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This topic contains 9 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Apricotpoppy 7 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #69198
     Coach 
    Participant

    Does anyone else take out their anger against him on themself? I have been awake for hours while he snores away (I’m in the bathroom now) and I have no family or friends left to share with (lost touch with so many people because of the overwhelming effect of this marriage). I get so angry I want to hit myself really hard and that’s very scary. Sorry an being self pitying again _ I used to be such a strong person and for years now I’ve been a nobody. This makes me so angry but I’m too old to get my life back.

  • #69199
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Anger turned inwards leads to depression I was once told. It did for me. I ended an abusive marriage I was in for decades. There’s a thread on here for over 50s. It’s never too late to get your old life back. It makes me angry for you to read how you feel trapped. Abusers isolate us. Make us dependent on them. There were many nights I lay crying while he snored away. Like he didn’t have a care in the world while I contemplated suicide or simply hoped I wouldn’t wake up. Abusers are emotional vampires. They suck us dry and they thrive on it. I was so scared of being alone but I never felt so lonely as when I was with him. Yes I’m alone now but never feel lonely x

    • #69208
       Halfwayout 
      Participant

      For years I felt I was the only one like this, like you I had lost the family members I’d cared about and my friends, I put on the “happy families” face. The humiliation of what I’ve let happen still eats me up and it took a large number significant birthday celebration that he ruined to make me realise, no more, its never too late.
      Use this place to gain the knowledge, read everything to justify his actions and your feelings, it’s not self pity.
      I will say, I feel I have an army of family and friends behind me now all secretly willing us out.
      Later (detail removed by moderator) we will be spending time with my reunited family, hopefully we’ll get there incident free but I’m not holding my breath, I’m getting the vibe already.
      Think of future Christmases, have a safe one.

  • #69201
     Coach 
    Participant

    Thank you, KIP, that’s so kind of you (and on Christmas morning too). I completely agree and understand about you crying while he was snoring away. I’ve been there, hundreds of times over many years of marriage. Thank you for your support and I apologise for posting too much on tbis forum when I have only just joined. I’ll try to cut down the number of posts from now on – Christmas is a really, really bad time for me nowadays so I’ll try to be more rational once it’s all over. And not be so selfish because let’s face it, everyone on here has (or had) the same problem and some are in a far worse state than me.

    Ithink I typed my first post not really expecting any replies and now I’m in a funny state of being tearful because people are being kind to me.

  • #69205
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Please don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. I read the posts for a long time then posted many many times until I got a sense of what was happening to me. Many great women helped me through the early stages and it actually makes me feel positive if I can pass on any wisdom, the way those fantastic women did for me. I read everything I could in the beginning. I educated myself. Being traumatised shuts down the rational part of your brain. It goes into survival mode leaving very little room for rational thoughts. Depression and anxiety are also very common symptoms of abuse. Please know this is an anonymous safe supportive community. Most of us have been through what you’re experiencing as strangely they all use the same tactics. I’ve just had my salmon, scrambled eggs n my favourite coffee. It’s time to put me first. Something that was impossible for years. That domestic filter that everything went through. How will he react, what will he think, what are the repercussions for me and my son. No more of that. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Hang in there x

