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    • #105082
      Trina2020
      Participant

      Hi everyone. I’m new to this forum so this is my first post. I just need to get everything I’ve been through off my chest…

      I’ve been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator). Throughout that time we have had some really great times and built a successful life together… but we’ve also been through some horrific awful times, namely due to his verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting, wild mood swings (I am convinced he is bi-polar) and his need for constant attention from women leading to lots of flirting, lying, hiding things and at least one incident of infidelity (that I know about).

      My husband can be on top of the world, say how lucky and blessed and happy he is, say he has everything in life he wants and needs etc and then in the blink of an eye can be moody, snappy, irritable and looking for an argument. During these moods, I am not allowed to acknowledge he is in a mood or discuss or ask about it. If I do, he flies off the handle and absolutely adamantly denies any such mood and swears blind absolutely nothing is wrong. He then says he is now in a mood because of ME telling him he is in a mood and that before I mention anything he was absolutely fine and nothing was wrong. I have been conditioned over time to therefore not mention he is in a mood when he clearly is and to try and pretend everything is normal. However it’s clear it’s not normal and something is definitely up as he will literally be looking for/waiting for a reason to blow up at me, hence taking whatever mood he is in out on me. If I try to take myself away and go watch tv in another room etc, he blows up and says IM the one in the mood and with the problem because I’ve gone off by myself. It’s exhausting navigating these wild mood swings.

      When we argue, he will say something then adamantly deny he said it two minutes later. For instance he could say ‘I was angry’ so I’ll say ‘so you were angry then, I was right?’ And then he’ll say ‘I never said I was angry. I said you THOUGHT I was angry’ and twist and manipulate what he’s literally just said. It makes you feel like you’re going mad! It’s impossible to ever get your point across or discuss or debate any kind of disagreement because he will just do this over and over again during the conversation, any time you make a point or he has no answer or explanation – he’ll just deny saying things and twist what he’s just said.

      We are literally incapable of having any kind of disagreement calmly. He will always blow up and then turn nasty and abusive. He regularly calls me horrible personal disgusting vile names. My dad committed suicide years ago and he was absolutely horrible to me during that time. He wouldn’t let me keep my dads pet, he wouldn’t let me cry or grieve and he actually laughed at one point and said that (detail removed by moderator) he could treat me as he wished! To this day, years later, he regularly says during these mood swings and arguments that it’s my fault my dad died as he didn’t want to be around me anymore because I’m a horrible person and I cause all the problems and nobody likes me. He insults my family, tells me I am unstable and I need sectioning etc – lots of horrible abuse.

      Then, he gives me the silent treatment for days. During this time he won’t even answer simple questions like whether he’s out the bibs out – he just blanks me as though I’ve not spoken. When HE is bored of not speaking or HE has calmed down days later he expects to say he is sorry and for me to accept his apology immediately without any mention, discussion or explanation of why he kicked off in the first place. If I don’t accept it immediately or want to talk about it and communicate – he closes up again, either becoming abusive again or going back to the silent treatment. He says I carry on every argument and I hold a grudge and can’t let things go – simple because I want to discuss the fact that he has not spoke to me for days in end, called me horrible awful names and blown up – and I have no idea why!

      Usually it turns out that this behaviour is because one of a couple of reasons – either someone or something else has p*ssdd him off (work, family, friends) and I get it taken out on me. OR he is doing or going to do something inappropriate or unacceptable and he feels guilty so he starts a fight so he doesn’t feel as bad for lying or cheating or flirting or whatever else he’s up to behind my back.

      A woman contacted me (detail removed by moderator) to tell me she had had (detail removed by moderator) long fling with him after he met her and told her he was divorced! I should have left him then but he begged me to go to counselling and we went to counselling for (detail removed by moderator), spending hundreds and I actually thought it had worked. He seemed to grow up, be open to communicating, listening, compromising, being more honest when he had stuff on his mind instead of just insisting he didn’t and then taking it all out on me. We set boundaries and learnt a lot and I really thought, for the first time in years and years, we had turned a corner and we might actually be able to be happy and make the marriage a success. But he has now gone back to his old ways. Locking his phone, disappearing out for drives and turning his phone off, moody, irritable and exploding without any explanation of what’s wrong or why. Name calling and verbal and emotional abuse.

