The anger has come back

[Mommabear]

Hi everyone,

I’ve posted before but like all relationships, my DH has been trying. I’ve lived with his rage attacks, put downs, anger, affair, violence, late night drinking, sulking, guilt for almost (detail removed by moderator) I asked him to leave a year ago and he begged me to reconsider, citing ‘cruelty’ on my part. My children are approaching the teenage years and I am severley depressed.

He’s been to counselling, CBT and says he’s now a changed man. He says that I am cold and distant and need to get over it. Unfortunately I don’t see him as a changed man and I certainly don’t want to get close to him until (and if ever) I am sure he won’t have these rage attacks anymore.

Over the last few months, he has been trying hard but I am finding it hard to forget and to move on because some of the traits are still there. I have told him this and asked him to seek proper professional help for his anger but he won’t because in his mind he is cured.

So……last week, we had another outburst. I could feel it building up. It had started the weekend before when he was trying to make my daughter go shopping with him and she was exhausted after a week of exams (detail removed by moderator) He started calling her names like ‘lazy’, he said tat if she didn’t go then he would ban TV and phone for the day (what she actually needed was a duvet day watching tv!). Because I intervened, listened to both sides calmly and suggested he may have got this one wrong he has started to get angry again.

It finally came out last Monday morning. I had been suffering with shivers and shakes and terrible headaches (maybe hormonal or a bug), I had got into bed and slept on the Saturday night at 8.30 because I wanted to take my daughter to a (detail removed by moderator) the following morning. We were due to have out friends over on the Monday but I said I wanted to cancel because I was tired.

In his mind, it’s HIS weekend and HE works hard so therefore HE should be able to do what he pleases. Neither of my children wanted to go out with him and he got in a massive mood. I had spent two hours sorting out the washing and collecting cups and plates. He muttered to me ‘what are you still doing there?, I said it takes a while to clear up and he responded ‘it’s a 5 minute job’. Why he wasn’t offering for me to go back to bed and get everything done is beyond me!!

He went out for a few hours and to the pub and when he came home, it all came out – I am a manipulative b***h, that I had been blabbing to everyone about how awful he was (I’ve confided in a few close friends who have in fact seen his terrible behaviour), said I was unforgiving, it was all me, all in my head. He said I was a coward for not leaving if that’s what I wanted and if I didn’t show him more attention then he would go and find someone who would! I tired to speak but he just shouted me down and cut across me so I gave up.I

(detail removed by moderator)

From my perspective, I am depressed but I am not mentally ill, I have spent every living hour of every day thinking, reading, talking and trying to sort this out. I don’t sleep properly but I do go to bed early so that I can be there for the children.

I have to be kind to my children because he is not. He is mean. My eldest daughter has confided in me about how mean he is and has even questioned why I married him (!!). They are scared of him and they think he’s unfair. My youngest daughter sleeps with me every night because she needs comforting.

My friends tell me that they wouldn’t have stayed whilst I have, they say that I have been the most empathetic and patient person to stick by him like this.

I drink a couple of glasses of wine a night. I don’t think during the day and I don’t get drunk, I rarely go out and when I do, I come home at a sensible time and always know where I am and what I am doing. He however has a history of drunk driving, throwing up all down the stairs, getting violent when drunk and going out and getting so drunk that he doesn’t know where he is or what he is doing. and I am the one with an alcohol problem!

I managed to stay super calm during all of this, I didn’t shout and I didn’t retaliate or say mean things. I can see clearly but he can not.

I am trapped though however, he will not leave and I can’t leave and won’t leave my family home. His abuse isn’t bad enough for the authorities to get involved but I have a feeling he’s turning nasty.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about the above. Is this normal relationship stuff? Should I just move on and forgive and forget?

I am going to start the freedom project soon, I am sure that will help me find the strength to get out of this awful situation.