  • #69207
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Good morning Coach, post as often as you want, that’s what this forum is here for💜 there’s no one telling us what were doing is wrong,, that we’re taking up too much time, that’s his voice in your head making you think that. Kip’s right with the analogy of them being vampires, they do literally suck the life from us, don’t let him do that to you anymore. Taking that first step in posting on here, that’s your first step to getting free. Doesn’t matter how long it takes, you will get there. Age is just a number. I’m in my 50’s also, I dont want to be with him in 10 or 20 years time, but I might be, I might not be able to leave, and that’s okay, I’m starting to leave in my head, my body will do the same one day. We’ve all lady beside our oh, wide awake, while they snore theur heads of as if they’ve not got a care in the world. The times ive wanted to smother him had scared me.
    I understand why you’re so angry with yourself, I’m the same. I’m taking it out on my dogs more, I shout at them, push them away, then they look at me and I’m a wreck, bawling my eyes out and they’re there for me, cuddling me, licking me. They know how much I’m hurting, they’re hurting to, because he is getting violent towards then too.
    Iwas clearing stuff away, I’m goung that more and more now, and I accidentally broke some dishes. 🤣🤣 I collected the bits, some were still whole but chipped, I took them outside and smashed them into the bin, it felt good.
    I tried to cut myself, to get the pain out but that was only a few times, it was not my way to deal with it. It hurts too much. I’ve tried to od,a lot of times, but do you know, it’s not me I want dead, it’s the relationship. It’s not even him I want dead, though ive been dreaming of it a few times now to. It doesn’t scare me, I know psychologically its my brains way of killing our relationship. The anger to him gets turned inside as he wants lady us have a voice, but it will lead to depression. That’s just him winning, getting us to be the mad, bag lady. 😡 it doesn’t matter what type of DA we are going through, yes some women have it a lot worse, so much worse, but ours is just as bad emotionally and psychologically as theirs, the abuser treats us all the same way, just some go that step further in their abuse which ends in violence.
    We are ALWAYS here for each other. The initial stages when we’re posting on here are the hardest because we’ve finally admitted to ourselves what he is. You’ll get stronger @coach, I promise you will. If really had to be baby steps fir many of us. This isn’t a normal relationship in that you can just say, this isn’t working, I’m out.
    Take strength in knowing that many of us are doing exactly what you are doing, going through the motions. We do what we do to survive.
    Sending love and blessings to you my #Suffragette sister💜

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69236
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Hi, I can totally empathise. I’m, ‘of an age’ too. However I’m now determined that I’ll be a happy old lady who smiles when she wants to, without worrying that I’ll get accused of smiling because I’m thinking of something terrible. (An affair or worse).

    I may never get my old life back, however I’m going to create a brand new peaceful and content one. I’ve actually taken up a hobby the last few weeks. Something indoors as yet, but it gives me a sense of well being that I’m doing something that’s mine.

    I’m glad you found your way here, there’s so much wonderful support.

  • #69281
     Coach 
    Participant

    Thank you so much, IWMB and ER. I can’t explain how much it means to get replies to what I think of as my self-pitying rambling. It also helps to read other women’s messages, although it makes me cry to read what other people are going through, especially if they have young children.

    Somebody said the early days of posting here are the most difficult as it means you’re finally really admitting to yourself what has happened to the marriage. Despite me thinking the marriage was over long ago, I think it’s true that coming on here and reading posts about gaslighting that are so, so like mine has made me confront it and accept it in my head and that’s horrible. He is so plausible and has an answer for everything and for years and years I’ve been in a FOG spiral and the only way I could deal with my life was to tell myself things weren’t so bad. So I suppose it’s a bit like having a terminal illness and telling yourself the doctors have got it wrong, you only have flu and you’ll be fine next week. Then something makes you suddenly believe the reality and you go to pieces because you can’t dent it. (I truly apologise to anyone who thinks I’m saying my situation is worse than termunal illness – of course it’s not, I have lost several dear friends to cancer – one in her twrnties – and I am still furious on her behalf for all the living they lost.)

  • #69283
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Google cognitive dissonance. It might help you understand why we find it hard to accept we are being abused. Our brain would rather live in denial to protect us from the awful truth x

  • #69293
     Apricotpoppy 
    Participant

    Hi Coach , dont worry post as much as you need to. I used to only read posts for months and cried buckets of tears of realisation and grief and sadness. I realised no matter what I do he will never change and I had to get us out. I couldn’t speak about it without sobbing.
    Then I started overthinking every possible scenario to try and make the right decision. Thats when I started posting and getting good advice. It is all part of a process.
    You are never to old to be free and ince you start reaching out you may still have friends and family to reconnect with.
    Do you have a WA worker to support you?
    All the best x

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