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    • #148002
      Mellow
      Participant

      It’s not been long since separated children together.I’ve tried to limit contact but it’s been hard with child access he has been on his best behaviour even complimenting me which I’ve ignored.i don’t know who posted something before but they posted that when they collect kids they stand in door way half an hour well this very thing happened to me and I could feel the trauma bond.i was wondering if anyone else feels the trauma bond or if it’s just me it’s like when he’s in my presence and I know I should move away from him I have to move out the room because I know I shouldn’t be talking to him it’s almost like I force myself but my body is saying stay can anyone relate ?
      anyway the kids were getting upset cause he came to collect but was practically stood in doorway doing nothing when it went past 5 minute I got this wierd sence of being trauma bond and he was already bossing me about telling me to go somewhere while he was busy in the door way I proceeded to say he can do it elsewhere but he still waited a further 10 min when the kids were waiting I went to wait elsewhere and he eventually went.i still think he thinks I’ll have him back he was saying stuff you wouldn’t say to an ex on separation but I won’t go into that ..

      But can someone help I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationship and that I wasn’t a very good partner because sometimes I never asked how his day was or go near him for emotional attachment much it’s making me think I’m not very good at attaching emotionally to anyone .I’ve not had any good relationships and I just want to know how to be more emotionally available I know my ex had another woman and it was like they clicked and it’s making me think why don’t I have that how can I be better and that maybe I didn’t really love him properly I saw we was distancing and I even stopped saying bye to him when he left the house I can’t remember the reason but it became a permanent thing .I’m starting to blame myself aswell for my actions in the relationship I don’t think I was that great a partner like he said I’m a good mum but not a good partner only if it’s sexual or material I’m not good with positive emotions only me being negative.i didn’t make any emotional effort and there may have been times he wanted comfort but I didn’t give it him but when I look back some of the times he asked was when he did something wrong so I refused so I’m struggling to understand if I’ve got problems

    • #148003
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      I do.

      When I see my ex it’s like a switch goes off in my brain and I think about how I look, what I wear, he says do something and I find myself complying. But recognising this is good and it does take time to break those muscle memories and mental connections.

      As for the second part – thanks to the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance you’re brain is trying to convince you it wasn’t that bad, he isn’t so bad, there’s things you can change to go back etc. It’s like an addict convincing them self to take another hit. But please stop and remind yourself of the reality, like you say the cheating – not saying goodbye at the door isn’t a green light to cheat. Not saying goodbye happened because he treated you so badly and inside you started to disconnect from him. Read back through old posts. Hang in there, you know you deserve better xx

    • #148005
      Mellow
      Participant

      Thing is I can’t prove another woman I just know he was in contact with a few and obviously an emotional connection because he made secret phone calls sometimes not secret he wouldn’t care if I was in the room and he was talking . I’m finding it hard because I think he’s making me feel guilty and he thinks I’ll take him back.

      • #148007
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Oh yes for sure he is, you’re his supply and it would be so much easier to return to you and live how he wants to than train another. But even if he doesn’t actually want you back he’ll still want to ‘win’ and convince you he does, then he can be the one to end it or throw it back at you

        Even if he didn’t cheat, his behaviour lead you to believe he did, his phone was more important than anything, he mocked you for asking him to put it down, belittled you at times, remember your older kids are happy he’s gone and remind yourself why. I know how hard it is lovely, remember too you’re going through a break up and there will be good and bad days when you miss them or think about trying again. Tomorrow is a new day x

    • #148022
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Im sitting in my garden reading this after a rotten few days at work i need to just calm myself but I have one eye on the front door in case he comes in if he sees me doing nothing he will shout and moan if i am at work when he comes home he will shout and moan. I am on edge all the time whatever i do. Remember that? When you doubt yourself when you feel like you wanna go back remember that horrible feeling in the pjt of your stomach that dread that fear that cloud that hovers when they get home thats why you withheld thats why you didnt say goodbye because of how he made you feel Ive never had true love either but Im sure this isnt it sweetie this isnt how it should feel. Never doubt yourself now you are free as hard as im sure it is and im guessing lonley at times, re read your old posts remember what he was really like under the nice parts it was and is always him his problem and most definatly not yours xxxxxx

    • #148062
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Mellow

      Abuse is not about the survivor and how they behave. It’s about the abuser. They choose to behave the way that they do.

      You could be the most loving soul there is and attach fully and he would still abuse you. They move the goalposts constantly. If you felt you had been very close with him, it is likely you’d be on the forum blaming yourself for being too clingy and suffocating him.

      It sounds like you have a lot of healing to do before you feel you can let go emotionally and attach to someone. If you work on yourself first and get to know yourself, you will find the right match for you if that is what you want.

      You’ve tried and tested this relationship. Even if you can’t currently convince yourself that the abuse wasnt your fault (it wasnt), you do know that this relationship wasn’t right for you. You should not have to change yourself to make someone else love you. If they can’t love you just as you are and they abuse you to try and make you something you’re not, the relationship will always be abusive.

      Find yourself then find a partner who loves you just the way you are.

    • #148100
      herewegoagain
      Participant

      NO no no it’s not your fault…questioning yourself did I not love him enough or give him enough support?…what about him giving you emotional support? it didn’t happen did it?…did he come and ask how your day went?
      Doubt it very much

      It’s never there fault… So stop thinking its your fault …it’s not

      My ex still believes he’s done nothing wrong..
      Despite years of physical emotional verbal abuse…

      I will NEVER go back

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