- This topic has 52 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 9 months ago by
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Hello, I’ve posted a lot lately but my life is unraveling rapidly!
Where do I stand on getting items from the rental property I once shared with my ex? He has advised my parents that I cannot go to the house without his permission even though I am still a legal tenant.
I was under the impression I can? -
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I dont see any reason why you cant walk straight in and get your belongings.
You still have a key? I wouldn’t let him know, but go and gather your stuff.
If there’s likely to be a problem, I would advise the police of your situation and let them know when you plan to go, so they can put a marker on your phone number/address.
Joint account, no, you both have signed up to that, so legally you are bound to it.
You need to speak to the bank and explain the abuse, they have special teams to help. They can advise you what they can do once they’ve looked at your account.
I hope you manage to get it all sorted safely.
Warmest wishes
TS
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Yes you can freeze the account without the other joint account holders permission. You put it into dispute, This means neither party can use the account and run up debt or remove money or use it for direct debits etc. This happened to me. I also believe either party can close the account if it’s in credit and not frozen. To have your name removed or his name removed requires both signatures. Ring the bank and speak to them quickly before more debt is accrued. My ex froze the account meaning I needed his signature to get my name off. It was a nightmare. He could have just closed it.
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If the account is not frozen then either party can remove the money. My ex emptied the account then froze it. Once the account is frozen neither party can remove the money without the others permission. I wasn’t even allowed to removed my name from a frozen account that was in credit! My ex knew this and it caused me so much pain. Eventually I had to get my solicitor to deal with it as part of my divorce. My advice is if you still have access to the account then empty it. That way you’re in control of the money.
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Once you’ve emptied it then close it. Make sure you deal with any direct debit that affect you. Once my ex emptied the account then froze the account (and didn’t tell me) all my direct debits bounced and again caused me problems. He knew this. Even his child was affected by clubs that were direct debits. They really don’t care. Your bank should have a vulnerable person department.
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Thanks kip. I’ve cancelled most of the dd in my name, but the rent comes out of that account also and I in normal circumstances I’d be liable for rent but it’s my parents property.
Will it look bad on me if I empty the account? There’s not a lot in there now.
He’s still trying to bully and control by demanding the red book. He’s taken everything related to our daughter and is saying he’ll be attending any of her hospital appointments that come up x -
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If there’s not a lot in there then I wouldn’t bother. My reasoning was if there’s loads of money then if you removed it then you would be in control of that money. So could use it for rent or your child or give him half in the divorce. Once he has that money you’ll never see it again. Make sure he cannot run up debt in both your names. The only way forward is to get legal contact in place which states when he can and can’t attend appointments. Otherwise he’s taking over everything and using it to control you x
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I feel so trapped still, he’s demanding a lot refusing to give stuff of mine (paperwork and a letter relating to our child) until he can have the red book to make a copy. I know that if I give it over he won’t give it back. I can’t go to the house without permission, it’s never ending!
The fact of the matter is I haven’t stopped him seeing her just limited it a bit due to he erratic behaviour. I feel like I can’t win. I feel he has all the knowledge from his solicitor and I don’t yet because legal aid is still an issue (application can take time).
He’s basically saying legally he due to parental responsibility he can have 50/50 but of course that’s not practical due to him working. He acts like he’s untouchable 😕 -
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The resident parent should keep the red book and thats you.
Why does he want it?
Whats the big deal, i dont understand?!
Is he planning on taking your child to the gp/health visitor?
Or trying to get access to something that he cant otherwise?
Deeply suspicious.
He cannot blackmail you over this though,and yiu can ask the police to accompany you.
All they will want to know is that you have rights of access.
Warmest wishes
TS
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its like hes showing you hes keeping tabs on how your looking after her? this is what my ex did made out i wa\snt coping when i was. its to make you feel like a c**p mum – its to undermine you. with this type off dad it is a sign that you have to keep hold off the reigns and keep contact to the minimum. it sounds harsh but its much better for your child. TS is right your the resident parent you have more say thats a fact xx he could go to the health visitor and ask for a duplicate red book if he was being reasonable thats what id do. he might want to say your denying him his access to the records for your child – i thin he will try to make you look unreasonable so you have to be one step ahead. id personally make the enquiry for him about the book and say to him i found out you can request a duplicate and leave the ball in his court – better still get someone else to relay this to him if you can. it keeps you right xxxx
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He said he wants it so he can make copies which wasn’t what was agreed with my parents. He can have copies of it no problem at all but I feel if I hand it over that’s another thing he’ll have a hold on me about. I am trying to keep contact at a minimum but he’s constantly pushing all the time. Do I look unreasonable?
I’m having a lot of self doubt today, I still keep thinking its all been in my head. If it was bad how come I didn’t realise sooner and leave? He said to my parents (detail removed by moderator) – this was (detail removed by moderator) after leaving and I was trying to be reasonable by giving access. At this point he was begging me to take him back but he soon changed. I was soooo careful not to upset him, I felt on edge for sure but tried not to let that show to him.
