Terribly confused

[Ria3]

I have been with my husband for less than (detail removed by Moderator) years and married him only (detail removed by Moderator) months after we met. From the start I dramatically adapted the person I was to suit him. I was a typical (detail removed by Moderator) girl but he was (detail removed by Moderator)from a (detail removed by Moderator) and, while I didn’t convert, I did have to change my behaviour in many many ways to suit his religious and cultural sensibilities. I lost basically all of my friends and my family grew to hate my husband very rapidly. As he didn’t have much English I had to arrange everything in our lives. I even had to start our own business so that he could have work and I left my job to work day in day out with him at that which isolated me further. One day we had an argument over something religious, something about women that I took offense to. I lost my temper and remember standing up from the sofa and saying that what he was saying was stupid as I was walking out. He then grabbed my arm from behind while tripping me up with one foot so that I was spun around and he used his free hand to hit me with the back of his hand incredibly hard across my face so that I was thrown across the room to the floor. It was the first time anyone had ever hit me.

After that incident there were more over the course of (detail removed by Moderator) years. I became depressed and started drinking in secret while home alone which of course led to more problems with my (detail removed by Moderator) husband. On various occasions he hit me, but me so hard and for so long that I had a huge swollen black bruise on my arm for weeks after, he threatened me with glass bottles and in the end split my nose open one evening after which he was arrested for ABH. I didn’t give a statement.

Now, for reasons out of his control he has been away for (detail removed by Moderator) months and I am under huge pressure to split with him from my family. I do want to break up and be free and happy but every time I try I start to feel terrible panic and can’t stay strong after a couple of days, me revealing to him my sadness is enough for him to pounce and begin acting as though everything is back to normal again and I, scared to go back to feeling the anxiety of the breakup, don’t have the strength to fight it.

I’ve come here as a place to find support and advice as I go through this time in my life.

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. Can you contact your local woman’s aid? Phone the helpline on here. Google ‘trauma bonding’. That was a real lightbulb moment for me. Many women, me included, go back to dangerous men again and again. They have an incredible hold on us. It’s confusing when they act like everything is normal when it is far from normal. It makes us doubt ourself. Use the time he’s away to get help. It will be much much harder when he is about. Start with the helpline x

[Ayanna]

Hi, Ria3, welcome to the forum.
This man seems to be very dangerous. Be aware that abuse gets worse over time. The abuser never ever changes, whatever he tells you. He will just manipulate you and then abuse you more. Every week two women are killed by abusive men in this country.
Now you have the chance to end this relationship. It is very painful to see all your hopes and dreams slip away.
But nothing is more important than your life and health.
He had no feelings for you when he hurt you. He does not care about your feelings. Why should you care about him? What for?
Put yourself first! Hugs! x*x

[Author]

Posts