terrified about AVE (video) interview

[maddog]

I am still swinging between the reality of my husband raping me, and not being believed. I am struggling to believe myself although it is grindingly obvious to me that I cannot consent to sexual activity when I am asleep. He used to wake me up by prodding his penis against my vagina or sticking his fingers into it and poking around. He used to call it affection. I found it frightening. It is hard to tell the difference when of course we did have consensual sex but often it was not, and it caused huge problems.

I have already done an AVE and it was really a big waste of time. Do they just want to hear the word Rape coming from me?

I have learned so much from Freedom, and here. Rape is a word that I struggle with, although there is so much sex that I didn’t consent to.

[fridges]

There is no better person than you to put the explanation to what he did to you. It happened without your wish, without your approval, without your part there. Do not think what other will decide for you. You have to decide for yourself and only you have the right for this. These people have not been there and in your position what he was doing to you. It is only you who need to go through this horrible nights. And only you have the right to say what was done to you without justification and approval of others. You are the one who felt all. These people have not been in your place.
I was not able to put word rape to me, as I was running away from it, I have tried so hard to keep the appearance, I’m fine, that if I would not say this word and that I was abused, raped, it did not happen. I did not want to be a victim for myself. I did not want to be a failure.
It is like if I’m not saying it, it is like did not happened and I do not need to deal with it. Now I have accepted it happened and only after this I’m able to start process of healing this parts of me.
I hope that you are not together with him, so you can heal. As long as he around healing is not possible.
Mine raped me number of times and of course after promising me, that he will not do it again and will listen when I do not want. It was all fake promises – he raped me again and again. Ignoring how I was feeling about it, and how it makes me feel. Until the last time – when I took decision, never again, I would take his word to stay alone with him in any place. Till today I kept my word to myself and slowly taking my life back.
I did not report him, but I think that I might will in the future, when I feel more secure and safe.
Now I’m still very weak and have no stamina to do it, still very very hurt.

[maddog]

We are still under the same roof until the house is sold. My husband is Mr Perfect in Every Way, so has never apologised for his behaviour. He has defended it to the hilt. Towards the end of our relationship I felt that I had had so much taken that I had nothing to give. If I put my hand on him, he would pick it up and move it. I told him I hated being used as a sex toy, a thing. Cue self-defence. I told him to at least make sure I was awake before he started prodding and poking me. It made no difference.

I feel so stupid.

[KIP.]

It’s not your fault. I was asked to describe the act. So I was penetrated vaginally by his penis. It feels really awkward using this terminology but that’s how I was expected to respond. I never used the word rape in my interview. That’s for the police to decide. Make sure you have something planned after your interview. Be with a friend or family member and do something calming. There was an awful aftershock when I gave interviews. I’m glad I did it. I feel empowered. How dare he.

[maddog]

I may go with a friend. I don’t know yet. My ISVA says she knows too much about the situation to come with me. Yes, there’s a lot of anatomy to describe! I don’t know how I will cope with the doing sex AT me as though I was a sex toy. It was horrible. It was often like that. I didn’t know what to do so I grinned and bore it. Because of the previous rape, I thought it was a quirk although one I didn’t like. He asked me what I liked. I struggled to answer. My STBX doesn’t take perceived criticism well and is only ever right, and to tell him that I just wanted to feel loved, wanted and cherished seemed inappropriate when he would have enjoyed watching me masterbate while he did himself. That never happened. He had this idea that I really enjoyed watching him w**k and that I was an accessory to him. He didn’t ask. He just did.

Mostly no small talk, just poking around before full sex. I knew he wanted sex because of the poking around, and often I let him. I really don’t know what choice I had. I just remember often thinking, I’m not enjoying this. He boasted endlessly about how he could maintain an erection as though that’s what made him a fantastic lover. Penis, vagina. End of.

[Chickadee]

Hi Maddog.

My last child was conceived during non consenual sex. I was asleep. So exhausted. I awakened and realized he was there when he was climaxing in me. When I questioned him a couple times about having sex with me while I was asleep, he said I just love you so much. He made me feel at fault. But I felt uncomfortable and it is scary. It is rape and it is wrong.

The taking your hand or arm or moving away serves several things for them: with holding of affection, control, emotional distress, belittling, reduces your self esteem (feel unwanted). It is about power and control, there is no caring.

