Talking is hard I feel like I’m defending myself

[Thesoundofrain]

It’s been (removed by moderator) now since he stopped talking to me in our own house with (removed by moderator) children daughters he ignores me like I’m dead you’d think I’d be climbing the walls but it isn’t the first time he uses ignoring me as punishment it’s happened many times before – the reason this time is because I had had enough of him talking to me like a piece of trash and I shouted ‘no more no more ‘ he grabbed me by my coat collars and tried to push me over – I pushed him back he was mad , and if we weren’t in a public place he would have used the fist his was clenching – he’s never punched me but his narc behaviour had escalated as he has got older – my problem is I’m trying to get out but I’m finding it difficult to talk to those that are supposed to help – I’ve been spoke down down to and treated like a moron nothing for so long there are certain tones and words I find triggering – I spoke to one DV worker who I was going to hang up on as I felt like I was being grilled – firing questions after questions – I thought you could tell your story snd be believed- I felt like I needed to have been worse off – I felt my defence go up ! Also I read youre better moving out of your area I tried to contact 2 out of my area and was told no because not in the area – my brain and my mind is pulped I’m losing my s**t I’m so angry and frustrated- as usual he controls everything monetary wise and uses our youngest daughter as his go between if needed be – he makes me sick – I hate him – but I’m so weak in my mind I’m ground down – how did you ladies gather strength to do this I feel I’m institutionalised by him that I’m a bad person a bad mother a silly woman – no money no opinion… and so much more ..

[Hereforhelp]

I didn’t want to not comment as your post resonated with me. So sorry to hear how badly your partner is treating you, it must be incredibly hard, especially as he abusive infrony of your daughters, no matter their age.
You are not silly, you do not deserve any of this and I am so sorry that so far you haven’t had the support you reached out for.
I contacted CAB, in my area they have a project to help victims of DA. I sent them an email outlining some of my husbands behaviours and asked if they could help. Also, have you spoken to the police, if it is safe pls do make an appointment as they will listen and help.
Please keep posting as you are not alone, so many of us have been or are where you are and feeling similar ❤

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi thanks for replying I’ve not thought of contacting cab and no I haven’t told the police anything – I did get a free 45 minutes with a very helpful solicitor she advised me do to his own triggers I’m not in the right mental state to put up with his behaviour if I try and divorce from under same roof – I have no family or friends that I can go to I don’t work or have savings – so I’m looking At refuges but I can’t get the info without referring myself and that’s like a massive thing for me – I hate sounding like a victim like I’ve given every ounce of my being away and when I speak to people I’m struggling getting my … full story across – my mother was beaten by my father that to me is abuse so I feel like I’m not been taken seriously it’s an awful feeling – no life

[Wants To Help]

Hi thesoundofrain,

This sounds so awful for you and I’m sorry to read that you have not found the support you need.

I’m not surprised at all that you are losing your s**t! The fact that you are feeling angry and frustrated does mean there is some fire and energy left in you, so that is a positive. When we get so weak and tired and apathetic and just give up altogether it is not good for us at all.

The treatment that you are getting from your abuser is one of the abuses that the services fail to see as severe. The police cannot prosecute someone for refusing to speak to their partner, and the ‘risk of immediate harm’ by someone refusing to speak to you does not prioritise someone for a refuge place. The emotional and psychological abuse of living with someone who refuses to acknowledge you exist is awful. It is one of the most powerful ways of undermining someone and dismissing them as unimportant. This is a very manipulative form of abuse that seems to escape accountability.

You are not a bad person, you are not a silly woman. These are all the lies he has told you time and time again to bring you down to a point where he can feel superior so that he can dominate and control you. Tell yourself “I am not bad” “I am not silly”. Think of things you have achieved or accomplished in your life to re-enforce this as your truth and own it.

Some local DA Support Services have weekly drop-in sessions where you can go without appointment for a coffee and a chat and they will have different speakers each week on different subjects around DA. Have a Google of services in your area and try and get to some of these. If you can do this on a regular basis to get some support and empowerment it will help your self confidence and self esteem. See if you can find out what rights you have regarding the house. Find out what benefits you can claim if you were to move out. Start taking back some control of your situation but don’t let him know you are doing so. Building up your own arsenal of information and contingency plans that he has no knowledge of will be your private matter and something he won’t have the power to criticise or take away from you.

I fled in a moment of panic and desperation. I found the strength to stay away for good after I’d left and that was by having the right people and DA support worker around me. Some of the professional agencies weren’t able to help me due to bureaucracy as I didn’t tick certain boxes to qualify for help, but then ordinary people who understood my situation stepped up and helped out. Keep on reaching out to people, keep on using your voice to be heard until you ARE heard. Don’t give up on getting help for yourself if at first it isn’t forthcoming. We have to find that inner strength, we have to keep on fighting for our right to have a life without abuse. We have to be innovative and creative with our ideas and find our own help when the professional services fail us.

If the thought of Christmas Day with him is so bad, how about reaching out to the charities that are providing Christmas Dinner at churches or village halls for the lonely, isolated and vulnerable people?
How about ringing some hotels and asking if they can do a discounted rate for someone trying to escape abuse over Christmas? You just never know, there may be a hotel somewhere that has a room paid for that has been cancelled by a guest with Covid fears, or a sympathetic hotel manager who has availability and will let you have somewhere for free. We never know who is prepared to help us until we ask the questions. I found help and support in the most unexpected of places, it was all about opening up and letting people know of the situation I was in.

xx

[KIP.]

Have you spoken to your GP. I have post traumatic stress disorder and it made me very paranoid and defensive.

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi KIP

I didn’t realise ptsd was a thing in relation to my behaviour until a friend pointed it out to me and I’m still struggling to feel I’d be believed- I s been to my gp many times over the years and spilled my guts they offered anti depressives ( not for me and I’ve told them that a few times ) and a form of counselling with a 12 month waiting list – I don’t want counselling though – I managed to have ‘therapy’ and it helped but the bottom line was …. I can’t ‘get better’ unless I separate myself from him – the best advice I’ve seen has been looking at those previously abused by narcs I feel the average person just doesn’t understand- but I’m struggling to separate myself as I don’t have the practical support … I’ll probably have to retreat now as every time I put myself ‘out there ‘ like make enquiries share my stuff on here I feel broke , I see my broken ness and feel worse .. I can understand why women zip it … it’s overwhelming.. thanks for the input kip 🙂

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi wants to help ,

Thank you for replying I’m trying to gather as much information as possible but I think I’m just mentally exhausted I’m not the woman I was , I’ve changed I’m really defensive and I don’t trust people not to use snarky words – I get triggered – he’s mouth has absolutely destroyed my sense of who I am and I’ve been gas lit that many times I’m extra vigilant- as a woman who has been involved in healing for a long time I pick up energy without the words too – so as much as he has blanked me for I think it’s 8 weeks now I can’t completely switch off from who he is – I have ‘developed?’ A fibro/ cfs condition that means when ever I try to raise my head above the parapet I become exhausted for a day or so – I’m in a catch 22 with no one to help me but me – and I’m feeling worn out – I’ll get there , I have too

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