Tears!

[White Rose]

I keep crying! Why?
I actually feel ok. I’m safe. I’m actually daring to feel happy. I laugh a lot and I feel my stress levels are incredibly low.
I’m no contact. I’m divorced. He still owes me money after financial settlement but I’m resigned to not getting that and although it annoys me he’s not paid up, so what? There’s no point going to court it will just lead to me paying for privilege of having him attack me emotionally again and to be honest it’s not a HUGE amount. I can manage…. I don’t need a new car, I can keep my mortgage going 5 or 6 years longer than needed and more importantly I can stay no contact if I don’t pursue. That’s worth far more than money.
Work is good I’m increasing my hours after a long battle and am incredibly excited about my new tasks (and the pay rise!!)
My daughter seems to be settling into her skin again and is getting on with building her working skills and her social life. She’s “happy at last” she tells me with a big grin on her face and I believe her. She can still drive me batty with her moods and her down snappy days, but I’m not sad or upset by them.
So why on earth am I weepy???
It comes over me in waves, I have no control! It happened in a meeting this week I welled up and had to cover up by pretending to choke on a drink and leave the room. It’s happened in a super market, when I’m driving, when I’m at the social groups I attend.
I do not feel down or depressed – I’m an expert at depression scores and mine is low.
Is it that my body is relaxing, my mind emptying my stress melting away and I’m allowing myself to breathe? Are these tears of relief? Anyone else experienced this? Any tips other than carry tissues at all times and avoid soppy films?
If anyone just out or thinking about leaving is reading this and feeling that you’ll never get where I am (tears and all! ) you will, I promise. Just take baby steps and push yourself to stay no contact and keep positive. Life will get better.
Sending love xxxx

[KIP.]

Hey there, I had an in depth mental health report done on me by an expert and part of the report, which made horrific reading, but had to be done, said that it can take upto 10 years for the physical effects to leave. So, yes, i sometimes start to cry when im happy, i also get really nervous and anxious when im happy because my ex couldnt stand me being happy and would pull the rug from underneath me. I wasnt allowed to cry so had to suppress these feelings and my brain is still trying to work out when its appropriate to feel emotions and when its safe to express them. You have come such a long way in your recovery and i think this part is still your brain trying to rewire. Just know its normal and it will pass. And i feel as long as your good days are mire than your bad days, youre moving forward. Hang in there x

[White Rose]

Thanks KIP.
I do feel like I’m rewiring that’s a really good way of thinking about it. My mind making the connections again and maybe getting crossed wires somewhere.
It’s funny you mentioned feeling anxious and nervous when you feel happy – I definitely get that and so does my daughter. She described it to me so well a few weeks ago.
I suppose it’s down to the old saying “time heals” there may be scars but they fade with time.
Take care x

[Houndgirl]

I sometimes have to leave my desk at work because tears have started, not sure where they come from but have to make a quick exit! I hate it but there is never a single hour when it doesn’t go through my head in one way or another. I told myself I would not be angry, I never want to turn into one of those bitter people, I would hate myself for that but I wish I could just get it out of my head, just for a little while, forget the last few decades. I’m so much luckier than most, financially independent with my own home (he didn’t want the financial responsibility of buying a house after a year or two and made me but him out) and I have my beautiful dogs to keep me company but I still can’t find peace. Hoping it will return eventually and that I can finally find the happiness I crave, possibly with company.

[White Rose]

Hi houndgirl
I don’t even think about “it” much now at least not consciously and if I do I understand why I may cry at those times. It used to be there – the anger the hatred the injustice and the sadness but now I think I’ve stopped beating myself up about what an idiot I was for being abused and I suppose I’m in “recovery”.
I used to cry a lot when first out and I was severely depressed and suicidal at that time too. Those times have passed. Tears in response to those feelings and events I can understand, but these spontaneous apparently unprovoked ones I really struggle with.
Maybe we need a resident psychologist on here as well as moderators to help us all!
I don’t know what the answer is but I’m reassured by the fact it’s not just me. I am worried that I might become a bit of a hermit again as I’m embarrassed to go out in case I blub! I need to continue to enjoy being out and about, tissues at the ready. My other saving grace at the moment is it’s hay fever season and I get it badly so I have an excuse. I’m a grown up Tracy Beaker!

