Teeth are on edge

[hop]

My ex is acting differently. He’s being kind and sending messages about stuff our (detail removed by moderator) likes. He was blocked from everything but the little one had been using his phone and it’s been (detail removed by moderator) since we had contact (unnecessarily) and I forgot to reblock him. I didn’t think I needed to anymore tbh. It’s nothing to do with the virus, I’m telling you it wasn’t that long ago that a solicitor had to write to him to tell him to stop trying to provoke me into killing myself……this isn’t caring, I know it’s not. So what the f**k is he up to? And less importantly why? I can’t read the message I could see the 1st line. I was goosed, ready to sleep and now I’m wide awake and feel sick……he knows the child’s in bed so why is he doing this to me…… I’ve turned into a mad woman. I need to not obsess but I can’t…..what in hells name is he doing. He doesn’t know I’m like this so what purpose can it serve 😢

[hop]

I think I’m just overreacting it is something our (detail removed by moderator) would probably like…..its just with all the niceties to me on top its f*****g really wierd. I knew I’d be obsessing… Of my goodness w*f is wrong with me….i feel deranged!

[KIP.]

No wonder you’re on edge. Triggers triggers triggers. Block him again asap and realise that any contact is toxic. This man sounds dangerous and will be playing mind games again. We are forever vulnerable to our abusers x

[hop]

Thanks kip. I feel bad blocking him now, it sounds stupid I know it does. I am totally starting to think maybe it is me with the problem. I really don’t want our (detail removed by moderator) round there he’s going to keep em I know he is….well I don’t know but because I’m worried sick I can’t stop thinking it. I feel really torn….im honestly not sure again if it is all in my head

[KIP.]

It’s not in your head. You’ve experienced what this man is capable of, there’s the proof. Think if blocking him as self preservation. You can’t look after yourself or your children when this kind of abuser is taking up your headspace leaving none for your recovery and your children. If he had zero effect on you then there wouldn’t be a problem but more now than ever you need to put yourself and your health first x you need to rewire your brain to understand your needs come first x

[hop]

I’ve got a knot in my stomach because I know you’re right. I feel like if I block him now it’ll cause trouble that will be my fault. You do not know how much I don’t want to be like this. I feel so conflicted. I don’t want him to start being horrible again. I have just lost all confidence in myself and I don’t know why. I crave normality and it feels normal to all try to get along. I know it, I know it’s false but I can’t be the one to rock the boat because I might be wrong 😢

[hop]

Also I’m having a real hard time trying to do things for me. I just don’t know what to do. If I block him or keep our (detail removed by moderator) home the guilt I would feel would be overbearing…..i do know how ridiculous I sound but my whole body is fighting that war all the time. I can’t stand the guilt I feel more than I can’t stand letting it be. I’m sorry

[KIP.]

Yes I do know how much you don’t want to be like this, and that’s what he’s counting on. Try blocking him for five minutes, then ten then build it up. It’s his abuse and programming and threats and guilt tripping that have confused you. Keeping contact is a temporary fix for a long term problem. Zero contact with abusers is the first step to recovery. Do t put pressure on yourself just now, there’s enough going on x what about turning your phone off that way you can say it ran out of battery if he kicks off x

[hop]

He’s trying to make me reply to him now asking if he can come (detail removed by moderator) late. I answered him…….im too scared to block him or tell him not to come. I’m an absolute coward, I know it

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