22nd July 2020 at 12:58 pm #110740
Hi I’ve posted a few times on here before. Have realised that my husband is abusive, although still can’t get the idea it might be fault out of my head. Initially I would have said that he was just emotionally abusing but actually there are lots of physical abuse too, but it is always dismissed as not really high level just things like being grabbed round throat, slapped, kicked, jabbed in face, pushed, spat at and obstructed when trying to get out of way. He constantly accuses me of cheating but I don’t go out only to work; says I’ve robbed him by working part time when kids were younger and says I’ve taken his things or been through them, all of which I deny but then he calls me a liar and says that’s why I can’t be trusted, has a go about cleaning things but not to his standard, shopping- too much food not enough food, the list goes on.
We own a house joint mortgage but he says I’m entitled to nothing and have (detail removed by moderator) to move out.
He constantly threatens to: lose me my job, put pictures of me on web and tell everyone I shouldn’t be allowed near children as I’m mental. I’m on (detail removed by moderator) holiday now while he is actually at work (only works about (detail removed by moderator) a year usually).
Even though I’m here alone I’m too afraid to go anywhere or have friends/family round as he has a security camera which is trained on my car and he listens in on the microphone to see what is going in the house.
I know I have to leave but cannot make that step to organise anything. I’ve looked at rentals but too scared to enquire in case they phone me back when he’s there, all of the bills come out of my bank so wouldn’t be able to just up and leave but would be too frightened to tell him I’m going (if ever I get a backbone to), am confused about the whole divorce thing- can I file for divorce and then sort out financial stuff or do I have to do it all at same time. Too frightened to phone a solicitor in case he overheard on stupid camera. Really don’t want to go down the police route, haven’t found them helpful in past and am too scared to give a statement.
My anxiety is through the roof, spending the whole day cleaning things and then listing what time I’ve done what to account for my time- it’s pathetic, he’s not even in the house.I don’t even recognise myself any more. I feel like a huge baby that someone needs to hold their hand to go through this. How do you find the strength to actually leave and go through with it?
22nd July 2020 at 1:59 pm #110746
Oh Scapegoat…..that is awful abuse!
You do have entitlement, don’t listen to him…..he’s talking rubbish (which is what they do…constantly!)
I appreciate that phoning someone from home feels unsafe…..have you tried calling help from Boots? Or chatted to the support line on here? And there is always the option of going to a refuge and sorting everything out from a safe distance.
I told a health professional (a nurse) and she was amazing. You mention the police being useless…..was that the special DA team? I never contacted the police but others on here speak very positively of the police DA team.
Keep posting so we know you’re ok x
22nd July 2020 at 2:12 pm #110747
P.S – Don’t be hard on yourself about the leaving thing. It took me several months from me realising I couldn’t stay in the relationship to finally gathering my skirts and running for the hills (and there’d been quite a few practice runs over the years before I eventually got out.)
My strongest advise is don’t worry about material stuff, build yourself a support system with different gifts……trusted family/friends who’ll check on you and have a coffee with you; your GP for physical and mental health support; DA support worker to help you navigate your way and be your advocate; mental health charities to help you when you hit the low times and need a hand held whilst you fall apart. Materially you can start again but you need that support system to be able to start living again.
22nd July 2020 at 2:16 pm #110748
I feel it’s only minor as know some women put up with absolutely horrific abuse. Yes it was DA team they just told me I had to get out of the house While they held him…which I did then stupidly went back the next day to talk things through as his mother insisted I owed him that, everything got turned around and well been here ever since that day (detail removed by moderator).
I know he would be very angry if I left without telling him and I kind of feel obliged to but wouldn’t dare. If he pays me back now for not shutting a drawer properly hows he going to be paying me back for leaving him?!
I’m not afraid of him physically as used to it now but the mental/emotional thing is taking over my life. I went to counselling before Christmas but had to stop as he started accusing me of going somewhere else and having an affair, it just made me more anxious in the end.
Now I know I’m a drain, I can’t think ahead, feel like I’m in limbo and really would prefer just to go to sleep and not wake up. I can’t cope with the panic attacks, flashbacks and fear.
He makes up all of this s**t about which is untrue but he says it in a way that it sounds true, if that makes sense.
I can’t go to Boots as he would see my car gone and to be honest the only thing stopping me is me. I just cannot pluck up the courage to sort it all out, it’s pathetic and I feel even more useless and unworthy.
22nd July 2020 at 7:14 pm #110774
The abuse you are experiencing isn’t minor. For you to feel that to do the final sleep is a welcome release is your mind screaming at you to save yourself.
I too was where you are and it’s scary and lonely and you feel hopeless but you’re not!! You’re absolutely right that it is you that holds the key. Once you realise that those shackles aren’t made of iron but water, you can shake them off!
Think of your babies, to go to sleep would leave them without you and you are the most important thing in the world to them.
You have got the strength inside you.
Those that helped you the last time will help again. They know and understand the psychology of abuse and the enormous will power it takes to leave.
