Tell me about leaving

[Lottieblue]

I’m sorry, I keep adding new posts. I am feeling so helpless and I need strength and this place is the only place I can hope to find it.

My question this time is, well I just can’t imagine how on earth to leave. If I said to him I don’t want to be in this marriage any more because you are abusive, he would laugh at me and tell me I’m ridiculous. If I walked out, giving no reason, and then made contact saying the same thing, he would at the very least think I was being ridiculous. He will never ever accept blame and will spend the rest of his life believing I have wronged him. And I imagine a divorce would progress accordingly.
The only slight ray of hope that I have is that at some point, once I am ready (and hopefully not before then!) he will lose his temper with me, shout at me, which happens from time to time, and then he might understand if I said no more.

Please, is there anyone there who has suffered only emotional abuse, and whose partner has actually understood her reasons for leaving?

[hop]

Sweetheart these men claim to never have done anything no matter what they’ve done. I find it hard knowing that my ex will always say it’s in my head no matter what it is, coupled with being groomed to believe everything he says my brain can’t comprehend it as a memory. It’s all part of their twisted way of living. You’ve got to concentrate on yourself and try not to care what he does, or doesn’t believe. Good luck xx

[KIP.]

Abusers are liars. He knows exactly what he has done and you do not own hi an explanation. They very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away. Zero contact is how you will regain your perspective on the abuse. Any contact will bring mind games and manipulation. Even if there was no abuse you have the right to walk away from a relationship that makes you unhappy. You own him nothing. My advice is to contact your local women’s aid and make a safe exit plan. Do not tell him what you’re doing. It’s the most dangerous time when we leave and you don’t want to provoke violence or abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he chooses to abuse you as a form of control. Just concentrate on you. You don’t need his validation or cooperation to walk away. Just take all important documents like bank statements, marriage certificate, birth certificate, and anything else you might need as you don’t want to give him an opportunity to contact you. Zero contact is hard but it’s what heals us quicker x

[Tiffany]

There is no easy way to break up with an abuser, because they won’t act like a normal person when you do, any more than they have through the years of abuse. The only thing to do is work out a safe exit plan. Which ideally involves leaving before you tell him. He will probably never admit that this was his fault, or that he was in the wrong, but this isn’t about him, it’s about what is best for you. And while breaking up with an abuser is hard, once the initial shock is over it’s a hell of a lot easier than living with an abuser.

[diymum@1]

What he thinks is very scewed what he thinks is unreasonable is that your no complying in his eyes. Like how dare you go against me that’s his ‘real’thinking. They do want to punish us if we try to leave or actually do it. So although it’s so hard it’s best to plan without his knowledge xx get WA on side – get organised and prepare yourself. The most important thing is once you’ve gone have no contact with him. Change your number block him come off social media. He won’t get the chance to say your being unreasonable ever again because your barriers are set firm xx

[Lisa]

Hi there Lottieblue, please don’t apologise for starting new posts, we understand how difficult starting to think about leaving can be.

As the others have said, you could access some ongoing support from a local domestic abuse service, you can find their details here They would be able to help you to work through what is right for you to do next.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Escapee]

Hi Lottieblue,

My Oh was emotionally abusive and he will never acknowledge or understand the hurt and damage that his behaviour has caused.
He tells me I have a victim mentality.

It all leaves me feeling very empty. I would dearly love for him to say sorry and accept what he has done but I am pretty sure this will never happen.

Leave for you, knowing the truth – the abuse is real and he is the one responsible.

Good luck and big hugs xx

[Brave]

Hi Lottieblue, and welcome.

I found a lot of strength, advice and help from this forum, when I was deciding to leave. It took me several attempts to get away. The first time, I told him my plans and did not have support in place. I knew I could not stay, as I was so unhappy, and that things were not right, but I did not know what I now know about emotional abuse. This time, I read a lot about this topic (others have recommended books), saw a counsellor (on my own) and spoke with WA. I needed to be sure about what I was doing and why, and all these things helped me to get away. I did not tell him my plans. I felt I should, but that was all part of having been brainwashed into telling him everything. In the end I left, leaving a letter. Yes, I’ve had grief about that from him, but it was the only way I could do it. I did, at long last, what was best for me. It felt like the only safe way to get out.

I had tried, over many many years, to make him understand me. I realise now that that was never going to happen, sadly. No matter what reasons I would give, they would be “ridiculous” or “wrong” etc. etc. i.e. he would deny having done anything wrong. It was so exhausting living like that. Even now, months after I have left, he is trying to get me to give my reasons for leaving. Like he used to get me to justify everything I did or said. No more. I have come to the conclusion he will never understand why I left, but actually, that does not matter, because what he thinks does not matter, because he does not think like a respectful, kind, normal human being.

As others have said, now it is about what is best for you.
I wish you all the very best with your plans.

Brave
xx

[Cecile]

Yes mine has been emotionally abuse for over a decade. He had been physically as well before then and I kicked him out. Took him back when I got sick. He was in a high position in a caring service and he stopped the violence under threats of disclosure from me. The onslaught of emotional abuse began and it has been hell. I always until recently thought he did not know the impact of his actions. He is a n********t. Then found out about affairs, hiding money, refusing me access to our money, smiling when I told him he had ruined my life, smiling when I told him it was coercive control. T Saw him watch tv about about Sally what’s her name who got out of prison. It discussed the nature of coercive control and he went red from the neck up when he heard the prison sentence possible. I now know that every thing he has done, every small action to perturb me or invade my physical space, refusing me love or affection, I had to sleep on floors and so much more. He did all these in a calculated purposeful manner. NEVER assume they are innocent of knowing what they do. They all know.they also all operate in the exact same way. Lots of posts from lots of women on this forum describe the same behaviours from the perpetrators across the board. And we all respond similarly, assuming we are at fault, getting depressed, giving them the benefit of the doubt until we are so despairing and worn down we have a choice of leaving or staying enduring worse.

[siba]

Unfortunately he will never accept he’s done anything wrong. Or if he does it will be acting and lies just to get you back with him (google the abuse cycle). You need to accept that it’s going to be one of the hardest things you’ve had to do but once it’s done you’ll slowly start to feel better.

[Author]

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