3rd October 2021 at 10:01 pm #132183PloddingParticipant
Hi again can anyone help with this one ? Iv had yet another chat with my h to attempt to reason with him and get an acknowledgment on his behaviour towards me . I’m working towards this because this feels the only way I can move forward and make my decision to consider ending things , I know I’m not going to get validation from him but I’d hoped to get a yes I know Iv not been nice and my behaviour is wrong as nicely as it sounds . Iv probably written about this before so appologies . I don’t know where to start . It always goes the same . I’ll have great lines and he tells me that he doesn’t know what he is doing wrong so how can he acknowledge anything . When I give him examples of what’s upset me he says how can I think those things about him. Iv been really honest, the things I think of him apparently are really upsetting him as he says it is me and he isn’t doing those things . He focuses on one particular issues every time and says that I’m getting it wrong . He seems really convincing /genuine so it’s hRd not to believe what he says but I did tell him tonight I’m don’t know what to believe . I was honest and said I thought he did things deliberately to get a reaction, triggers are occasions when he thinks Iv disagreed with him . He told me that it’s the way I speak to him , how I put things across , as though I am getting at him . I’m quite a gentle person so I really don’t think I am coming across that way . He had seen my search on my phone one day that I’d been looking up about hidden cameras, he happened to hit the search button by mistake apparently as he was doing something to help me with my phone and saw the history . I usually delete this. I ended up having to be honest about how he’s made me feel which led me to feel paranoid. He is mortified that I would even think he would do this . Iv examined I feel his behaviour is odd sometimes and he thinks my behaviour is getting weirder and my responses are getter odder . He says if I think this of him how can we continue ? I agree really but didn’t want the conversation to go this way at all. It always ends the same . I never feel I get anywhere and always end up sounding like the bad one and that I’m making stuff up 😟
4th October 2021 at 6:29 am #132187KIP.Participant
You will never ever win in a conversation with an abuser. What he’s doing is a typical abuser tactic. He’s moving the spotlight from his abusive behaviour onto your behaviour leaving you looking at yourself and spinning. It’s gaslighting, lies and manipulation and it leaves us feeling depressed and anxious. It’s extremely damaging to mental health. He knows exactly what he’s doing and how it makes you feel and threatening to end the relationship is his way of shutting you up. Abusers always move the goal posts so if you agree to end the relationship which is a very dangerous thing to do, he will escalate his abuse or backtrack. Contact your local women’s aid for help. I was left with terrible mental health injuries because of his behaviour. You don’t need his acknowledgment to move forward. You just need to look at his actions. Write a journal of all the abusive episodes and take a step back and read that through the eyes of a friend. Looking to him for validation of his own abuse is pointless. Start putting yourself first. He won’t change but you can x their behaviour is crazy making verbal salad. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he has the same moral compass as you because he has none. Lies, deceit, manipulation come very naturally to him and he has no remorse or sympathy.
4th October 2021 at 8:36 am #132189EyesopeningParticipant
I have to thank you for posting this, it’s just like taking me back in time to when I was in the relationship.
I cannot believe how similar all our experiences are sometimes.
This would be exactly how the story went for me if I ever confronted my ex. I only did this when he seemed approachable, then ofcourse he was the hurt puppy, sad about what I was saying. Absolute invalidation of my feelings. Because he absolutely didn’t care how I felt. Particularly the ‘well then we should break up’ part, everytime – threatening to end the relationship. Which of course does end the conversation and puts you off bringing things up again. It’s all abusive tactics. I know it can be so so hard to see through them because we love them and they are such great actors! Even now I can remember him being so convincing it confuses me. It helped me to keep a journal, you can then notice the pattern and see it in black & white.
Someone here said to me once, which really stood out to me ‘It’s not your job to teach him basic respect’.
Which is so true, did I really want to be with someone who didn’t know how to show me basic respect? But ofcourse anyway they know how to show respect, they just don’t want to.
I couldn’t leave whilst I was still thinking I could talk to him and talk about my feelings, tell him why I was unhappy, that I could reason with him, that I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to hear my side and may even change for me, (he may change for a little bit, but always went back again)
I couldn’t leave if I still was confronting him because I would always come out the other side confused, but thinking that we are ok, that he isn’t all that bad. But that’s their goal ofcourse. The only way I managed to leave was by stopping these kinds of conversations, I stopped expressing my concerns, I went within myself, I came here for validation, I wrote in my diary, talked to people who loved me. Then you can start to see with some more clarity, because they are not gaslighting and confusing you so much.
I am glad you posted this, because after leaving I have felt huge guilt, I felt guilt because for 7 months before leaving I hadn’t confronted him about anything, I didn’t correct him when he said ‘I think we are in a really good place because we never argue anymore’. The truth was I stopped bringing things up and let them slide knowing I was leaving soon. Knowing there was no point. That life was easier when I kept my thoughts to myself. Getting sucked in is so tiring and confusing, I gained strength not confronting him.
The last time I confronted him, I was planning to leave, but he got angry & scared me, he somehow talked me around and I stayed for another 7 months.
I felt bad because he didn’t know it was coming, it was a shock to him(though in some ways I don’t think it was – he had dreams that I left him right before I left), I felt bad because I didn’t tell him what was bothering me. But now I remember WHY I did it that way.
Keep posting and remember your truth.
4th October 2021 at 8:49 am #132190nbumblebeeParticipant
Hey sweetie, firstly wow how brave are you for asking him for confronting him wow that took guts. Sadly they dont see the world as we do. Any normal person will take a long look at themselves if somebody said what you did he just shrugs it off and blames you thats what these people do its all part of their control i guess.
I admire and understand why you did this i still have this romantic vision of my husband saying sorry giving me a big hug and telling me he didnt knkw he didnt realise and that he would change and as long as i hang onto that I can carry on here because to me theres still a chance that he may one day see.so i totally and utterly understand why you feel the need too.
Ive tried very carefully to do this but never pushed it as im afraid i may hear and see what you have that hes got gonna see that hes not gonna change. Sweetie i dont believe your h will change but i believe you are and can change, concentrate on you, getting yourself stronger filling yourself with knowledge and strength so you can go out there and live the life you deserve cause i believe you deserve so much more than this. Stay strong xxxx
4th October 2021 at 9:47 am #132191EyesopeningParticipant
I just wanted to add. For me it was necessary on my journey to confront him many times until I knew for sure there was no more point, I needed to try, I needed to see if he cared, if would listen, if he would change.
I would not have been able to leave without this proof. Without trying my best first.
So don’t feel bad that you are trying & confronting, it’s all a part of you trying to understand the situation, you are the good, kind, reasonable person in this relationship, hoping you can uncover his goodness. Once we see it’s not there, then we can focus on ourselves x*x
12th October 2021 at 10:02 am #132400PloddingParticipant
Thank you for your responses
It has been really helpful xx
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