The affect on the children

[Raspberry]

Hi,

I have been wondering a lot lately about the affect an emotionally abusive father has on their children.

I am years out of an incredibly emotionally abusive relationship that ended on a physical note and I luckily never looked back however the older and further away from him I get the more anxious I feel about the affect it all must have had on his children.

The abuser was (detail removed by moderator) and I was very young and younger than him with no children. He had two very young children who he just handed to me, literally, when they were there as soon as we met. I became a step-mother very quickly and the four of us had some great times together. I absolutely loved it and enjoyed every second but looking back all the signs were there that he was just trying to control me, he was incredibly angry and used to scream at his children and me a lot too.
After he trapped me with a ‘ring’ but insisted we weren’t ever engaged type of narrative, it just went down hill. He was incredibly emotionally abusive and touched me twice, the second time I left for good.
The last time he attacked me he panicked and rang the police and had me arrested for a complete set of lies. Nothing came off it but the trauma of sitting in a cell, being questioned was enough for me, especially having never been in trouble before. I now realise he did it because I (detail removed by moderator).
I never saw him or the children again and don’t intend to, I’m also in a new relationship and very happy but we were all very close and even years later I find myself panicking constantly that they are ok.
I remember a lovely GP lady telling me they’d be fine because he didn’t have a problem with them, he just had a problem with women which helped me not to go any further.
Now, after being in a stable normal loving relationship where my new partner also has the one child I remember that they were not incredibly normal children and that people described them as emotionally disturbed to me a few times. I’d love to just let go and not worry about them at all but the anxiety in the pit of my stomach about their welfare never goes away. I worry constantly that me leaving suddenly has made it worse for them or that they’ll grow up hating me. I almost hope they don’t remember me at all as they were very young but who knows.
He’s a terrifyingly clever and academic man, I wonder if my anxiety stems from the trauma of him and I’m transferring it on to the welfare of the children.

[KIP.]

It would be good for you to get counselling. Having another child in you life could be triggering all those memories. The GP should have known better. Abuse in front of children is child abuse. What they witness they learn from and if she had reported his behaviour then social services would have been involved. It’s not too late to make a full statement to the police about his abuse because these men are often serial offenders and your statement may corroborate another victim and it might give you closure. He’s not your responsibility and sadly now neither are his children but their mother will be aware that this man was abusive and may well have acted by now. Your first priority is to get yourself safe and in a good place mentally. Then make your decision from there x my ex reported me too after he attacked me. I think they think if they discredit us quickly enough no one will believe us and it’s also to intimidate us. You’re not the same naive girl you were back then x

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