Momma bear xxxx

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi Momma bear,

Oh dear, oh dear that didn’t last long then, did it. This isn’t normal relationship stuff was my first thought. There are so many signs here that scream out that he is being abusive towards you still – maybe not in the same way as before, but it’s still there. I’m not the most knowledgable on abusive men but one thing I seem to hear/read again and again is that the very very few who will become better are those that realise that they will have to work with themselves forever basically, that there is no cure, only intensive and repeated working on oneself. It doesn’t really sound too promising on this end already… and tbh his attitude alone towards this says it all. That you should just get over it? Move on? If it had really had an effect on him, wouldn’t he know now what an effect his behaviour would have had on you and thus be more apologetic..? I don’t know, but I feel terrible if I hurt others even unintentionally, I’m just not seeing that anywhere in your story. Your reasons are more than enough as to why you struggle with leaving it in the past, but I also think this is a very healthy sign of you recognising what might be happening.
These things alone would be red flags for me and that’s without the outburst – which to me just really makes it certain that he hasn’t actually learned anything from councelling, cbt, whatever he’s gone through. You sound like an amazing mother and it makes me smile to hear how well you take care of them and that you can see that sometimes a lazy duvet day is exactly what the doctor ordered – your children sound like they know they have an amazing mum, too 🙂
I’m so sorry you were made to feel guilty for confiding in friends – you have every right to talk to your friends about what you are going through and how it affects you. If he can’t handle that, that’s yet another sign on the long list of reasons as to why therapy clearly didn’t work for him.
Your mental health seems to be affected by his presence rather than the other way around, and I loathe people who will use any and all mental health issue/illness as something negative. I’ve had a depression while I was with my abusive ex – boy, was I told I was anything from a psychopath (odd, since you know, I have feelings and empathy, but he didn’t take too kindly to me saying that) to a lazy sicknote. So I cannot stand for it to be stigmatised like he is doing. And he is doing nothing to even help you with it!
I could go on with reasons as to why I think he hasn’t learned a thing and is being abusive towards you, but I hope you get the picture now. And be proud of yourself for not just going along with what I am sure he would want – for you to just forget and move on.

I would call WA and see if they can’t help you figure out a plan so that you could hopefully stay put and he would get to go. I don’t think you have to have police involvement to get help from WA.

Sending you lots of comforting thoughts and hugs

[Mommabear]

Always sorry, thank you soooo much. Your words have made me cry (which is a good thing as I feel supported). Having been told for years that I am this and that and the other and being criticised for everything I do I have started to question stuff. But I know deep down that I have good intentions and that I am a good person and only mean well.

He is purely focusing on what HE needs which is someone who shows him attention. I don’t feel like showing him any attention and this just angers him even more. He blames his latest angry outburst on frustration because I am not showing him enough attention or trying hard enough to make this work (!!!)

If I let him get away with murder and not do anything around the house then I am a doormat, if I ask him for help then I am a nag. If I let him speak to me like this then I am a doormat, if I stand up for myself then I am a manipulative b$%£h. If I keep all my feelings inside then I am a doormat, if I confide in friends because I literally can’t cope anymore then I am disloyal. If I stand by and let him treat my children like that then I am a doormat (and a bad mother), if I stick up for them then I am a terrible wife who doesn’t parent properly.

I literally cannot win.

[freedomtochoose]

Your last paragraph(s) so insightful and true.

You can’t win at this game, because abusers play by different rules. That is such a hard thing to learn, but sure most of us on here would say that was true.

So what we need to do is change the game entirely. And of course that is easier said than done, and after what we’ve been through, probably a lifetime’s work.

But the game going forward could be – being haoppy, feeling as if we deserve to be happy, deserve to have peace of mind, deserve to have a laugh, deserve to be appreciated and loved…all those things and more…I’m not there yet, there are days I don’t feel it but I recognise it as a journey…

ftc
x

[Janedoeissad]

Mommabear, your partners sounds a lot like my Ex.

Particularly the part about it being HIS weekend. My Ex thought that the weekend was OUR weekend and that it had to be incredibly fun (I don’t think I ever achieved the “fun” bit but I think he changed the definition regularly). I also couldn’t go anywhere without him on a weekend without a kick off.

My partner also thought that CBT and therapy had helped. It hadn’t. You can help Anxiety and depression but you cannot help abuse with CBT and Therapy. Not in my mind anyway. My ex blamed his mental health problems but a mental health issue does not make you believe women are less.

My Father is very similar to my Ex. My Mum is an incredibly kind and caring woman and she made us feel loved as kids but I feel she was worth far more than my Dad. I believe your children telling you what they have is their way of saying you are worth more than the way you are being treated.

