Tension building up

[Gerbil]

Good morning everyone
It has been very calm here for the past six weeks. He hasn’t put me down, he has been helpful in the hou
se, he has not picked on our daughter, he has not caused arguments, he has been almost been pleasant to live with. However I feel that he is changing. I am starting to feel as if I am walking on eggshells again. Nothing specific…just little things…I can’t describe it…I just feel like the tension is mounting.
Does anyone else feel like this at times? I don’t think I can cope if he turns “horrible” again. Any thoughts on this would be really appreciated x

[KIP.]

It’s called the cycle of abuse. Lots more on google but if you look back I bet you have loved in this cycle of abuse for a very long time. The ‘love bombing’ phase when he is nice and helpful. Over the top in the beginning, then comes the walking on eggshells as he begins to build up to an outburst, then back to the love bombing, being nice, honeymoon phase which keeps us hooked in an abusive relationship. And round and round we go until we get off that roundabout x

[GalaxyHoney]

KIP is right. Painfully right 🙁

It took me a while to recognise and understand the behaviour. I spent a long time blaming myself, thinking I had done something wrong. It had to be me, because his behaviour changed from wonderful to woeful and I had to be the cause of that, right? Who else could it have possibly been other than me?

It was never my fault, and it’s not yours either, Gerbil <3

It is, as KIP says a roundabout – constantly moving – and we are the only ones that can make it stop. Not the abuser. Us. Together. x

[Grey Rock]

Yes. I remember it well. Like the first little rumblings of an earthquake that my subconscious picked up on. That’s your gut speaking to you. I learned to trust mine. It always knew best.

GR x

[Gerbil]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I can remember years ago I questioned to myself if he was bi polar as I didn’t understand his behaviour! It is only from all the info on here and additional reading that I now understand ( a bit) about the cycle of abuse.
The past few days though , I feel like I am constantly having a mini panic attack. In some ways as I am beginning to understand his behaviour, I know now what will come. I struggle to breathe and have to try to regulate my breathing by taking deep breaths. And this is just in the build up stage! ( Is the build up stage a thing? Or have I made it up?)
Take care everyone x

[Trying-to-heal]

The ‘build-up’ stage is definitely a thing. You can sense the change in so many ways. Things they’d do when they were ‘nice’ slowly ebb away. At this stage I’d ask if he was okay, to which I’d get a one word answer; usually a ‘yes’ but in a tone which confirmed he wasn’t. Or I’d ask what’s wrong, and he’s say ‘nothing’ when there clearly was. For years I’d ask him ‘what have I done?’ only to be told ‘nothing’, yet he’d be rude to me. This would build to verbal aggression, where everything I’d ever done ‘wrong’ would fall out of his mouth, along with how horrible my friends and family were (on good days, he loved my friends and family). This type of behaviour messes with your mind.

I was with my abuser for decades, hoping to ‘fix’ him. There were times when he was ‘good’ for months, but the ‘bad’ ALWAYS returned.

The sad fact is, only we can remove ourselves from this confusing, unsettling and scary merry-go-round. Sending you strength x

[nbumblebee]

Hey sweetie, yes im in month (removed by moderator) of a quiet spell every now and then he carefully pops in a nasty comment but nothing compared to usual. I too dread each day am walking on hot coals waiting for him to reach his boiling point, it will happen I just dont know when.
The others are right its a cycle its how they keep us here if theh were always horrible no doubt we wouldnt stay so long and they know that.
Take care of yourself use this quiet time to build yourself plan learn and above all stay safe x

[Hereforhelp]

I agree with what’s been said. Yes the buid up is a thing. As trying-to-heal said, mine would come home in a a very obvious mood (he would be fine on the phone at work before he came home) so it would be a surprise that he was in a mood. I would ask what’s up, you alright, he would say he is fine and that there’s nothing wrong. I would make us a hot drink all the time feeling that build up of anxiety as I had no idea what was wrong but he would clearly be annoyed/angry about something. If I asked him again what’s wrong he would day ‘there wasn’t anything wrong, I was just tired but now YOU are making me annoyed and YOU are creating a problem that wasn’t there’

I now know he is just an abusive t**t who will never change as nothing is HIS fault, nada, he would blame anyone for his mistakes as he is incapable of taking any responsibility… no abusers take responsibility, even when they claim to own their behaviour.

Keeping a journal helped me when I was where you are, you are starting to see it, you know there’s something wrong, keeping a journal (I did it on my phone which I kept with me at all times) helped me see the patterns of my abusive soon to be ex husband.

Keep posting and take it one day, even one hour at a time…. baby steps and be kind to yourself ❤

[Bananaboat]

Oh my gosh you’re right, he used to ring me in the day happy as Larry so I’d look forward to him coming home…but then in walks a completely different person, angry, usually drinking and everything would be my fault.

[Bananaboat]

Keep yourself safe in this stage because like you say, you know something is coming. It’s cruel how they toy with us and don’t underestimate they know what they’re doing. If you’re not already start keeping notes in a calendar or a journal so you can see the cycle – makes it easier to stop convincing yourself it’s something you’ve done. Then as others said, once he blows you feel relief which keeps us hooked. As others have said Dr Ramani on YouTube is really useful. We’re all here and understand xx

[Gerbil]

I have just been reading through this post which I posted roughly a month ago. Well the tension really had mounted. Every second he is at home, he is getting at me for something. I can’t begin to describe what it is like. As I am lying in bed now and can’t sleep, I have just realised that my heart is racing. I would not describe it as a panic attack, just extreme anxiety I presume. I just feel so anxious waiting for the next put me down or complaint. I do worry about the affect this stress is putting on my body.
Take care everyone x

[GrumbleBear]

I’m going through this right now. Does something nice or says something nice, then it’s a veiled horrible comment or a little dig. Don’t know what’s coming next but feel guilty for questioning the nice moments. Just know that it’s building up to something!

Can you get out for a walk by yourself, some fresh air and time to just breathe?

[Author]

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