30th July 2022 at 11:29 pm #147808LivethroughthisParticipant
My partner has always been emotionally abusive and I have swept it under the carpet. He blames my mental Illness, depression severe anxiety. He makes out that I put a lot of pressure on him because of this and I bring misery into the household. This kills me as I’m trying so hard.
He also loses his temper and rages not only at me but my child. Tonight I’m terrified and alone and confused. (detail removed by moderator) he got into a huge rage with my young child. Something very much that could have been dealt with simply and was in no way huge. But he lost his temper with her and I instantly went into a freeze response which I’m so ashamed of. His yelling at her was awful to hear she was clearly distressed and he (detail removed by moderator).
I froze and he gave me a mouthful screaming in my face about how it was my fault that she behaves this way. I felt so terrified and ashamed I could not do anything.
This morning I asked her what happened from her point of view. She said
“(detail removed by moderator)”
I honestly don’t know if it’s normal, acceptable. I do know that If I dare to question it he will be so terrifying and be my fault I’ll be the crazy one – I will have weeks of silent treatment and it will be my fault. So I’m in a no win situation, stuck here. And I can’t even run away with them cos he would anihalate me. He’s told me before that I wouldn’t stand a chance of custody.
I’m so scared.
31st July 2022 at 1:33 pm #147827StrongenoughParticipant
I am so sorry you are experiencing this, and I hope you and your child are safe. Its not right and its not your fault. Please reach out to your local Women’s Aid or someone else you can trust, a GP maybe? Keep posting on here if you feel it helps, there are a lot of great women on here who have experience of the things your dealing with. Stay strong and take care x
31st July 2022 at 6:53 pm #147833HereforhelpParticipant
Hi livethroughthis, please be kind to yourself, you have been living with this cycle of abuse and the freeze is part of that as you are terrified and your brain can struggle to accept heat is happening in front of you. Take a breath, you are on here as you know what he did is wrong, you are also a victim, having said that there are laws against what he is doing to you.
As Strongenough has said, reach out … I went to my trusted female gp and broke down telling her somethings my husband had done, she listened and helped me find the right support. Then I emailed my Citizens Advice Bureau asking what I could do in my situation with kids and an abusive husband of many many years… thry emailed back and support me even now (I am (detail removed by moderator) now, I was also terrified of my husband, he is a high earning piller of society type, so nice to others when he wants to be).
You husband will continue to blame you (anyone) and will not change.
Keeping a journal helps (I didn’t know where to start, my DA worker said for me to think of my first memory of his abuse, the worst and the last time… that helped me to remember more and more).
Read up on Domestic Abuse.. Pat Cravens Living with the Dominater is a good book to start with.. there’s another book by Lundy Bancroft which I think is called Why Does He Do That? Knowledge is power, once you see the abuse you cannot unsee it.
Take baby steps, what you are living through right now is trauma, you are doing great you really are… my husband once did something really over the top and got physical with MY (detail removed by moderator) year old.. I still went back and stayed for far to many years.
Keep posting ❤️ you are not alone
31st July 2022 at 9:28 pm #147837LivethroughthisParticipant
Thank you so much for the replies. I don’t know what I expected I guess I thought people would judge me for being a terrible mother and putting up with this.
Just as an update, I left, with the kids and went to a mutual friends. He found out and went ballistic with me, saying (detail removed by moderator). Now I’m questioning my sanity because he says all he did was “(detail removed by moderator)”
So now I’m thinking maybe I over reacted. But is it ok? Is it abuse? She’s not hurt but she def got a fright and was very distressed, he was yelling at her “(detail removed by moderator)!!” (Similar blaming shaming stuff he’d say to me in a rage but this time my daughter got it) The words were very shaming and even if he ONLY (detail removed by moderator) there was no need to. She wasn’t being violent.
But the problem is I feel like I’m losing it, he’s convinced me I was triggered and over reacted so I’ve ended up apologising. He is furious I went to our friends to get away; and he’s said that she agrees with him. “She knows I’d NEVER hurt my kids how dare you insinuate I would?”
He thinks I’m unstable and I’m questioning my sanity honestly I am. I know what I heard and I know what my daughter said this morning to me.
I’m also scared that if I DO tell my doctor for instance, she will be duty bound to report it? Then what? I’m terrified if I did because honestly he would just make out I’m mental, if he can convince our friend of this, then he can definitely convince a stranger. I will then be in a worse position cos I’d lose access to my kids.
3rd August 2022 at 8:52 pm #147987Squiggle1000Participant
This could be me apart from he has physically grabbed and pinned my child down. But all my fault she behaves like that (she has ADHD). You won’t loose your kids. You’ve done something super brave – I am taking my time and checking out options as I just know I can do this forever. I have weeks of not speaking to me, being told its his house and he won’t give me half, Im not entitled to an opinion (all because I got some debts built up which I am paying for) – just says no to everything I say with no explanation and gets cross with me if things aren’t done exactly the way he wants. My kids are just constantly scared of getting things wrong in case he gets cross. I am stuck financially as can’t rent/ get credit. And he knows it. Speak to Womens Aid – get clarity on what abuse actually is so you have some clear definitions and boundaries. Its manipulative and half of is meant to make you doubt yourself. Stay strong. I am trying with you!
3rd August 2022 at 9:46 pm #147989EyesopeningParticipant
Hey, I’m sorry for what your going through.
I had to write something,
your post really struck me, I think it could of been something similar to what my mother may have posted when we were kids. She froze, she never left. I ended up in an abusive relationship and my sister also, she still has ptsd from my fathers behavior and chronic fatigue, I have ptsd from my ex partner’s behavior. We both find partners just like our father was as that is what is normal to us(subconsciously)
I just wanted to stress how much damage is actually done to children in this environment.
I can’t give any other advice as I left my partner and we had no kids. But i can tell you its the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance that confuses you, its so so hard i know, i wish you luck and strength, keep reaching out and learning about abuse x*x
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