You sound like you are doing everything for him and he does nothing for you. When I think back, I hated being someone I didn’t want to be purely for my Ex. I hated always having to be happy and smiley because he took up all the negative emotions.

If you can without him seeing, I highly recommend the Lundy Bancroft book “why does he do that”. It gave me such insight into my Ex’s behaviour.

You sound like an amazing, caring woman, you deserve the best in life. It sounds to me like your body is screaming at you to leave this abusive man.

Big hugs.

[KIP.]

Depression is a mental health problem. I lived with it for decades. My abuser was the cause and I believe your husband is causing your mental health problems. His behaviour as you know will get worse. Abusers simply change the goal posts. It’s not about the contents of the argument which are often simply ridiculous.its about seeing you struggle to try and justify your behaviour while their behaviour is deflected. It’s just a game for them to watch you destroy yourself. Try looking at n**********c victim syndrome. In a n**********c relationship one person thrives, the n********t, while the other person takes a nose dive, the victim, us x

[Mommabear]

Thanks ladies. I have just realised that details of some vile texts he sent me (and i published on here) have been removed which may have confused the context of my original message. He called me all names under the sun, including a manipulative b$%^ch. The content was truly vile and I am still upset about this a week later.

I wish things could be different and this is not the life I envisaged for me and the girls. If he could only see how much hurt he is causing us all, but I guess he doesn’t want to or can’t.

On (detail removed by Moderator), he asked for full disclosure of who I had spoken to about how upset I am. He is getting angry and paranoid about it all. I guess this is just another form of control. I have spoken to a few close friends and family, others have witnessed his vile outbursts so have formed their own opinion about what kind of person he is. No doubt, he will blame that on me as well.

He left the front door open (detail removed by Moderator), with our puppy inside the house. When we got back, I simply and calmly said ‘I can’t believe you did that’. My children were very upset and felt unsafe in case someone had let themselves in. He compared what I said to him shouting and screaming abuse at me and calling me names. I really don’t think it’s the same but am doubting myself.

All I want is a nice peaceful and happy life and to be treated with respect. He seems to think that I am making more of this than it is and that I am enjoying being a victim. I want to wake up happy, go to bed happy and not to be constantly worried about when the next outburst is going to happen. Is that really too much to ask?

Mommabear xxxxx

[AlwaysSorry]

No, it’s not too much to ask, Mommabear.

Don’t doubt yourself. In no world would your comment when you got back give him the right to shout and scream and call you names. Name calling is in itself abuse and is certainly not the same as making a comment that he no doubt took as a personal attack on him. Don’t doubt yourself, you did not deserve that.

Enjoying being the victim… How dare he. This is another thing my ex did. Blame me for actually being the victim, then go and punch himself in the head and say that’s what I make him do and now he’s the victim and get told to go get him some ice for him. You are a victim here.

I think it’s worrying he wants a list of names really of who you have spoken to. My ex did the same every now and then – and I’d be told I was never to talk to that person again. If I worked with said person, I was not allowed to talk about my personal life with this person again, or he would actually make threats against those people. I truly believed in those threats, so I stopped talking to them. Don’t stop talking to whoever he will tell you to – you have a right to have friends who you can talk to about how you feel. It’s so important not to isolate you further and for you to be able to talk about how you feel.

It’s not you. It’s him. No matter what he says.

Sending you big hugs.

[KIP.]

He knows exactly what he is doing and exactly how hurtful it is for you and the children. That’s what abusers do. Take pleasure in causing pain and harm and bask in the chaos and misery they cause. They actually thrive on it. It’s so difficult for us to understand but that man is out to destroy you. He chooses to behave this way because he enjoys it. It makes him feel big and powerful to watch you squirm. Your children are collateral damage and their mental health will be affected for the rest of their lives by this abusive behaviour. Harming pets and threats of harming pets is a recognised tactic used by abusers. It instils fear and anxiety. More damage to the kids. He simply doesn’t care. Time to out you and your children first x

[Mommabear]

Thank you all. I still struggle to believe that he enjoys this or that he doesn’t care but I am probably the most naive person in the whole world. This relationship has opened my eyes up to everything.

We have (detail removed by moderator). I made sure that everything was organised beforehand so that he couldn’t have a go at me. The morning we left, he did of course fine something. He started swearing at me that I was useless because (detail removed by moderator). Literally just kicked off in front of the girls. I then stupidly went and (detail removed by moderator) because I didn’t want an argument.

