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My brother who’s older sexually abused me for (detail removed by Moderator) years from I was (detail removed by Moderator) till I was (detail removed by Moderator). It’s took me years but I’ve really started to open up more about it recently as I think it’s time I healed. I wrote it all down and have been talking to my boyfriend about it and he’s been really supportive.
One of my memories hit me more than I thought it would and I’m hoping someone might be able to help me understand why. I was in my teenage years at this stage and my brother had a girlfriend who he was sexually active with. I went down to his room to get reassurance off him as something had been bothering me (can’t remember what) and he gave me a caring hug then turned me round, pulled my trousers down and gave me anal.
I know it’s something to do with the hug bit that hit me and I think I’d just started to really realise it wasn’t supposed to be happening to me and that it wasn’t love.
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Hi,
How incredibly painful for you. I’m so sorry to hear this. Yes you’re right, that’s not love. I’m glad to hear you are feeling now is the time to reach out for support.
I’m afraid I have no knowledge or experience of sexual abuse within families but I highly recommend you seek out counselling and trauma therapies because by doing so, you’ll likely be able to heal more quickly, in the safest way and unravel the experiences with professionals to find some answers x
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Sometimes it takes a new trauma to awaken old trauma. Perhaps you’re now beginning to understand trust. And abuse of trust. Abusers will often hurt us then console us. Or console us then hurt us. It’s really confusing to us and we cling onto the nice bits and push the horrible bits to the back of the brain because it’s too painful to deal with. They push us off a cliff then come down and rescue us. Then we are just grateful they’ve rescued us. What your brother did is horrendous child abuse and even that is difficult to accept when it’s from someone supposed to love and protect us. It’s a deeply painful place to visit and you should really find someone professional to talk to. I have a local charity for victims of childhood sexual abuse. You can talk on the phone, WhatsApp, just sit for the hour and say nothing. Ask one question, say one thing. Take your time with understanding abuse and maybe try and google some self help books specific to your experiences. Just know that you are believed and that absolutely none of this was your fault. Perpetrators like him often continue to abuse and it often gets worse so chances are you’re not the only victim here. Did you have other sisters?
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Jeez. He sounds dreadful. Not all counselling is down to listening. It depends on they type of counselling you access but just take baby steps in the meantime and slowly open up to people you trust. This forum is anonymous so it gives you that peace of mind too. That you can share whatever you want and nobody will know you or judge you. It’s a great stepping stone. Even if you don’t want to talk to a counsellor they may be able to recommend books and podcasts and therapies to help you cope with the flashbacks and anxieties and anything else that’s concerning you. Mindfulness is good for calming us down and walking is also a positive thing for the mind and body. You’ve been through a terrible recent trauma too. That’s going to take time to heal and cope with. Try to do things you enjoy. If you have a pet, or a hobby. Whatever takes your mind somewhere nice x I’ve recently made a playlist of upbeat music x
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