I cant focus at all today x -
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no wonder – god im sorry your having all this with him. yes you look reasonable but you can only be reasonable in a safe way with someone abusive. i learned if they ask for the full whack with anything give them a tenth. it shuts them up and youve tried. the thing is there requests tend to be rediculous. why dont you scan the red book and get someone to drop it off to him? xx you will doubt yourself but dont. abuse puts us into a tail spin and when they use our kids its the worst feeling ever xxxx youll be ok
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I’ve done copies of anything that is relevant to our daughter so hopefully that should be that. He’s supposed to be giving me written consent for a holiday but I have a feeling he’ll withhold it from just out of spite.
He’s demands are already so off the wall I’ve never known anything like it? Is this how all separated fathers act?? I’m stunned!
I’m going to get a friend here as back up when our daughter is next handed over to him by my mum. He’s such a nasty man x -
no separated dads dont act like this but abusive ones do. its all about winning remember xx he will play dirty so be ready xx if he withholds consent that paints a picture to the court. if you give her over to him the courts will think your not too concerned thats the only thing – i have to be honest – it will be in there corner that you are ok to handover in public through your mum and unsupervised – thats what will be ordered xxxx
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Oh god I’m worried now! I’m dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t. Mum wants to call the police if he’s confrontational and aggressive. We’re both feeling anxious at the prospect as we are convinced he’ll be annoyed that he can’t have the red book. My poor little girl has no idea what’s going on.
She’s definitely an anxious sensitive child as a result but I’m hopeful she’s on the mend. Would it be a good idea to speak to the health visitor about things? I’m a little concerned that she’s regressed so much with eating and a few other things x*x -
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shouldnt sorry – when does this happen? could the lawyer write out and say contact will commence when everything has been looked into first – safety wise – from what ive read and had myself when dv is involved this is the best way xxxx how are you going to feel when shes away do you trust him ? xxxx
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Re contact there’s a lot of mixed options on it, I don’t want to be made to look bad. As it is I’m doubtful my claims of the relationship being emotionally abusive would be believed by the court anyway. He’ll deny it all. I have no proof. He still has a massive hold over me mentally as I’m scared of his temper and unpredictable behaviour plus crazy demands.
He’ll only have her for a few hours.x*x -
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he might kick off I guess so on one hand this is good evidence you might want another bystander to see this. he might play it cool if hes clever. I wouldn’t bow to him because he will become more demanding. I did this for a long time and tbh it traumatised my daughter and me so I wouldn’t advise it- he started to throw objects at my face infront of my child xxxx much love diymum
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this is horrible – but also your get out trump card – contact centre for supervised access all the way now. its best for you all. he sounds dangerous to be honest. don’t underestimate him. threatening and abusive behaviour that was all it took for us. third neutral party for emails maybe not your mum xxxx hope you guys are ok xxxx
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This post from DIYmum might shed some light on court and your rights meantime….
You are completing this form because there are allegations that the child(ren) listed in this form may have suffered or be at risk of suffering domestic abuse, violence/abuse.
“Domestic violence/abuse” means any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality.
The Children Act 1989 defines the following terms as:
“Harm” means ill treatment or damage to health and development, including, for example, damage suffered from seeing or hearing the ill treatment of another.
“Development” means physical, intellectual, emotional, social or behavioural development.
“Health” means physical or mental health.
“Ill-treatment” includes sexual abuse and forms of ill-treatment which are not physical. -
if I hadn’t stopped the contact for this reason my daughter would have needed long term therapy – for life I believe. don’t let this continue – I can say we had to inevitably stop contact even from supervised. I watched my daughter playing yesterday – shes so happy now in comparison to what she was. its a hard choice but the right one xxxx
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Please tell hv gp police all this, how very scared you are.
This has to stop. You are still living your life under the threat of his abuse.
There is no reason you have to hand over your child to him with such massive concerns!
Write your concerns. Tell him, this has to stop, him bullying you over the red book, its over and contact is over. Warn the police this is what you are doing and how scared you are of his reaction.
Emotional can turn physical in a split second when resistence is met.
This is what you live under the threat of still, despite being apart.
Take back control of your life, and keep it.
Don’t let the police tell you to comply with him either if thats the reaponse you get.
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Yep. Do not downplay his behaviour. You’ve become used to it and probably minimise it. You need to overplay your fears. You are in fear for your safety and that of your child. You fear it will escalate into physical abuse, you’re in constant fear for your safety and hers. You fear he will abduct her, he’s already threatened not to return her. He’s been aggressive towards your mother. She fears for her safety. The police could speak to him and perhaps caution him over his behaviour. If you do another handover then secretly record him.
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Thanks ladies for your wonderful comments and great advice 💗
Given all of the behaviour surrounding handovers and contact in general which I have had to step away from it appears that prohibitive steps is the way forward. If I let her go with him next time then that would look bad for me. He had shown that even with the police present he cannot control his agitated state. I am doing more damage it seems by supposedly doing the right thing. I dread to think how he’ll react to no contact! That scares me x -
You can control no contact. You can block all means and every time he tries to contact you, you can report him for harassment and stalking to the police. You can message him or get your solicitor to write a formal message telling him that if he contacts you either directly or indirectly you will report him to the police and ask for his arrest. He’s going to be angry because he’s losing control and the means to directly abuse you again. But he’s angry anyway. This way you don’t have to put up with his anger x it is scary, that’s why he does it. To intimidate and bully. If he’s done this in front of the police then they should have acted x
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