20th August 2019 at 9:42 am #86021
I initially left my husband whom I own our house with (still got many years of mortgage to pay ) earlier this year… I became exhausted, worn out and struggled holding down my job due to the upheavel of sofa surfing , and partly staying back at the house in a spare room on a sponge mattress on floor .. he also made it feel impossible to sell the house due to various issues and my solicitor said nothing really could be done other than a strongly worded letter that he needs to play ball (or I face a very unaffordable court case to force sale..?) .. whilst I was worn down and thinking the situation would never end, he became prince charming … My resolve become weak and we ended up back together
I now realise I was duped… It was all one big mistake I regret so much .. I contacted women’s aid last night who were so so lovely , they let me cry heaps which I think I needed! And told me some home truths …
They suggested a refuge but my job, paying mortgage on house and then affording refuge on top feels unmanageable (any idea on weekly costs would help of anyone knows ..?)
I also have my dog and he’s the one thing in the world that keeps me sane and I hate leaving him with my husband it affects him.so.much …. Though having said this I am sure a family friend would foster him whilst I get sorted.
I can see the positive of a refuge would mean I am kept away from him, and can return to the same room.each night and so would have a safe base… Work could be a bit of an upheavel …depending on where refuge would be I would need to relocate to nearest office … Anyway I am sure there’s ways around it it, they do have a DV policy and I’m in a union ..
My other option would be to go into hiding at a family members holiday home …that would be a commute to work over 90mins each way but may be worth it in the long run
Then in meantime I need to progress the divorce… Any ideas on how I go about getting the house sold whilst he’s still there ? He’s in hell of lot of debt , he can’t afford his part the bills and mortgage due to the debts and drugs , dispute being on higher take home pay than me!! … So when he defaults on house hold bills (I’ll still cover mortgage)… Will that impact /put off buyers for our home ?- it’s in a very sort after area houses usually sell within weeks
I know I am in a very fortunate position with a job (just about!) And some equity in a house, I do appreciate this could be so much worse. I just , at mid way point in life , really don’t want to be completely broke and homeless…. I know if stay that would be the eventual outcome ..
20th August 2019 at 11:24 am #86023
You sound like you are being so brave and dealing with so much. I would guess most of us have been sucked back in by the charm offensive. Please don’t give yourself a hard time; we have all uttered the ‘if only he….’ but they can’t really change. I’ve tried everything but it is worse than ever because I finally see him for what he truly is (and that’s taken nearly half my life so it’s really good that you’re being brave enough to get out sooner rather than later).
I have no idea about refuge costs – sorry I can’t help with that one.
Regarding your house, have you spoken to the mortgage company? I believe they have policies in place for DA situations or at the very least should be able to offer some advice.
As scary as it may be, if you loose everything in the material sense, remember what you stand to gain personally. You can start again; on your own terms, in safety.
I’m in the process of leaving and so far the practicalities have resolved themselves fairly easily considering I’ve no job and pets. Please don’t let the hurdles stop you from being safe and (eventually) happy.
It sounds like there’s plenty of positives there – a good job, a sellable house, good friends, knowledgeable support and a sensible head on your shoulders :).
I hope everything falls into place for you and life starts to get easier for you.
Much love and hugs xx
20th August 2019 at 12:50 pm #86028
Thanks Escapee 🙂
I was thinking actually , due his level of debt and dreadful credit rating (even defaulted on pay day loans etc ) he is more than willing to pass the mortgage over to me now , so I will also take the opportunity to see about lowering the mortgage payments by stretching out repayments to beyond retirement (it was in the news yesterday about extending pension age to 75 anyway!!!!) … So that would reduce the payments
Also it is possible I can take a loan out on top of the mortgage, I wondered if that had any legal standing .. he is desperate for money for more drugs and to pay off dealers so im hoping that would send him packing and as part of the agreement id change the locks … Then sell house and give him his share of equity as the courts see fit ?
(detail removed by moderator) but I was left a little disappointed as they couldnt tell me any sort of idea on rent costs for refuge at all …not even any ball park figure…(so why they asked me where I wanted to.moce to seemed like a very pointless question when the follow up response was still “it varies, contact your local WA …which are also reluctant to provide such details )… So not sure if looking at £1000 a month or £3000 …. Any sort of idea so I know what I’d be aiming for in terms of any loan j can get together and reduction on my mortgage so i know what would be affordable
20th August 2019 at 2:10 pm #86033
I’ve done some digging and one woman mentioned that because she had to pay out for another property still, the refuge gave her a reduced rate. There’s no mention at all about cost so maybe they ask woman not to say how much as it differs due to circumstances etc; also maybe it could make some women feel it’s out of their reach so they don’t go to safety. One posting mentioned that it’s more expensive than a hostel but cheaper than what you’d rent a property for. So if you where say……. Nottingham?? a room in a shared house would be £500(?)pcm.
Does this help??
It sounds like you need to stay away not just because of him but because of the danger he has put you in regarding owing money for drugs. Please, please go to safety.
Regarding your mortgage, you could also ask for a payment break. I know they do this when you loose your job so I’d be really surprised if they didn’t offer that help for someone in your situation.
Keep posting Lozzy so we know you’re ok. We’ll all be rooting for you xx
22nd August 2019 at 7:42 am #86143
Thanks Escapee 🙂 I am ok, a switch flipped inside me (detail removed by moderator) I went absolutely nuts at him and said if he ever as so much as hints of any trouble at our home I will be on the phone to police as I have absolutely nothing left to lose other than my home. I went to town on him to be fair , not so proud of really shouting and being nasty but at least I’ve aired my sheer anguish and frustation now, I just couldn’t take another minute of his self absorbed and self inflicted misery
So I doubt I’ll be the one going anywhere, going to do my d**n best to get rid of him …or say I’ll leave and cut off all payments to ant bills that help keep him living here more or less rent and board free
I’m trying not to regret too much the things I said to him last night (he’s now acting like an injured lost soul) … Although I’m sure by end of today I’ll feel remorse…. Like a normal human does (he has never ever once shown remorse !!!)
22nd August 2019 at 8:10 am #86148
OMG don’t you just hate it when they turn it back on you!! They’re just a bunch of spineless cowards.
Mine’s doing that to me at the moment. I’m getting ‘this is your doing. You’re the one that’s leaving me.’ like he’s the innocent victim in all this! God that p****s me off!
Please don’t be hard on yourself – you said what needed to be said. It might be worth while talking to WA about safe exit strategies as if you (quite rightly) stop paying for him things might get a little dodgy; just run things through with them first so there’s no nasty surprises. They highlighted a few things I wouldn’t have thought about (but then I am way to trusting, even after everything I’ve been through).
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