Text from a family member

[itwillbeokay]

Having a down day today. Literally am up down up down up down with each day. Feeling like I made a mistake and I should’ve just put up with weekly episodes of (drink related mostly) verbal abuse and intimidating behaviour to keep our family together. He says he’s “accepted the situation” which upsets and annoys me as it’s far from an acknowledgement of why we are in this situation! He’s the victim here and I’ve leftand taken his children away. I’m the bad one. Text from a family member asking how I’m doing – it must be hard being a single parents, hope (husband) is okay. Like this is what I want?! Yes, it is hard. I’m a mess. Not what I had in mind atall.

Feel like I will always question myself because the memories are fading as I try to move on. No reply to my question about where I am on the counselling waiting list. Feel a burden to my family as they are feel sorry for me and are having to pay to help get me back on my feet etc.

I’ve never known up and down emotions like it. Feel bad for being short tempered when my (Detail removed by moderator) year old plays up for me.

Ugh. A down day.

[Lisa]

Hi itwillbeokay,

Sorry to hear you were having a bad day. It is an emotional rollercoaster in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Give yourself time- you are doing brilliantly.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[itwillbeokay]

Lisa, thank you so much, it was lovely to see a reply and a supportive message this evening xx

[Confused-and-alone]

Hi itwillbeokay

It seems a common thread on here that women doubt the abuse they have suffered after leaving. Please don’t tell yourself that living under the fear of this kind of emotional abuse is all you are worth. You are so strong for getting yourself out of this relationship – that’s what you need to keep telling yourself. I’m still in my marriage and women like you give me the courage to believe that I will find the strength to leave soon. Living in fear of the next explosion from them is exhausting and you are so much better out of it where you can concentrate on being the great mum that you are.

On the subject of feeling like a burden – I would give every penny I had to my kids if they needed it to start over from a situation like this one day when they are grown- I certainly wouldn’t consider them a burden. And I’m sure you feel the same about your children. Remember that to your parents/family you are still their little girl and they help you gladly because they love you and want to see you happy again. Even though you feel like you’re a burden they don’t see you as one they just want to help.

Hope you are having a better day.

[BakingQueen]

Itwillbeok,

I used to feel a lot like you. I never wanted to be a single mum, heck I didn’t even really want to have my child at the age that I did. I stayed because I didn’t want to be a single mum and I’d tell him many times I couldn’t do it on my own. Then I started to believe in myself that I actually could do this by myself.

I too used to feel like a burden to my family but so many people have told me “it takes a village to raise a child” parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles; we all at some point take part in raising the youth of today and I doubt your family or friends would view you as a burden. I am sure they have understanding of how hard it is to raise children as a single parent and are most likely so proud of you for making it work as you do. I know how hard it is, so from me, WELL DONE YOU!

It may seem easier to stay in such a horrific relationship, but actually the best thing you could do is leave. And that step in itself takes so much bravery. Your first sign of putting your foot down and taking no more rubbish!

I had counseling and it was a God send. It totally changed my mindset of how I view myself as a mother and a person. I now love the fact I am a single mum, I don’t feel like a mess anymore. I understand that woman who haven’t experienced what we have can still feel useless. It’s that good old fashioned ‘mum guilt’. You will realise most of your feelings are totally normal and with the right help you can sit in a safe space to express yourself, deal with what has happened to you and have the tools to move on with the rest of your life

Good luck my love. I don’t know you, but I am proud of you. X

[itwillbeokay]

Goodness, how can I make this clear but you really have no idea how much your words mean to me. Or maybe you do I guess having been through similar but honestly, I’ve read the responses several times. In the absence of any counselling or anything really – yet – and not wanting to go on and on to anyone that will continue listening – and they do and would – I can’t tell you how much I need this forum right now.

Thank you for reassuring me it gets better and reminding me that we all seem to doubt ourselves. It’s so difficult trying to move on but trying to remember why you left at the same time! It makes your head a very messy place really. I just want to start feeling less sad and down about it all and be happier and calmer and more positive with my toddlers pretty standard toddler behaviour. I just feel down and overwhelmed that it’s just me now but actually I love the quote about the village and raising a child, that is so true. I am a naturally positive person and can see the positives very clearly – my family and friends include us in lots of lovely activities constantly, our flat is nice, we can walk to town, to the park, to the river etc – I just have cognitive dissonance I think in bucketloads. And maybe my brain won’t allow me to be happy because actually I should’ve tried harder, I should’ve stayed, I’ve broken up a family, I’ve left my husband unemployed and now all alone too, I’ve taken his sons, I’ve ruined his life. My brain makes me feel like I just upped and left without a moments thought but that’s crazy as I wouldn’t have done that, I wanted to stay together, I loved our house, (detail removed by moderator), I’d just started a brilliant new job, got our son a school for September. Something just clicked in me and I left for the last time. (Detail removed by moderator) years of my life with what I thought was the love of my life, done. Finished. Gone. I thought we really did have some sort of amazing love story, we’d been through so much together. I thought we’d get through anything. But in the end it all became too much, too often, too horrid.

So here I am. Single mother in my (detail removed by moderator), starting over and blocking someone I’ve spent every waking minute with out of my mind. It all feels very strange and scary. I’m going to try to explain to the doctor tomorrow how I’m feeling. I’m also going to start Pilates (on the TV) of an evening rather than have a couple of glasses of wine. I think it’s adding to my low mood rather than destressing me so I’m going to swap them out and see if I feel better in a week or so.

Thank you so so much for listening and reading and responding. I’m very grateful xx

[Author]

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