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    • #137518

      Hi everyone
      I am hoping for any words of wisdom from you.
      My older teenager is totally aware of the abuse and some of it is directed at her ( which of course I try to stop). She knows I am unhappy and want to leave. She gets so angry with me when I try to give her advice ..for example I will ask her to change the tone of her voice as I know it will annoy him even more.
      I see it in her eyes that she thinks I am weak and she has on one occasion said this to me.
      I want to share with her that I am starting to form a plan but don’t know if this will make her even more anxious.

    • #137529

      Hi Gerbil,

      I totally understand your situation, as I am in same position as you. I have older teenage Sons and the youngest is the same as your Daughter, and I say the same to my Son too not to reply to anything, as his father actually tries to provoke him, always poking with taunts and putting him down. Just maybe explain to her that you will find a way soon and till then she needs stay calm.

      Take care.

    • #137536

      You sound like a very caring mum. She will have lots of strong emotions and maybe taking a step back and giving her space to name those feelings and say how she really thinks and feels about her situation might help. If she has her feelings validated that is going to help her cope too. Maybe then she will be more open to others ideas about how to manage a confusing and distressing situation. If she can have space with you or others who can just listen to how she feels then that will be helpful.

    • #137549

      Thank you both so much. I am distraught as she has just told me she hates me as much as she hates him. In her words I am pathetic. This is so out of character as she is never cruel. But I do feel like I am pathetic and weak.

    • #137552
      Wants To Help

      Hi Gerbil,

      So sorry to read of the troubles you are facing. You are not pathetic or weak, you are a woman living in a very unhappy situation and are struggling to know what to do for the best.

      Teenagers are horrible things at the best of times! I was a ‘horrible teenager’ for a period of my life too and I made my mum’s life hell for a little while – and I grew up in a home with no abuse.

      I’m not sure if you can have a grown up conversation with your daughter or if she is in one of those stages where she’s not prepared to listen to any reason or other point of view than her own, but it may be worth trying to calmly ask her for a moment of her time as you want to discuss something important with her. Can you offer to take her out for a coffee/smoothie/burger or something you know she enjoys and have some one to one time with her?

      Acknowledge that you understand her and how she is being treated. Explain that you have the same feelings and you know what it is like to be abused/disrespected/shouted at/criticised etc. Then tell her there are options to get away from it.

      You can explain to her that you are not pathetic or weak, but the options to leave the abuse will impact on all of your lives and disrupt them in a way that means it will not be the same again. Tell her you are not sure if this disruption is the right thing for her and that you have been weighing it all up about what to do for the best. Tell her you could both leave and look at going to a refuge, but would she go with you? Would she be willing to move areas, possibly move schools?

      It is easy for a teenager (who thinks they know absolutely everything and that we are ‘old fossils who know nothing’) to blame us for situations they are in but then don’t really understand what it means for them if we take action to make things better. I’m pretty sure that if you just decided that you were going to leave your husband/partner tonight and told her to pack her suitcase because she was coming with you you’d be met with some resistance and hostility then too, so in some ways, as a parent, we can never win.

      Ask her what her ideas are to make this all stop. If she can’t come up with any, then as the adult it will be up to you to take the lead and make that decision to do what is best to protect all of you. That may mean contacting a solicitor or DA charity on Monday to ask about the possibility of an Occupation Order to get him to leave the property.

      On what may seem a negative note, I really do believe that when our children are letting us know that the abuse is impacting them we need to take some action. It’s one thing for us to decide that we can continue to tolerate it for a bit longer, but we can’t allow our children to continue to tolerate it when they’re letting us know they can’t. I know you say you are already forming a plan, see what your daughter can contribute to the plan to make it more realistic, however, she has to know that she can’t let her Dad know about it as this could make things a lot worse for you all. Can you trust her not to blurt this all out to him in a moment of anger against you?

    • #137602

      Hi Gerbil – how far along are you with a plan to leave, and does your daughter think you are weak for not leaving, or for not standing up to her father?

      Personally, I think you should be a bit careful about telling her your plans. If she is gutsy enough to “stand up to” her dad, she may let it out at some point. However, I think it’s ok for you to let her know you understand how she feels, and to ask her to trust you.

      I am out now but I’ve been in a similar place. However, I waited until all my kids were adults before I left as I couldn’t bear the thought of them being with him without me being there to protect them. I don’t know if this was the right thing to do but it felt like it at the time.

      If you’d like to pm me please do. It’s sometimes easier to get advice when we’re able to give/get more detail. X

    • #137603

      Oh, and she doesn’t hate you. She’s just saying it because she knows how much it will hurt you and teenagers are cruel like that. She doesn’t mean it. Just be very sure that she knows you love her and that you are trying very hard to make things ok.

    • #137611

      Hi Gerbil

      I totally understand how difficult this is for you. It’s a tricky situation for you. Teenagers aren’t deliberately cruel. They shed neurological pathways when they hit their teens and empathy often suffers as a result. It’s one of the pathways that has to be rebuilt.

      She doesn’t hate you. She may well be frustrated. At a time when she should be spreading her wings, I suspect she feels she is having her wings clipped by her father.

      Teenagers often find it easier to talk when they are doing something else such as walking. If she is at that volatile age then it’s probably best not to tell her your plans just yet. She may well be tempted to blurt it out when she’s arguing with her Dad and it’s a lot of pressure for a teenager to keep a secret like that. You can, however, listen to her and let her know that you understand how she feels and let her know how much you love her and that you are trying to protect her. xx

    • #137613

      Ah! When I’m saying the same thing as @Eggshells, I know I must be on the right track! She has been my guru for all things teenager!

    • #137615

      Thank you all
      Your advice and comments means so much to me.
      When I am being rationale, I know she doesn’t hate me.However much of yesterday, I don’t think I was being logical and rational with the amount of stress I was under ( which I know everyone on here can understand).
      I know as an adult I struggle to understand what is going on in our lives so for her it is even harder.
      I am just starting on my plan ( have spoken to a DA support worker who has given lots of advice for me to read) .
      Stay safe x*x

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