Maintain your solid grasp on the reality of it.
And acknowledge your difficulty is that you are a human and this is not a person that is supposed to do this to you.

Here, when you need to talk. Hugs.

Chickadee

[maddog]

Thank you. I am feeling very gloomy about it all. I wasn’t left feeling, oh hell, he’s raped me. More a discomfort that I didn’t have any control and it wasn’t love. A feeling that it wasn’t me he wanted, just a body with holes in it. That it would really be better if he saw a prostitute. I often felt like an unpaid prostitute. It was the final time I woke up to find his fingers poking around in my vagina when I called him up on it, when he told me it was his way of showing affection, that I was his wife, and that he would never touch me again. He never has touched me again.

I think in truth I have been afraid of him. I have told him in the past that he frightens me. Not the terror I feel towards him now, but an underlying fear. Always in the wrong, always not quite good enough.

I know he hates me and I know he hates women. He has told me, not just in his rages. Then to the outside, he appears entirely reasonable, normal even.

[Chickadee]

Your Welcome. Everyone, in general, wants to be loved, valued, appreciated, and known for who they are. No one wants to be an object. I get it.

You confronted him about it, his response is to cut you off completely, that is him still re-taining power, control, and punishing, either way. Withholding of sex/affection, is also an abuse tactic.

Abuser Win/Win. He wins if he is getting it, he wins if he is not. Because it is all about Control and Power.

The fear grows as you realize what they are capable of. Whether they have done it yet, or not.

Mine told me he and a woman he was involved with and conceived a child with had a huge blow up right before her fatal head on crash, he boasted about it, he considered himself the cause of the accident and is proud of it. He stated he is glad she is dead, she kept his child from him, (gee I wonder why, she is a saint), and he stated now he doesn’t have to deal with her, and he gets all the money from her death, (because he went after the child for the death benefits $$) he told me so. He told me he wishes his ex was dead so he wouldn’t have to deal with her. I said well you probably don’t care if I’m alive and one day you will want me dead so you don’t have to deal with me. He said, yes. He has very hateful and disrespectful behavior towards females, in general, as well. They have a false charm, they are cons, they wear a mask.

Always here when you need to talk. Hugs.

Chickadee

[maddog]

I keep thinking that my experience is not nearly as bad as what others have gone through. It is weird that my STBX really has no friends and no close relations. When he has done something really awful he seeks solace from his eldest daughter although she is generally distant. I don’t know my step children at all.

I understood why he has no friends: It’s because of an underlying hatred of people, especially women. I really need to remember that other people in the community have reported him to the police. I don’t know the details.

It is all horrible. I just want closure. It’s been such a long time. I just don’t really know if I’m ready to go through it all. Where to start?

It took a long time going through the historic rape. That was the 2nd interview as well. Gah. I worry that I am not going to be believed and that I will undermine myself.

[Chickadee]

I was raised to believe that someone else always has it worth. Reflecting, my parents did a great job, as that instilled empathy in me and I always practice it.

Mine didn’t really have any either. Some seem to have some because of all the charm and the mask they wear, but either way. I love people and I’m very social. But I was isolated by him in the relationship. Questioned about everything I did. What are you going to the neighbor’s for, (because his wife just died), well why do you have to bring a plate of food, (because it is what you do when there is a loss as they may not be eating), and of course then I was excused of cheating. Mine has been repeatedly reported to the police by people as well. He also uses the children in many ways and in his cons.

My kids and I were living in peace and happiness, until he started up again and he became worse and started involving the little one’s in it. It has been way too long, it’s ridiculous.

You can do it. You already started by standing up to him with the rape and the people that are guiding you with that.

The more pure and innocent we actually are the more that we appear to undermine ourselves, at least with the wrong people looking at a case. There are good people out there, just be strong, keep believing, and it will all work out.

I’ll be here when you need to talk again. Hugs!

Chickadee

[maddog]

I have been told that it undermines my case because I’ve already made a statement and didn’t mention very much. Strangely it didn’t seem to matter with the other case.

I don’t want to go over the same old, the same old. I had forgotten about my husband’s penis poking until the dog incident when she stretched her paw into my groin. I’m sure there is masses still hidden in my mind. I am already remembering things I would prefer not to. Anyway, I still don’t really know if I have just endured years of appalling sex which barely involved me however hard I tried, or something else. I don’t know if I consented to having things done at me. I do feel that my attempts at communication were regularly blocked or ignored.

[Author]

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