to him, I blooming well won, he was gobsmacked! Pure logic, undeniable truths and strength by the shovel load!!!!

        Then my kids, the boyfriend and I went out, had a great time and my son is happy, new clothes, new game and fantastic meal!!!

        God I love myself today!!!

        Starmoon, show independence of character if you can safely do so, abusers hate it, and say absolutely nothing…it winds them up!

        This week at Al-Anon, I learned about detachment…

      • #18246
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        And I hope you love yourself everyday, Bridget, because you rock πŸ™‚ x

    • #18161
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Oh godschild I wish there was ways we could all support each other more and be there to help so you didn’t need to rely on him to go out.
      It’s vile that he has that control over you. Well done for standing up for yourself. It takes a lott of thought to proses things and work out what’s really rite.
      Would you believe he actually called and said sorry for saying those things?!

      • #18162
        Starmoon
        Participant

        Thank you so much for singing. I feel like I have really friends here- what a lift 😍. And so lovely to hear you so positive. Enjoy your day xx

    • #18163
      godschild
      Participant

      Yes I wish that we could be more suppotive and actually see each other, or talk to each other.I only have a phone call from womens aid once afornight now and its just not enough, they say call the helpline in between but you can never get through. He has reduced meto tears yet again by mocking me and rolling his eyes and shouting me down, denying all i say about his behavoir.
      I wanted to go out last night for a ride in the countryside and he went mad saying how much the fuel would cost really not an issue in reality, he had really exagerated the cost as ever and i checked on route planner and it was less than he had said so then he belittles me for presenting the truth,always has, he is unteachable and knows it all, when i prove him wrong he mocks and asks why I have bothered to prove it, they can never be wrong glad yours has aplogised , hope it all goes well

    • #18165
      KIP.
      Participant

      Star moon, I’m sorry if I’m mixing you up but did he not spit in your face? Please please don’t allow his abuse to continue. You do not need that in your life x I’m sure you went no contact for a while. Try to begin again. I know how hard it is but you deserve better x

    • #18187
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI hUn

      Well done for acknowledging your feelings and getting him to acknowledge them I would personally say to him u prefer to go out on your b day without him, his only gonna find ways to ruin it for u and his still saying u need to accept his abuse indirectly

    • #18238
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Yes, he did spit in my face and last night was arrested for assaulting me… 😒

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