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    • #147822
      Chocolatebunnie
      Participant

      We are still arguing, a lot are saying our marriage is wrong, our relationship isn’t healthy. I’ve been more open discussing his financial control, and gradually letting people know some are shocked, some don’t react and some say I should work at my marriage that everyone has problems. But I can’t be completely open with anyone there’s things I just can’t share.

      I’ve barely told anyone we have separated, only close family and close friends. I’m taking my time, I’m not 100% facing it and I’m scared to admit it.

      I still love him so much, and keep switching between wanting this new life, but then I’m not young and I’m very damaged, chances are I will be alone for the rest of my days, I don’t want that.

      We had a connection I thought he was my soul mate, and maybe he is we are both broken maybe that’s why we clicked.

      All sorts of scenarios are running through my head, getting back together, staying away completely and staying together living apart but I don’t think he’d except that, I don’t know what I’m doing.

      He still thinks we will be together but he’s playing along with us separating, his messages tell me he is presuming things will work out with us.

      Did you or do you feel this way? Tell me it’s normal, struggling after (detail removed by moderator) together. Feeling weak.

      Cb x

    • #147835
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Did I feel this way? Yes. It’s normal. You’re trauma bonded and our minds have a way of remembering the good times, the cognitive dissonance is still doing it’s stuff making you try and find ways to excuse/oversee his behaviour to get that dream future you wanted, there’s a whole ton of muscle memory to break, the addiction to the chemical reactions (which you’ll still be experiencing with the texting/arguing) so my biggest piece of advice is to watch his actions. Not his words, his actions.

      You say you’re still arguing. Why is he still arguing – how’s that going to make you want to repair things other than through guilt?! How about the kids, is he checking in, or is he out doing who knows what, with who knows who and giving you a load of mouth whilst you keep the house and kids running? Stop replying, keep any replies short and factual and avoid being dragged into any debates.

      I know this might seem harsh, I loved my ex, thought he was my soulmate and still wish it could’ve worked out. He’s currently being really nice when I see him re our shared child but, he’s still the man who hurt me the most.

      You’re going through a break up and your confidence is rock bottom. You can be happy again and that might be in a new relationship or might be alone, either way you deserve to be happy and know deep down you won’t be with him.

      Please don’t let others put you down or make you feel bad about separating, I posted something similar about people’s reactions as I struggled with them too but the truth is people just can’t relate if they haven’t lived this life, lucky them but that doesn’t make their view right. You got this. Getting out and the aftermath is just another rollercoaster (it’s like Thorpe park on steroids) in this journey but you got this. Deep breath and one day at a time xx

    • #147836
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Yes it’s normal to feel how you feel. Everything you feel is normal. As Bananaboat has said the trauma bond is very strong, that pull takes time but it does lesson it really does.
      I separated at an age considered old, it took mena long time to start to know myself as the woman I am now. I survived over (detail removed by moderator) of abuse (very similar to yours). It took me a few attempts but separated and am now zero contact. Going no contact was the best thing I did.

      Take all the help and support offered to you. Have you done the Freedom programme?

      You have done so well, it is very sad and I remember feeling it to the pit of my stomach… it gets better, you start to heal once the FOG lifts
      Keep posting ❤️

    • #147940
      Chocolatebunnie
      Participant

      I’ve only just had a chance to reply but have read your replies over and over every time I get confused or overwhelmed it’s put me straight and given me a explanation for what is happening.

      This trauma bond is very strong, really struggling. Like I’m craving something I know doesn’t exist, it’s actually mind blowing and like a drug as I’ve heard it described.

      I wish I could go no contact but for the children, he’s visiting everyday and he’s helping just a little bit but nothing has changed really, but at least it’s ‘ok’

      I’m more friendly than he is and I can feel this is what happened before when we split, thinking it’s is tactic to hang around giving me just a crumb of kindness then back to being distant with me. He’s not ignoring me but he’s definitely focusing on the children, nothing new, I’ve felt left out for a long time and so I automatically make an effort to make things more comfortable between us.

      I can’t hide the fact I miss some things, but I can see who he is too, that hurts a lot the fact I will never have what I thought I had with him. I’m kinda fighting wanting him and then seeing who he is again, then repeat.

      I must focus on me and the children and I wish he didn’t visit everyday but then in a way it’s easier as I don’t have to face we are separated as much, like it’s more gradual and less painful than the sudden break with nothing, baby steps.

      Main thing is I’m out and the longest I’ve ever managed before!