Please don’t give up honey x
22nd July 2020 at 8:40 pm #110788TurtledoveParticipant
This is horrendous abuse Scapegoat, the physical side is serious too, kicking and grabbing you by the throat are serious assaults. I think you should speak to someone at woman’s aid to see if they can help to put something in place, then when you get there you can sort all of the other stuff out. You can’t carry on living like this. It’s not okay. The security camera on the car is a massive step too far. He sounds like a very controlling aggressive bully,and these men won’t stop until they’re exposed and dealt with in a police station etc. I hope you can find a way out asap. Big hugs xx
22nd July 2020 at 9:20 pm #110803Emily1234Participant
I absolutely feel your worries. Your story is really similar to mine. Anyway its shocked how the abusers are the same.
Just an idea can you speak to your workplace, they can give you time off and you can meet with a local caseworker to make a plan for you.
I done this. I have met my caseworker during my working hours, and we’re trying to find a refuge for me.
Have you read the Healing from hidden abuse by Shannon Thomas? It’s a really good start to know better yourself and understand your feelings!
I wish you the best!
23rd July 2020 at 12:31 pm #110846
Thank you for your kind messages. The problem is me, in that I’m too afraid to take that step.
Got woken up at midnight last night to be told -(detail removed by moderator) Think he was expecting me to go downstairs and beg forgiveness, but I drifted back off to sleep as now at point where I just literally black out as everything got too much.
I’m feeling a bit more assertive today, going to try and get some advice as know if I organise somewhere else to live, he will not do anything to sort out putting the house on the market and will sabotage anything to do with sale. Can I just leave and live somewhere else or do I have to file for divorce first? Sorry probably sounds v immature but I really don’t have a clue. This last month has really been an eye opener…am reading Lundy Bancroft Should I stay or should I go? Things are kind of just slotting into place and I feel like a complete mug.
Thank you ladies for all of your supportive messages.
23rd July 2020 at 1:56 pm #110859TurtledoveParticipant
Hi Scapegoat, I think you should just leave,thej sort all of the important things out. Being away from this monster is more important. In the past my abuser has done of said things to try and get me to react, but I never do. I think your abuser wants you to beg and plead with him to allow to stay. What you need to do is pack a bag and just go. No explanation, stay calm and collective if you happen to be around him. I can guarantee he’ll be calling etc within the hour, but you need to block calls and texts! It seems very harsh and hard, I know, but this really is the only way to deal with ‘men’ like this.
You will feel a mixture of emotions when you leave, but you can face them all in your own time. The main thing is you are not alone in this. And eventually you will be properly living life for you again and you’ll see yourself start to grow and be the person you used to be. The main thing is getting away from this man. He sounds awful hun and reminds me of somebody else! Hugsxx
23rd July 2020 at 1:17 pm #110853LifebeginsParticipant
Hi Scapegoat, your abuse sounds very very similar to mine. I wasn’t planning to leave when I did; an incident happened and I had no choice.
I too didn’t think the abuse was too bad but now I’m out of it and talking about it, it was absolutely shocking. But you live it for so long you become desensitised to it.
No you don’t need to start divorce proceedings until after you leave. I think it’s important to leave safely and not give him any inkling that you’re going as the violence/abuse could escalate then. Do you have somewhere in mind to go to? Or do you want to stay in your home and he goes? There are options available. You could get a non-molestation order and an occupation order. Try and speak or do the online chat with Women’s Aid as they can talk through your options. Possibly in your lunch break? Or ask to take a couple of hours off?
There is also a good website Rights of Women that I got lots of info from. And asked lots of questions on this forum.
Don’t listen to family. They can not comprehend what you’re being subjected to. You owe him nothing.
Keep strong and keep educating yourself. You will see there are ways out xx
23rd July 2020 at 1:36 pm #110857
Hi lifebegins, I know that if a friend was telling me this I would think it’s horrendous but of course I think because it’s me I can tolerate it ( but I can’t anymore).
Have thought about trying to raise the money to buy him out but know he would just take the money and then try to wheedle his way back in. Have thought about renting somewhere but am worried he’ll find out where it is and continue to harass me. Just worried if I leave with nothing in place I will have to have contact with him to discuss this as he’s very much a “I will ignore it if I want and it will go away” kind of bloke. He doesn’t organise anything as I do it all so don’t think he’d even know where to start. Not that that is my problem. Am sure his mother will help and also encourage him to take me for what he can as he’s such a victim. The best of it is that his parents know full well what he is like as been subjected to violence from him in the past but they soak up every lie he says about me and I know they would not want him living with them!
Thanks for the tip about Rights of Women I will have a look. Need to sort myself out and kind of glad he’s the one to say I must leave and if it were the other way round it would just turn into WW3!