There were several other instances on holiday, the girls wouldn’t be quiet in the car and he was stressed, he then laid into them for the next couple of hours (rather than dealing with it and moving on).

Then (detail removed by moderator) (back to work) I came into our bedroom (I sleep in the spare room these days) and I could sense his mood. I knew he was about to start complaining and low and behold, he couldn’t find something and started accusing me of moving it (which I hadn’t of course). Then he started saying that I was trying to cause a fight by picking blame in something trivial (all in front of my daughter). She told him that he had got the wrong end of the stick (which he had).

The question is, these things seem so trivial, am I overreacting? I know even know what’s normal anymore 🙁

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Mommabear, I just read this entire thread and what comes across is what a beautiful mum you are and seem to have such beautiful children too.

Your husband is definately abusive, as KIP said above it isn’t about the content at all, as you’ve probably noticed by now, he always argues just for the sake of arguing.
It is not about you either, you could be another woman and he still would be arguing finding fault in her, in what she is doing or not doing etc…
Don’t get dragged into his pointless soap drama, he is a deeply unhappy angry person and will never change no matter his external circumstances.
He will always want to live in chaos, disputes, disruptions, anger etc…
You wish to live a happy harmonious family life.
It will never work out together. It just isn’t a match. Happiness and abusers don’t match.
Don’t waste time trying to explain it to him either, it’s like talking to a brick wall.

Take a step back and focus on yourself and your children’s wellbeing.
Please keep in touch with all your friends, do no to report back to him with whom you are talking, who does he think he is!? He can not dictate whom you should talk to or not.
Lock your phone and laptop, password protect them. Don’t share any passwords with him. Keep your passport and ID cards somewhere safe hidden.

Please call Women’s Aid to ask about your options for your future.

Wishing you the best

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi Mommabear

I think you commented on a post I wrote saying our situations are so similar and they are. I can entirely sympathise with how you are feeling and its so hard to cope with negativity and it hurts when all you want is to be happy.

I think having read all the responses that you need to put yourself first and find support to get your husband to leave, the children are being affected and you are gradually being worn down, you need to stop this.

You sound so kind and deserve the love and happiness you are looking for and your children need a better role model. I have had the same with the drinking at the pub and returning to be spiteful and hurtful and the children have seen it all, its not normal and not a role model to look up to.

I hope you can find the strength and soon so that you can feel the calm and remove the anxiety and negativity thats surrounding you.

Sending you hugs x*x

[Mommabear]

Thank you ladies. I am standing in my kitchen in tears….I am having one of those days where I truly believe that I am losing my mind.

I’ve just been thinking about what he would say if he could read my posts. He would say that I am manipulative, over sensitive, intense and that I obsess too much. Even when I hear your kind words, I can hear his in the back of my mind telling me that I am none of those things.

It’s all I think about every day of my life. I go round in circles, constantly doubting myself and my sanity. I wish someone would come and take this all away from me.

I know I need to be strong and I am taking baby steps (some major ones this week!). I’m hoping that tomorrow will be a different day and I will have a ‘strong’ day.

I told him last night that I was fed up of all his abuse and that we had talked about how if it continued then I was gone. I am regretting that right now as I know that this will backfire.

When do I stop the cycle of trying to fix this and start the cycle of being strong 100% of the time?

I am starting the Freedom Programme on Wednesday. I hope it will give me strength

xxxx

[KIP.]

That feeling of losing your mind is a sure sign you’re being abused. These men are liars and manipulators. It’s crazy making behaviour. You don’t have the headspace to work out what’s happening to you because it’s all taken up trying to work out what he’s saying and what it means. It means nothing. Rubbish spouted to keep you spinning while he continues to abuse. Only with zero contact will you be able to see how he had abused and twisted everything.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Bless your heart sending you a huge hug, we really are in the same place it feels like you’re going crazy, but you’ll find your strength again, it’s not you at all.

Good luck in taking those steps and starting the freedom programme too keep posting and let us know how you’re doing mommabear x*x

[Mommabear]

Thanks ladies. I have spoken to two close friends today and am feeling a lot better. I know what I need to do and i cannot continue in this relationship. I am going to try and do it the nice way but who knows where this will end up. I have to be strong for my children who need me.

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