Teenage daughter now bearing brunt

[Pamplemousse]

Hi newbie here. Here is my story and my current fix. I gave my controlling and physically and emotionally abusive husband chance after chance until I was pregnant. After first few weeks of meeting, feigning sickness at other guys hitting women, the insiduous abuse built. He eventually told me he’d beat his old gf. Too late, I was locked in. Pregnancy gave me the drive to leave. He promised change when the baby arrived *wry chuckle*. I didn’t even believe him but gave him that last chance. Of course soon enough he blew it, and with police help as he wouldn’t let me leave, drove off to (removed by moderator) miles away with baby girl, heart racing. Police offered to kick him out instead but I couldn’t bear the thought of him slinking nearby.
Phone harassment ensued, my soft heart persevering with public child contact til he hit me (removed by moderator). She wasn’t even a toddler at that point. More phone abuse, hundreds of calls a day (no mobile back then) my parents had to unplug the phone, some sort of injunction was installed by police that gave us peace, but I don’t think that is in force now, it was years ago.
Then it was family court time as he attacked that way with legal aid, while my savings meant I had to fritter for my representation. My first solicitor dumped me when my part time job over paid me one month and my income support was stopped. Child contact centre was a joke, he’d wait outside to try and abuse me further so I had to hide in a different room. At pre school age unsupervised contact was granted by family court. The whole experience had worn me to a point where I gave up the fight, was just told there was no other way.
I learnt ways of grey rocking him so he gave up on harassing me. Bliss. I remarried, had another child. Years passed with actual calm. He engaged positively with our daughter. She was fun and didn’t answer back. His mum was on the scene to help. Sometimes she saw daughter after school. “Don’t tell your dad” she would say. She was scared of him, too.
The teenage years. She is fairly typical, not very communicative, keeps verrry much to herself. In my eyes perfectly acceptable. The mum stops helping, (removed by moderator). A message came from his new gf, ‘he is abusing me now’. (detail removed by moderator), tell her to leave. He got daughter a phone. Straight away my alarms are going. The phone is a bug. This year she did her exams. He starts getting annoyed when she doesn’t call. I get her another phone to socialise out of his view. He is getting more and more impatient with her. Moves the goalposts re when to call him. It is never enough, her response is never instant enough. When she does call he just shouts and swears at her about her lateness (though he never tells her what time to call so she can’t get it right). When I realise, I tell her to turn it off after the call to give herself some peace. But next morning he sends her nice messages before it starts again. This is almost daily now. Every few weeks if he doesn’t get a response to ringing her, me and the landline for half an hour, he drives up and bangs loudly on the door (removed by moderator). Trying to give more hairdryer treatment. Me or husband see him off, him pretending to be reasonable. Me trying to hide my jellyguts that he has given from the first night he kept me awake screaming in my face about supposed cheating or poor cooking or whatever it was.
I’ve shown her information about non molestation orders. She’s not ready for that. She’s old enough it needs to be her decision. I find it weird that he clearly upsets her at the time, makes her cry sometimes, but she is fine after. What other support can I give her? Any other way I can protect her? Feel like I’m living in a slow motion car crash (again).

[diymum@1]

you need to educate her now in tactics of abuse teach her to grey rock.keep reiterating that she CAN put herself first in this situation. dr Ramani might be a good start for her. Mathew Hussy also has some great videos on how a good relationship looks. Ive been through very similar my daughter ended up cutting contact. It has had its effect on her but by the time she got older i told her he could be very intimidating. to define what he is doing as in the tactic this is ‘push and pull’ it is the tactic that can cause trauma bonding so this might be a good start if she understands whats going on she can make informed choices. your doing her a big favour too in making sure she stays away from abusive men/ friends etc an easier and more fulfilling life basically xx

luv diymum xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I wanted to add that my abusive husband did this push/pull tactic with our children (teenagers). As it was their decision ultimately I educated them with books and pod casts (and as Diymum has mentioned, Dr Ramani is really helpful). My eldest blocked her dad, unfortunately our younger teen hasn’t yet, although I will be stepping in soon with this as husband is trying to manipulate, my son is aware but isn’t ready to block yet, I hope, like my elder teen, that he will do this, until then he reads each text with me (my sons choice), he can hear the manipulation,.coercion etc

Your ex is abusing your daughter as he did you which means he will keep upping it, your daughter will feel how you did when you were in that relationship… I do not have advice other than to educate your daughter on abuse, it will help her understand. Have you read Why Does Dad hurt mummy? That’s one book recommended to me which I am going to buy which relates, so I am told, to this sort of situation.

You sound a great mum and it sounds like you have a good understanding of your daughter (teens are hard work without having extra emotional strain on them, it was easy when mine were little but now I have 2 teens very close in age 🙈 both affected from.the DA)

Warm wishes ❤ keep posting
Let us know if you get some help xx

[Bananaboat]

There’s a counselling service aimed at teenagers which GP’s & social services recommend called Kooth, she could contact it via text or phone. It might help her to have someone independent to work with xx

[Pamplemousse]

Thanks for your your comments. Daughter collected her exam results (detail removed by Moderator), she was disappointed as they don’t meet her first choice course requirements. Gave her plenty reassurance that I was still proud of her hard work, and things will be ok. I went to work (detail removed by Moderator), and she has gone to stay at his (detail removed by Moderator) as previously arranged. I have lined up some ‘education’ for her, by seeking out some Youtube videos to show her- 3 from Dr Ramani’s N********m Glossary for behaviours she should recognise: coercive control (this one really stung), n**********c rage and projection. Dr Ramani is great but I think most of her vids may be too wordy and either go over daughter’s head and/or overwhelm her. Also got one from ‘personality unleashed’ called ‘how to deal with a n**********c father’. Just realised some of these terms are going to get moderated but hope you get my drift! I last watched Dr Ramani’s Masterclass, she said to help someone else, do not jump in with solutions but ask how to help.. Although I agree it should be up to daughter, I think steering her towards understanding is ok given her young age. It’s an awkward age as she is on the border between childhood and adulthood. Just hope she pays attention.. Her attention span is short, and her default reply (which causes so much abuse from him) is ‘I don’t know’.. I think partly because he has caused herself to always doubt herself. She needs to learn that her voice matters, I’ve not really seen that in her.

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