Talking about my ptsd….

[Learningtobloom]

My therapist suggested I use forms to talk about my PTSD, so here it goes.

About my situation

1) I left an (removed by moderator)year abusive relationship (removed by moderator) months ago.
2) I consciously didn’t know I was in an abusive relationship until 6 months ago.
3) at first I thought it was just emotional abuse but actually there was some physical abuse (but it was ‘ subtle‘)
4) no children, I own half a flat with my ex, I was the bread winner and my friends and family loved him

My ptsd:

Do others experience these types of things

1) emotional flash backs? Feeling triggered by some ignoring you or something you ex use to do to punish you.
2) realising things you thought were ‘normal’ were control… even small things.. like my ex would never ever let me watch the news
3) the emotional flash backs and realisations causing Panic attacks?
4) struggling to connect with others, just disassociating from them?
5) thinking you made it all up?
6) worrying that you were the abusive one/ n********t?
7) having nightmares about your ex and waking up in a panic attack and then scared to sleep
8) feeling like you are a burden because you see the pressure your situation puts on your support network and that it hurts them too?

I ask myself, how do I have ptsd. The abusive was never violent like the movies or obvious like it sounds when you read about it. It was normal, it was just quirks of my partner, it was my reality… so never felt like trauma.

[Eyesopening]

Hi Learningtobloom, lovely name.
This is a great idea.
I left months ago, I never actually realized what emotional flash backs where until recently.

My PTSD:

1) emotional flash backs – Getting triggered by little things
2) Slowly realising what were my ex’s abusive tactics
3) the emotional flash backs and realisations causing anxiety, sadness, regret
4) struggling to connect with myself
5) thinking it wasn’t so bad, remembering only the good times
6) worrying that my ex was not abusive and It was all because of me being too sensitive
7) having constant dreams about my ex and waking up feeling like i am emotionally back to square one
8) I don’t really think about other people, my head space seems kind of small to really expand to others at the moment.
9) Hypervigilance – analyzing behaviors of other and thinking ‘are they abusive?’

But these are all getting better with time and understanding. I feel like it’s just a journey we have to go through to heal. It takes time for our minds to disentangle what went on. To finally feel safe again.

Take good care of yourself
xx

[Elderberry]

Hi Learningtobloom,

Thank you for posting this. I recognise the symptoms that you and Eyesopening have listed and it has made me realise where I am at the moment. I keep thinking this is me just being over sensitive and over reacting but I have dreams about it and have a physical reaction now when arguments start. I start to feel sick, heart racing. I have the same issues with feeling like I’ve made it all up as well.

I’m the same in that the abuse has been emotional but I’ve just put it down to the quirks of my husband and tried to understand it but I think it has damaged me. My daughter has been subjected to it to. She struggles to control her emotions and can lash out quickly. My husband then blames her and says she’s not nice to him. It’s a vicious circle.

I’m still in the relationship. We’ve been together for a long time. It’s up and down all the time. Going from one extreme to the other with him being really nice and trying then turning on us but I worry that I am causing the problems now because I feel like this and feel quite distant.

Thank you again for posting. You’ve really made me think about this.

[Neverthoughtitwouldbeme]

Thank you for posting this and for everyone’s replies. I have been thinking about this post for a few days now as I feel like I could’ve written it all myself.

Here are a few things I struggle with –

1) Bad dreams, very vivid dreams of him doing awful things to me, usually resulting in me dying. I wake up in a panic then realise I’m safe but it is usually in my head all day.

2) Getting used to ‘normal’ things, doing things I never used to be able to do, understanding that not everyone is out to abuse me.

3) Realisation that he is a monster and did some truly awful things to me. We were in a long-term relationship so grew up together so it is hard to see him as the person he truly is.

4) Seeing my dog cower at things, sometimes growl at men if he feels fearful but also seeing the progress he has made since we left. I always thought he had a food regression issue, turns out he is absolutely fine. It was my ex who used to tower over him and corner him then do awful things to him whilst he was eating. It makes me so sad to think of it now.

5) I still do things and avoid certain things in order to keep me safe. I would never be phased before him but now I just want to be safe. It is the most important thing to me and I comment on it a lot. I feel safe today or this is a safe area, I can go here and feel safe etc.

6) It is cold and my fingers ache from when he broke them. I always have gloves with me to avoid this as best as I can to avoid the flashbacks.

7) I am not as loving as I once was or as trusting. I notice it every day but cannot control it. I am hoping it will get easier/better.

Sending love and strength to anyone who needs it today.

We will get there one day x

[Author]

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