      Cb x

      • #147958
        Auriel
        Participant

        Hi chocolatebunnie yes the trauma bond is a really strong one and yes it’s like a drug and you feel cold turkey coming out of it (there were times in the past I’d wanted to be done with the world when it’d got so bad) I’d gone about things completely the wrong way finding other people to fill their space/alcohol to numb the pain attracting more unhealed people more addicts and more abusers and maybe you were/are both broken or maybe he mirrored you so much making you feel a soul mate type bond (they do that) but yeah the past I’ve been so caught up in trauma bond and the addiction of them they’d invaded my every waking thought and the wanting and needing was crazy and I mentally tipexed over/excused the horrible treatment and forgave things I should have walked away from cos physical separation isn’t just the end it, theres the mental and emotional attachment that’s left to deal with.There needs to be a firm acknowledgement of whether this is over or not (and for you I believe from what you’ve told us in previous posts it 100% should be) these talks and confusions about getting back/is it over is messing with your mind (and could be a game he’s playing???) and like you I’ve attracted/been attracted to broken people as I was broken also but the differences were I was trying to make things work and giving my all and they were using manipulating mind gaming and taking from me (I hadn’t healed from parental and sibling abuse or 1st relationship abuse) if your ok with you if you feel comfortable being on your own and your self esteem is high your more able to knock back early red flags (“if” your aware of them) and abusers/abuse but there needs to be more self work on you with healing and getting to the roots of why you think someone who’s committed jailable offences against you is worth being with you ❤🫂❤

    • #148031
      Chocolatebunnie
      Participant

      Auriel so familiar thanks for sharing this, that’s what I would have done in the past the alcohol, filling the gap with the wrong people or another relationship and I’m not doing it this time as I know I won’t heal.

      I have always looked for someone broken who would understand me, normal people don’t. But ,abbé that’s self esteem issues and not being on my own long enough to meet enough people in general to find out who really is out there. This is both friendship and romantically, I’ve always needed to fill that void.

      This is over as even if I go back it won’t feel the same, it didn’t anyway as it’s felt different since I began to realise what I was dealing with. The pedalstal I had him on wasn’t rational and although it can be good it’s not real.

      I’ve got a big pot of tipex, good way to describe it, and it’s constantly being used. It’s so confusing and painful but I know if I go back he won’t forgive me, he’s done nothing wrong, he’s confused but not doing anything to change things. So yes he’s waiting for me to need him, run back to him he’s just there. If I do he’s likely to push me away, I know it’ll regain the power for him. I’m not giving him that chance either.

      I have never gotten over parental abuse, my parents abuse of each other, a physically and emotionally everything relationship and others less so but still unhealthy to be rescued by my husband, I see this, he knew about the abusive relationship everyone did. He knew I was vulnerable and it was easy to manipulate someone like me I guess.

      What has struck a cord is you’ve written jailable offence, I keep rereading this as I’m having to remind myself what this is, there goes the tipex again, but yes I should be angry and should keep him away, I know I don’t but I should.

      Honestly I feel there’s something wrong for me to block out everything he does to hurt me, a learnt behaviour I’ve been told that I used as a child when my parents were arguing or dad was abusing mum, that hurts to write but it’s the truth.

      I guess the truth is that the truth gets twisted so often that we don’t know what to think, feel or do.

    • #148075
      Auriel
      Participant

      Self denial feels better than facing what happened but it leaves us open to repetition (and yeah its a tactic we learn to survive) we have to face so they can’t and no one else can do those things again and to unlearn what we thought was “normal”, you Meet you 1st chocolatebunnie, when you get to know you, accept you and just be you then your boundaries will be stronger for what you find acceptable then you’ll find you can let go of people easier and won’t accept people in your life that just end up there, when your self esteem increases your standards for who’s right for you (friendship/relationship wise)increases also and you won’t care so much if they fall away, your systems a good indicator if something or someone is really wrong or off for future people knowing ☀️ 🌊🐬

    • #148120
      Chocolatebunnie
      Participant

      Thank you your replies which explain it all very well makes total sense and it is what’s happening I’m struggling so badly I never thought I would feel like this I thought I was done, hardened and didn’t need him. My world feels like it’s falling apart, was I ready to do this?

      I’m dammed if we are together or apart as even if he’s no longer the problem I’ve so many things to fix from where we are living, supporting kids with complex needs, financial, pressure to work (mental health and responsibilities make this a thought too much to consider) claiming benefits, loneliness and the friendship we have had for two decades, it wasn’t all bad after all. I’m not sure I can do this and I feel guilty for saying this after all I learnt and understand about his behaviour towards me and our children.

      My parents are old, and their relationship is like mine so there’s on,y so much support.

      My brothers think husband is great, and roll eyes at us splitting yet again.

      Best friend thinks it’s all fixable.

      Only so much local women aid can do.

      Have nobody else, I’ve been discussing too much of this with my adult kids and feel guilty, they’ve come to me first. But I’m starting tonrely on them.

      I will be ok but it’s hard.

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