[Serenity]

I’m sure they are tears of relief, and also a way of releasing negative energy.

Whilst we are ‘coping’ and racing about, we don’t have the space to focus on our feelings. It’s when we are sat down and still that the tears can come, and it can appear for no reason.

I was listening to an interesting interview on Radio 2 today. Graham Norton was talking to Jeff Brazier- Jade Goody’s ex husband- about his upcoming book The Grief Handbook.

What an intelligent and articulate person Jeff is. It’s worth listening to the interview, as he was saying grief covers loss of a dream, a relationship, etc.

He was saying how it’s important to realise that from the wide spectrum of emotions you feel after grief, it’s important to realise that it’s not wrong to feel any emotion at any given time- whether that’s happiness, sadness, etc. Many people might feel guilty about feeling happy inpmenta after a loss, for example, or scared of being happy, as they think it will end, or they might feel guilty about expressing sadness as it impacts on others who are affected. etc. He was saying that feeling a whole gamut of emotions is perfectly normal, and we are too
hard on ourselves about feeling what we do in given moments, and put too much pressure on ourselves to be a certain way, when in fact everyone is different and will grieve in a different way. x

[White Rose]

I think you are right Serenity it is linked with grief. Grief for what I’d wished for – the happy ever after family – and grief for me and the loss of happiness during over a third of my adult life. Resentment too for what he took from me – my self esteem, my confidence and my sense of self. Perhaps frustration for not having recognised the signs sooner and disappointment in myself for not having mended it and not having protected our daughter from harm.
Whatever it is its all hidden and tumbles out when I have my guard down. Maybe that’s the key. Maybe I’ve relaxed and let my guard down and that’s made me more vulnerable to my emotions?
I’ll listen to the interview – I’ve heard him speak previously and found him such a strong character.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Maybe u just overhwelmed at your progress and the fact that u went through the abuse has caught up and just need to cry it out, im so busy trying to be strong through my divorce that i worry when its all over i willhave melt downn just cause its finally over , i think this is what is happening to u, we focus so much on coping we forget to cry

[White Rose]

Absolutely confused123! . It’s a bit like runners sobbing when they’ve won the race despite being repeatedly overtaken and tripped up en route. The adrenaline rush keeps us going and when it’s finally setting we feel the low.
I hope your journey continues at a manageable pace and you keep ahead of him all the way x

[iwillbeok]

Im the same White Rose. I feel more myself than I have in the longest time! But every now and then the tears come. Thankfully I dont seem to fall into a complete sobbing heap so much anymore. But I find tears leaking at some momens. My colleague answered an email in a very funny way the other day and as I laughed I also cried a few tears.

Other moments not so strange – I accidently called my son my ex’s name when he was being difficult – I managed to not lose it altogether but what I really wanted to do was have a good bawl!

We need to be gentle with ourselves; recognise the complexity of our feelings and allow oursleves to work through them.

Lundy Bancroft on his blog has a piece on setting aside time, on purpose, to have a good cry.

x take care strong lady

[White Rose]

Thanks IWBOK I’ve just looked at Lundy Bancroft blog and came up with “A powerful key to healing from trauma” I think that must be the one you mean. It’s a really sensible, logical and reassuring read.
It still annoys me its happening but it’s making more sense to me now and hearing I’m not alone has reassured me, as has having read Lundy’s take on it.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi White Rose,

I agree with what everyone else has said. It is probably the last remaining pieces of grief, trauma and mourning under the surface for you that is bubbling up to the surface at unexpected times. I totally relate to random tears, I had a good day today out and about with nice people but started crying as I put the key in the door. I try to give myself time each day to cry if I need it, plus journaling and painting helps to get out deep-buried stuff that we may not be initially aware of. Otherwise yes carry tissues and maybe just let yourself cry, it’s so therapeutic and in the end the sadness needs to come out to heal.

It sounds like you’re doing great with your work, no contact and divorce, it’s inspiring to read about the progress women make after escaping these relationships.

[White Rose]

Thanks for that Sunshinerainflower. I wondered if perhaps it was me, or maybe depression I’d not recognised. It’s good to know I’m not alone. Gives me reassurance and a sense of relief. Thankfully we’re an allergic household so we always have plenty of tissues around.
I hope thibgs for you are easier and I’m glad you had a good day out. Look after yourself xx

[Author]

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