23rd July 2020 at 2:16 pm #110861MimosaParticipant
This reads like my life, the shoving, spitting in my face (it’s actually classed as assault), constant criticism, monitoring and nothing good enough. Do they get a manual for this stuff, because I had the same treatment? He wont change so you have to make that move. I never thought I could do it but I did and you can too. He may hurt your children like we experienced which was my catalyst for getting out, but being in a toxic environment is damaging in itself. Even now after time in prison and a restraining order for many years being put in place he is telling people I set him up and he isn’t that bad. They justify their behaviour by keeping up the narrative. Unfortunately or him I have audio recordings which evidenced his behaviour to the police, CPS and court and CAFCASS. We both know the truth, he is just denying it still. It will be difficult but you can do it. You deserve so much more from your own life. They very rarely change, I spent over (detail removed by moderator) trying to be perfect for him, compromising my existence and our children’s. The damage they cause is immense. You will never achieve what he wants because it will change as soon as you do or he’ll add another rule or requirement.
Noone should scare you or harm you. You can do this but get all the advice help you can to keep safe and plan
‘It always seems impossible until it’s done’. Nelson Mandela
23rd July 2020 at 2:36 pm #110863
Hi Mimosa, I really don’t want to involve the police, I don’t want him punished as I feel he would manipulate everyone and turn it round anyway and get even angrier if that’s possible. I have audio recordings ( about 500) but this is more to convince myself I’m not going mad as he makes up things about who started what and what I said.
I have just emailed a solicitor to ask for advice, I couldn’t phone in case he was listening in. I feel sick now but it’s done.
Next step to decide where I am going to go and how I’m going about it. I will probably back track and end up going nowhere but I will try and remain focused. I just worry I’m being a drama queen and things aren’t really that bad. Deep down I know they are though. If only he would meet someone else, not much chance as never goes anywhere just gets stoned every night. I think I’ve got past the it’s not fair bit, thigh it isn’t. He gets to treat me like s*** work when he wants which is not v often and can apparently just chuck me out when he’s finished with me. Then to add further insult he can claim half my savings which I’ve been squirrelling away to get away and my Nan gave me some money he doesn’t know about. Then I feel devious about hiding this and worry I’ll get hauled out by a solicitor. Very confusing time. Thank you for your support.
24th July 2020 at 9:30 am #110911
Well I’m back to square this morning. The explosion arrived (detail removed by moderator) of silent treatment. My heads a mess, I can’t even be bothered anymore. Had to listen to him telling me how hard he’s tried, how he’s only possessive and accusing because I shout or overtalk him, simply isn’t true. Trying to say I’ve hurt him, when I haven’t but he hit me total of (detail removed by moderator). When I asked him about his behaviour he said he didn’t see it as physical or threatening so when I asked him if I (detail removed by moderator), pushed him, grabbed him under arms, slapped him, (detail removed by moderator), grabbed by throat, spat at him, kicked him, pushed him over, threw something at him- would he find itabusive he said yes…but.
I tried to be calm, tried to explain I couldn’t live
this way anymore ( accused then of having someone else) reminded him of some of the threats he’s made to me like losing my job. He turned around and said oh I won’t do that unless you try and leave me then you’ll find out what I’m really like. Can’t do this anymore, why can’t he be grown up and accept it’s over. I really feel like it is TIL death us do part. Felt so motivated yesterday, now I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. Just can’t see the point anymore.
25th July 2020 at 9:18 pm #111009iliketeaParticipant
@Scapegoat, sorry looks like your post got missed, how are you doing? You’re experiencing horrendous abuse. Could you go to your GP and tell them? Get a referral to a local domestic abuse service, or you can self refer. I GP referral will speed it up. If you feel you can’t say it to your GP, tell them you are suffering from crippling anxiety and tell them about the cleaning. It will be a red flag, they are trained to spot domestic abuse, they will call it. Mine did. Before I even knew.
Once they realise their power and control is slipping they act like all bullies and try and tighten it, so be really careful now. I had an IDVA and that was the first advice she gave me. Don’t try and talk to him about it anymore, don’t try and tell him you know what it is. It will give them tools, I know it sounds bizarre and paranoid, but it is true. They start then to accuse you of abuse, for reacting, for retaliating, for snapping once, I’ve had it all. It is insidious, disgusting and scary to be living with. Have you had a chance to read any books suggested? Healing from Hidden Abuse is good, or Why Does he Do That, this is good and you will see what category your husband will fit in to. Ive bumped a post for women new to the forum in case some of the other threads can help. They get lost in the multitude of posts every day but there have been some really useful informative posts from women on here who are long out and are really experienced, some work in the field, some know their stuff inside out and we are really lucky having them supporting us here. That’s what finally helped me get out and leave.
Sending you love and strength if that doesn’t sound weird, I feel you need it. GP next stop? Or the live chat here on Womans Aid? small steps, baby steps thats all it takes, get knowledgable about it first, build a strong network of support around you (GP, professionals, counsellors, school if you have kids, nursery, child minders, solicitor advice, trusted friends, work) then you can start thinking about leaving. Once you have regained strength and your sense of self again. No need to feel like it all has to be done at once, it doesn’t. Its better to be safe. Better to feel strong. Better to be informed. Better to know. Better to feel like you again, little by little, it will come back. I promise. Just small steps. Download one of the books on audible, listen to one chapter. Covert Passive Aggressive N********t is another really good one. From what you have written I think that will ring true for your situation.
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