      Sometimes I feel so low I don’t know how I can carry on. If money was no object and I’d won the lottery I wouldn’t hesitate to leave. But it’s so complicated. I have debts and can’t afford to live alone. If I left I’d have to move into my parents house. They have said I am welcome but I feel like a massive burden. I have pets I will not leave behind and while my parents will let me take them, they really don’t like or want my pets. This will be stressful for them and for me because I will be worrying that my pets are annoying them and making a mess etc all the time. But I don’t feel strong enough not to take them with me. I’d need to stay at my parents for at least two years to clear my debts and save enough to find a place of my own. That’s a long time to be there in their box room with my animals knowing my animals aren’t really wanted there. My parents have said I can stay with them and they’ll always offer me a home, but if I go there, it’s final. They will not support me going back to my husband as they will be moving their house around to accommodate me and buying new bedroom furniture for me etc and they don’t want to go to all the hassle themselves if in a month or two he will come begging and I’ll do what I usually do and go running back. So they’ve said if I move in with them and then I want to return to my husband, they will not offer me to move in with them again and they will wash their hands if our relationship. I am hesitant because I feel unwanted but I have no other place to go or means to go anywhere else. Also I know my husband and he will harass and beg me until I go home and I’m scared to lose the support of my parents. I don’t want to mess anyone about. I’ve moved in with them (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator) times he has not left me alone until he’s charmed and persuaded me to go back to him. He changes for a while and my shields start to come down and I start to believe he has changed forever… and then he goes back to his usual self and I am left heartbroken and disappointed and feeling worthless and miserable again. It’s a cycle that has gone on for years and years in our marriage.

      My husband knows I want to leave but he never ever makes it easy. He refuses to talk, will leave the house if I push it. He won’t discuss our joint account, finances, our house or a divorce. He just keeps telling me he isn’t up to talking right now and then ignores me for days on end and when I broach then subject again I get the same answer and before I know it weeks have gone by and we aren’t speaking and ignoring each other and the atmosphere in the house is unbearable and I have to sit in the bedroom all night avoiding him and I feel like I’m not mentally strong enough and I break down and then he just turns nastier and nastier. In the end I stay because it’s simply easier and I don’t think I have it in me to fight him for a divorce and to sell the house and give me my share. He will also want to see the pets so until they grow old and pass away he will always have an excuse to see me anyway. I don’t have any money for a solicitor and I can’t even get him to have a discussion with me about splitting. I want to pack my things and just go to my parents and leave but if I do that there’s never ever any going back and even though I don’t think I want there to be any going back, the finality it scaring me and making leaving seem a bigger deal then it needs to be. Also once I leave the house he is never going to make it easy to put it on the market and as I say, I can’t afford a solicitor to help me make him do what he legally needs to.

      I’m so sorry that this post is so long. I just had to get it all off my chest because I’m feeling like my parents are annoyed at having to have me and I feel like I’ve nowhere else to go and then I’m thinking do I just give in and go back to normal for an easy life? I’ve been with him my hole adult life and don’t anything else. Starting again halfway through my life is terrifying but so is being manipulated and lied to and gaslighted for the next half of it is just as scary. I only know when he goes out it’s like a weight has been lifted and I’m so happy and relaxed and the minute he comes home I’m scared to open my mouth, have to hide upstairs away from him and spend every waking moment crying and feeling so trapped.

      I know in paper leaving is what I need to do. I’ve come so close so many times before and I know deep down I have to do this for my own mental health and happiness. But it’s so scary not knowing what the future holds and wondering if I’m going to be okay alone or lonely and useless. I’m going to be (detail removed by moderator) and living in my parents box room. I’m scared I’ll regret this decision later on.

      If anyone can give me any advice it would be so SO appreciated. Did anyone have massive financial problems when they left? How did you cope? Will I be okay?

