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    • #24692
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      My aunt is an extremely abusive and toxic person. I haven’t spent that much time with her but I’ve definitely seen enough. I no longer speak to her but last time I saw she tried to emotionally abuse me any way she could, guilt tripping, trying to open up any wound she could etc. I won’t go into detail but there is no doubt how bad she is. My mother is also very mentally unwell and abusive but in a more BPD kind of way. I have gone completely no contact with my mother for years now. I worry about both of their influence and effect on him and also I just wish I could talk to him about them and actually have him agree. He agrees in part (I think he’s well aware what they’re like) but then also makes excuses for them and whenever it brought it before he usually blames me in a way by suggesting I should be more accepting. Which on the one hand is his opinion and how he deals with it but saying it like that to me is just damaging because it just adds to the years of invalidation and gaslighting. He has always been the enabler for my mother and my abusive late grandmother. He is the only member of my family I speak to and like even though he has hurt and betrayed me before by siding with them he did apologise a year later about it and I knew exactly what he was referring to when he said it. So I think he understood. But he still seems under their influence now.

      When I last saw my aunt (stupidly as I already knew what she was like) she was trying to drive a wedge between my granddad and me. I don’t think she is emotionally abusing him as badly as me maybe because I’m younger so she thinks she can get away with it. Maybe I’m just being selfish but I want to get him to see how abusive she is or at least recognise what emotional abuse is and then that I have had it done to me by them. It’s partly because I feel like he is still enabling them and judging/blaming me (just like they want him too) like he did before. Since I moved out and cut contact with the others he seems to have more respect for me than before at least and treat me better but some of the things he says still sound judgmental in a way which doesn’t make sense like how I was made to feel by the others before.

      He is also a very well meaning, kind person (although easily influenced) but he is very practical and deep personal discussions are not his thing. He is introverted (like me) but I am more willing to talk about emotions and ideas whereas he is not. He usually keeps his feelings quite closed. I just wish there was a way to talk to him about these things which he’d be receptive to.

    • #25651
      anna
      Participant

      hi lyra
      i relate to the whole post. Sadly I dont think that you will get the open conversation with your Grandad. He already knows what is going on from what you describe and knows its abuse, But he is not ready or willing to deal with it. You are making healthy choices to keep away from abusive family members.you now need to try and look after yourself and know you cant be responsible for looking after grandad and his relationships. ( iknow how upsetting it is as i wanted to do the same with my siblings who are still with my abusive mum) Also there was quite a bit of me that wanted them to talk with me about what had happened in our lives and maybe even leave mum as then it would validate my decision not to see her. i worried for months that it would look like i was making it up if i was the only one to leave and they all stayed.But i now understand they have to make their own decisions and i dont need the world to agree with me and also i have realised even though i have no relationshps with my siblings because its so toxic and dsyfunctional that they are still my family and i am having a grieving process with walking away and a bit of me wanted a happy ever after where even if they stayed with mum they would love and accept me talk about the abuse and still want to see me.

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