Talking to the children on video chat

[survivorabuse]

Hi all I need some advice

(Detail removed by moderator) I left my husband after realising how I was abused and being isolated and controlled

(Detail removed by moderator) I found a new home for me and the kids. During lockdown they asked to speak to their dad so I let them speak to him and they had a lovely conversation with him. I refused to speak to him as I will admit that I am scared to talk to him because I am not sure if my resolve is strong

(Detail removed by moderator) he called the kids back on video chat and I again refused to speak and instead I was cleaning the living room and I heard him say when this lockdown is over we are all going to be together again. He then said it’s your mother’s fault you all left and don’t worry you won’t leave me again.

I rang him back and he was totally naked and so I hung up immediately and he rung back on phone call only and said I know you still want me and you can have me but only until I have punished you for leaving

I said I don’t want you you are too controlling and abusive and put the phone down

When lockdown is over the kids will be on at me about going back. They have been nightmares since the call asking me to get dad to fetch us.

I need some advice about this.

[KIP.]

This is child abuse. Get in touch with women’s aid. Log all his comments and keep a journal. I think he’s very dangerous and when lockdown is over you should use a supervised contact centre. Don’t respond to his comments, it’s exactly what he wants you to do. He can’t stand the fact that you won’t engage with him, zero contact is the way you will recover and be able to move on with your life. Any contact is toxic and used to manipulate x

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

You are doing so well, don’t let this incident undo all the hard work you have done and get you doubting anything at all. You know why you left him, you clearly state YOU left HIM because you recognised you were being abused. He is now using the Monopolised Perception tactic to try and make you think the only reason you’re not together is because he is only prepared to take you back when it suits him and on his terms! He’s even deluded enough in his own beliefs to actually tell you this is ‘your punishment’, presumably for ‘daring’ to leave him?! Now he’s in the despicable stage of using the children to emotionally blackmail you 🙁 You clearly had him sussed out as an abuser, which is why you left 🙂

I don’t know how old your children are, but you need to make it plain to them that you will NOT all be living together again and you’re not sure why Daddy would think/say that. Don’t dwell over it, tell them it as a matter of fact and then change the subject. Don’t answer any video chat calls from him from now on, just decline them. Communicate by text or email only if you can. If he constantly puts you down when he speaks to the children, or tells them again that you will all be living together soon, stop his contact with the children until you have sought professional advice. This can be from a Family Law solicitor and/or Children’s Services.

Do you have a Contact Order in place yet to set out the days he will have them? If not, I would suggest you get one, this sets out clear boundaries for future contact.

[survivorabuse]

Thank you

I have 3 children to him and the first 2 are old enough to understand. My brother takes the kids to see him and the (detail removed by moderator) he was giving the baby a dummy. He knew this would wind me up and he put a photograph of it on (detail removed by moderator). I never even mentioned it to him but my brother did tell me he asked him about if I had seen it. My brother said no she didn’t see it.

Every opportunity he gets to wind me up he delights in it I can tell

I don’t bite back. He sent a text (detail removed by moderator) saying he got lucky (detail removed by moderator) knowing just how much he can still get under my skin. He rang again on video chat earlier and I declined the call. He then left a nasty voicemail saying how dare I keep the kids away and not able to speak to them. I didn’t want to talk to you I wanted to speak to the kids!

I am thinking of sending the following text

You don’t bother me anymore. I am not interested in being with you. This is about the children. We don’t love each other but we love the kids. I declined the video call because the kids were playing happily but we are never going to live together again because I cannot tolerate your abuse and being your punch bag when I don’t do things you want me to do. You don’t like not being in control so you are telling the kids lies

 

[KIP.]

Please don’t send it. I know you want to put your point across but he simply doesn’t care. He will take that text and twist it round. And right back at you. Zero contact is how to deal with this. ‘After years Of being the victim of your abuse, do not contact me again Directly or I will consider it harrassment and report you to the police. All communication should be via my brother with regards to the children’ (Check that’s okay with your brother) and cut your ex out the loop altogether. Your ex wants to abuse you every chance you give him.

[Wants To Help]

I absolutely agree with Kip on this. The text you want to send is one where you are justifying yourself, yet again. You don’t have to justify yourself. So the text that Kip has suggested is perfect; you are taking control, you are setting the rules, and he is aware that to contact you further you will consider it as harassment. Therefore, he has been warned! Send it short and factual and devoid of any emotion or feeling.

If he replies, you do not reply to it AT ALL. No matter what he says, threatens, pleads, insults, nastiness, niceness. If you give in after whatever amount of texts, it becomes a ‘text argument’. The Police are not interested in text arguments, it’s hard to prosecute ‘sometimes harassment sometimes not’. If you do go to the Police, the best evidence is all of those replies in whatever colours his texts are compared to your colour text of the FINAL MESSAGE you’ve sent that clearly tells him that any response to it you’ll consider as harassment.

I know that him giving your youngest a dummy was done to wind you up, but please try not to react to these things. One thing explained to me during Family Court proceedings was that I had no control at all over what my ex chose to do with my son on his days, as long as it wasn’t illegal or harmful. So my ex used to change the bedtime routines on purpose so that our son came back to me tired and grumpy, he would come back to me in dirty clothes, or clothes too small. He would refuse to take our son to any birthday parties of school friends that fell on his weekend (purely because if I told him our son had been invited to a birthday party and asked my ex to take him he considered it as me ‘telling him what to do’ on his contact weekend and I was never to tell him what to do.) My solicitor explained that I wouldn’t want my ex dictating to me what I did and didn’t do with our son when he was in my care, so it worked both ways. So I had to learn to accept what I could not control.

[survivorabuse]

I won’t send him any ammunition that he could use against me. I laugh at some of the texts he sends me. (Detail removed by moderator) he said that if I promise to sleep on the sofa will you come back lol. If only the problem was that. Stupid idiot

 

[survivorabuse]

My brother said to ignore the dummy incident. It backfired on him because she didn’t cry for a dummy when I got her back

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