      If you’ve made it to the end, hats off to you! I can ramble when I get going but I’ve needed to get this all off my chest to people who don’t know me for so long. Even as I’m typing this out he is downstairs laughing hysterically at something in his (detail removed by moderator) game – not giving a stuff. While my whole world is falling apart and I’ve never felt more alone in my whole life! I can’t even talk to my friends as some of them I would be too embarrassed to tell how he treats me and others know how he treats me and they are frustrated and exasperated that I have no dignity or respect for myself and am s to ok with him so they gave up listening to me crying about him years ago. Thanks for listening x

       

    • #105092
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi Trina,

      I can totally relate to the relationship you have endured, the similarities of the behaviours of these abusers is amazing! It is also scary to leave and start again, so we get stuck in a situation that is scary to stay and scary to leave. Then we start to think to ourselves that we don’t actually want to leave this man, we just want him to be the man he was when we first met him. That funny, nice, caring, charming man that made so much effort to make us feel wanted. We hang around waiting for him to come back again. And that’s the thing, when we do leave, that man does return…

      But it is only an act. Which proves that he is aware of what a nasty, manipulative, abusive, bully he is and when we’ve finally had enough and leave he turns on his Mr Nice Guy act, just for a short while, just for long enough to lure us back again.

      Our families and friends can see how much these men are hurting us, breaking us, abusing us, and they offer us safe places to go to get away from him, but we reject their offers and we use many excuses to do so. My excuse was that they didn’t really know him like I did, what they were seeing wasn’t the real him, he was just tired, stressed, had a bad day at work etc etc. But actually, they were seeing the real him (mine wasn’t the charmer where everybody was suddenly surprised that I’d fled, he was actually awful to everyone.) So my family and friends got frustrated with me too, so I withdrew from some of them because I felt a burden to them to keep going to them telling the same old story. But to leave him seemed to create more problems than it would solve. He said he’d get full custody of our son because I was on anti-depressants, and therefore, mentally ill. Our house, although in joint names, was financially funded by me and he told me he would financially destroy me and take me for every penny he legally could so all I’d be able to get was a s**t hole in a really run down area, that if I left he’d never move out so I’d have to take him to court to get him out, and if I called the Police and he ended up losing his job and pension over it then he’d kill me and himself because he’d have lost everything.

      In my head I had my own personal boundaries of how much I could tolerate, and to this day I believe that every woman will have her own personal boundary of how much she can take. There is no right or wrong boundary. When my boundary was breached, that was the moment it was over, and I took steps to leave. I was making plans, but then something else happened and I literally fled with just my child and a suitcase of clothes. Sadly, I had to leave my pets behind and I felt so guilty about that. The court cases that followed caused me huge financial problems, lets just say my ex made a lot of money out of me and I’m still paying for that today.

      So make your plan. Your parents have offered you somewhere to stay and have welcomed your pets. It’s a start and it is a safe place. Strengthen your resolve. You know his routine, you know he’ll plead to try and win you back, so make sure you go to your parents when you are strong enough to resist this. Or seek to take out a Non Molestation Order when you do leave and get it served on him so that he cannot contact you or come to your parents address. If he breaches the Order, call the police. DV Assist are a charity that help with Non Mol Orders, Google them for their details and give them a call. NCDV are another, but they charge a fee. Do some research and talk to your local DA Service to see what support is available in your area. But the day may just come where something else happens and your boundary is breached and your parent’s house seems like a much better place to live and you could just decide to go.

      Your parents may only be a temporary option. Once you are there you will get some breathing space, some rest, and the time to create a longer term plan, seek legal advice and other accommodation options. Things evolve and unfold as we go through this journey and opportunities come up along the way. Don’t overthink the long haul now, just take one step at a time, and that first step is having a plan.

      Believe in yourself, not in the person he’s made you think you are. I wish you the very best.

    • #105155
      Rubymurray
      Participant

      following –

      as I can relate a lot. this might bump your post to the top again too for other replies

    • #105156
      YellowBird
      Participant

      Hi Trina2020, I’m also new here, also had a long first post! We have a lot to get off our chests…
      I agree with Wantstohelp re reaching a boundary in your head. I tried to leave for a long time, but was always secretly relieved when I found another reason to delay.
      Then one day I realised that I’d arrived at that boundary. It was a combination of looking at a worse future, and him turning my best friend against me. That was the last straw.
      So now I’m just waiting for the last few people to do their bit and the separating will be done. Yes, I’m still very scared of doing it, and wake up with my heart pounding madly, but I will absolutely keep going this time, fear or no fear.
      And you will too, have courage…

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