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    • #11903
      kitty
      Participant

      I left him a while ago. However he is still trying to control me. He rented out our house without my permission. He refuses to give me any money, has got into mortgage arears, wont put me onto tenancy agreement, wont let me have access to the financial info. Basically he is bullying me and trying to control me from afar. I suspect he has spent the rental income.
      I have contacted a domestic abuse solicitor as I believe that his behaviour is a continuation of the abuse, and I need to move on. He was never charged with domestic abuse

    • #11906
      KIP.
      Participant

      Well done for contacting a solicitor. You must separate yourself financially. I learned a hard lesson. Did you tell anyone about the abuse? Perhaps a friend could do a statement if needed? Mine is the same. I will only communicate through my solicitor x

    • #11908
      kitty
      Participant

      Hi, social services are aware of the abuse, and my ex admitted it in family court. Also, my counseller is aware too.

    • #11909
      KIP.
      Participant

      That’s good. You probably know already but keep all texts, emails, letters etc. And it’s going to be an uphill battle. Even though you’re apart, they still make things as difficult as they can. I was shocked to discover my ex had hidden tens of thousands from me. They abuse on all levels. Take as much help,as you can. Log everythingđź‘Ť Stay strong

    • #11911
      kitty
      Participant

      The mortgage company require both signatures, and a hefty fee to give permission to rent out. So he’s in for a shock soon. I have a text from him telling me he has their permission – lies. I have an email from the lender telling me he doesn’t. Is it wrong that I’m enjoying this? I just feel so in charge…….its odd

    • #11918
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Kitty,

      I can sympathise, as my ex is a mammoth financial controller and abuser.

      He controlled all big finances when we were together, left me out of important decisions, bought land behind my back, stashed money away abroad, tried to limit my earnings and my income by trying to prevent me from studying and achieving, took half of my income and made me use the rest to buy food etc children’s things etc, and food to feed his greedy gut, then when we separated and I began divorce proceedings, he ended up threatening g to ransack the house, leave the kids and I penniless, accused me of what he was guilty of with finances, overpayed on one mortgage so there was no money to pay the other mortgage, he kept the tenants’ deposit for himself without repaying it to them so I had to out of my own pocket ( credit card), left masses of unpaid bills, which he had put in my name without me knowing, and has tried to get me to give him my child benefit so that he can claim all the tax credits and leave me destitute, even though he doesn’t see one child at all and sees the other only a quarter of the time, when he isn’t swanning off abroad.

      He lied and is lying about his income, and is basically a psychopath and control freak.

      He is amazing with numbers, whereas I am not, and is very cunning and astute, whereas I was naive and my brain was slowed down into fog by a stress related illness I got because of him.

      Nevertheless, I got a non-mol against him due to domestic abuse, though I had never reported it before, and though done of this was due to physical force on his part, it was majorly due to his dreadful mental and emotional and financial abuse. I used all the evidence I had, including threatening texts, to secure an injunction.

      This led to me being offered legal aid, and so I could afford to take the rat to court over money. He is an expert charmer and liar, but my evidence was too concrete, which included a witness actually turning up at court for me on the day.

      The abusive, arrogant and despotic bully lost the house, and I was thankfully able to borrow from my mum to pay him off a sum so I could keep the house and get rid of the bully.

      Even if I hadn’t been able to pay him off, I would have sold up and my freedom would have been worth a million pounds.

      What I am saying is, these bullies try to frighten us and taunt us to make us feel weak, scared and like we can’t stand up to them. But that is just the lie they tell us. Like all women here, you sound very clued up and intelligent and are able to fight him to come out the other side and protect your rights.

      Though I think the justice system has a lot of improving to do as regards children and sentencing abusers, the financial courts in my experience are very fair, and with as much hard evidence as you can muster, they won’t allow the bully to take everything.

      X*x

    • #11919
      Serenity
      Participant

      PS

      It’s not wrong that you’re enjoying this. You’ve got fire in your belly! You are fighting back!

      I don’t know where I got my strength from in order to go through court, but I did. I was full of adrenaline.

      It’s because you suddenly realise how you’ve been duped all those years and taken advantage of, you see them for what they are, and you want to teach them a moral lesson and to flatten their ego, get your power back which he thought he had completely taken, and stand up for your rights.

      As my friend put it, the strangulating narcissistic w**d thought he’d killed you and blotted out all the sunlight so you’d shrivelled up: he didn’t realise there was a little green shoot there, striving towards the sunlight, waiting to grow into a beautiful strong plant!

    • #11920
      kitty
      Participant

      Serenity, I have fibromyalgia that started when I was with him, suspect he caused it with all of the mental torture, wish I could prove it!

    • #11925
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Hi Kitty, I have fibromyalgia too, that started long time ago because of my hard childhood and the ex abuser made it worse.
      I would say, give it to him. Deal with him, make him homeless, lay into him as much as you can.
      Wow, what advice is that? Hahaha! He deserves it and I hope you enjoy it. x*x

    • #11927
      Serenity
      Participant

      Ditto: fibromyalgia! I think because of my childhood plus marriage x

    • #11928
      kitty
      Participant

      wow, it must be common for abuse victims to have fibro.

    • #11934
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Yes it is. Also high blood pressure and PTSD. When abuse is endured for a prolonged time the life expectancy is reduced as our hormones are deranged and that impacts on the immune defenses for the rest of our lives. There is a link to cancer too….
      I have researched this for myself in order to get the right alternative herbal medications to counteract the longterm effects.

    • #11937
      kitty
      Participant

      If he admitted to being abusive at the family court and there is written evidence of this would I qualify for legal aid to break free of him financially?

    • #11938
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Not sure whether there is legal aid for a financial order but you can try.
      The form is 27 pages to fill in and the order costs around ÂŁ 150 when you do it on your own.
      I did it on my own, just googled everything and collected legal advice.
      There is space in the form to write and I wrote that I suffered from domestic abuse and that he was found guilty in the criminal court.

    • #11941
      kitty
      Participant

      Do you remember the name of the form?

    • #11948
      Serenity
      Participant

      Try calling the NCDV ( National Centre for Domestic Violence ) on
      0800 970 2070

      for help – they helped me get an injunction, but may also be able to advise or direct you to where you can get information about legal aid etc.

      I got legal aid on account of getting an injunction- but I git an injunction based on many factors, including mental abuse.

    • #11966
      Ayanna
      Participant

      This is the government web page where you can find the form and information around it: https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/apply-for-a-financial-order
      Make yourself familiar with everything and get free legal advice before you dig into it.

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