Talking to them?

[Rainbowdream]

Hey guys,

I’m getting to the point where I know something needs to change!
I’ve spoken to a friend who’s a social worker and she basically said they would advise me to leave for mine and my kids safety. So I can either speak to my midwife and go behind my partner and get social involved, or I’m thinking I might try just talking to him.
Has this actually worked for anyone before?
Any time I’ve tried talking to him before and it’s always ended in him blaming me, minimising my concerns and basically saying I’m crazy and I bring it on myself. It’s just scary to think that it could be over and that I’m actually potentially going to be on my own.
Any advise or experience would be appreciated. Thankyou

[KillingMeSlowly]

I’m not sure what type of abuse you are suffering, so my situation may have been a bit different. I tried talking to mine. Indeed we spent a lot of time talking about the ‘relationship’ over the years. Ultimately, he ended up asking me to leave. I took steps to do so but had to wait quite some time for housing. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending upon which way you look at it, I ended up in a situation where the police got involved. This then lead to social care getting involved.

So in my case, all the talking in the world didn’t work. I’m not saying it can’t work, but the advice to not go to counselling/therapy with your abuser is there for a reason and I think the same applies somewhat to trying to amicably part or trying to sort things out amongst yourselves.

In my experience, an abuser will never take full responsibility for anything and will always turn the blame round onto you (or depending upon the circumstances, it may be someone else but it’s never them). For example, mine would seem to take responsibility for something and then the ‘but’ type moment would come and it would be my fault… so a third of an olive branch is offered and then rapidly snatched back.

The same applied to any acknowledgement of abuse. If he did acknowledge what he had done and even apologize or express guilt/shame/remorse, it would never last and he’d be back at it again. I came to the conclusion that I could not expect any true, long-term change from him around his behaviour. He was always going to behave like that because it is such an intrinsic part of him and he genuinely believes that he is in the right and everyone else is in the wrong.

Also another problem is that even if you get a promise to change or an apology, this is like a mask they wear for a while. They cannot keep the change up. So you go back to that calm stage, then the tension rises again, then the kick off, then back to the remorseful or tail-between legs phase and it’s a case of continual rinse and repeat.

I found it better to use my energy on planning and leaving.

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou so much for your response. From what I’ve been told I’m experiencing sexual, emotional abuse and coercion I think.
I didn’t know couples therapy wasn’t advised, not that he’d go anyway!
May I ask what happened when social care got involved?
Thankyou very much for sharing and for your advice. After an incident the other night I feel that leaving may be the best bet.

[Genericusername]

I agree with the lady above, I’ve tried and tried with the various relationship communication blueprints available over the last few years. Nothing worked. I feel like the more I said and tried the more I made myself vulnerable to be pecked at by sharing how deeply I was impacted and cared.

Honestly don’t give the wrong person the keys to your head or heart.

It sounds like you may be in a position to receive practical assistance into a new home.. and a new life.
Take their arm off. x

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou, I’ve never considered that before, but now you mention it all the things I’ve spoken to him about are the ones that have escalated. That’s a little but heartbreaking that he’s so specifically doing these things to upset me.
Thankyou for your experience. I’ll seriously consider asking my midwife for help

[gettingtired]

I can relate to this.. everything I’ve ever shared with him has been weaponised against me at some point. Sometimes even years later, it’s amazing what they manage to store in their mind to use at a later date. My memory on the other hand is shattered to pieces x

[Eggshells]

Hi Rainbowdream

We’d all like to think that talking would work. In a normal, adult relationship it could work. Sadly, we are not dealing with normal adults here. Talking will make no difference with an abuser. Even if they don’t vocalise it, they will still blame you and they’ll take it out on you even more for daring to suggest that they’re doing something wrong.

The more you tell them, the more they will weaponise what you tell them and they’ll turn it around to abuse you even more. By talking, you’re telling them exactly what scares you. You are handing it to them on a plate.

I was in my abusive relationship for decades, hoping that one day he would hear and understand. Instead, he used it to try and destroy me. He knew exactly how to control. I told him what I hated and he just did it even more.

If you have an opportunity to leave and you feel you are able to make that choice then please go. Honestly my lovely, he won’t change.

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou so much for responding. I’m sorry you had to endure for so long. And yeah I’ve never even considered that he’d use that to specifically hurt me before. Like I said to Genericusername looking at it now those are the things he has escalated. Which is really sad to be honest.
Thankyou for your response

[Author]

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