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    • #138656
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi ladies,

      Every day is a school day they say… and yesterday I have learned something new and I thought “WOW! That makes a lot of sense.” I thought I’d share it here. From reading a lot of your journeys I can identify where some of you ladies are in this cycle so I wonder if you can recognise yourself too?

      This is an ‘upward cycle’ so even if we go back to the start, every time we start again it’s more positive than the last time, so for those of you who are saying “I can’t unsee this now I know about it” that is part of your change.

      The cycle I refer to is the Prochaska & DiClemente model and you can find it with a Google search. This gives a diagram that shows it better, but the stages are :

      Pre-Contemplation – No intention on changing behaviour

      Contemplation – Aware a problem exists but with no commitment to take action

      Preparation – Intent on taking action to address the problem

      Action – Active modification of behaviour

      Maintenance – Sustained change; new behaviour replaces old

      Relapse – Fall back into old patterns of behaviour

      The upward cycle is that we learn from each relapse.

      This Change Cycle helps us understand our steps to recognising our abusive relationships and our efforts to leave/actually leave. The relapse is when we go back again, and we know statistics show it can take 7 times to leave an abuser before we leave for good.

      Hope this helps with understanding your journey 🙂

    • #138657
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Wow for sure, the relapse is so powerful, that pull…. being aware of it helps.

      So many years feeling worthless, inadequate, being told I am mad… all of it… I hate him at times (I do not like feeling hate, I am not a hateful person so it doesn’t sit well).

      Thanks for posting this HTH, I am going to Google ❤

    • #138661
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      This is incredable I love learning new things that make sense I am currently learing about our inner chimp dont ask im still learning. 😀
      This is good to see I however feel stuck on contemplation and cant get out. X

      • #138664
        Wants To Help
        Participant

        Hi @nbumblebee 🙂

        Strangely enough, I did think of you when I saw this cycle, but not in a negative way.

        If we look at the cycle purely from the abusive relationship basis then I agree that you are in the Contemplation part, but what about some of the individual behaviours within the abusive relationship?

        Think about how opposed your husband was about you getting a job? Then look at the cycle again. With regards to that aspect you are in Maintenance and that is great. That is a success of positive change within an abusive relationship, but, you are bordering on Relapse because you are feeling pressure from him to give it up because you feel it will make things a bit easier. Please try and stay in Maintenance in the cycle. You also recently posted that you went and sat by yourself and enjoyed a coffee, which is something you would not have done a few months ago. With regards to your husband isolating you and denying you freedom you have started to make some changes there too and I would say you are in Action with that. You are slowly making changes, can you see that now?

        We use all sorts of words and terminology on this forum to help explain and encourage ladies to escape abuse, often I see the words ‘baby steps’, and that is what this cycle is showing – just one change at a time.

        Over time, the little changes we make add up to the bigger picture. When you read back to what you posted when you first joined the forum do you now see that you are in a different place? That’s because you’re working through The Change Cycle, probably without knowing it!!

        xx

    • #138670
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @wantstohelp I feel more alert more knowledgable and less batshit crazy. All my life ive been made to feel like im the bad one im the troubled one when actually maybe i didnt deserve what I got maybe i dont deserve it now maybe. Im still scared very scared and lonley its so hard to keep this fight up and I dont know how long I can hang on to my job for which if i lose it that will set me right back but for now yes I do see a difference I feel a difference. I actually dont think I am crazy thats definatly progress.
      Thank you xxxxxx

    • #138679
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Ooh, this is so interesting! I think I am probably in the Relapse part, unfortunately. And it’s even difficult for me to look at it and think of it in those terms, but there it is! Thanks for sharing this!

    • #138795
      Chocolatebunnie
      Participant

      Thank you for sharing really enjoyed reading this and going to look into it some more x*x

    • #138801
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      Thank you for sharing this! It’s really interesting looking back at all the little steps and yes I am out of the relationship but there other ways I can relapse. I still even now have a little shred of hope that the next stage we can work through as responsible adults and then he pulls the rug.
      It is such an intricate process of disentangling.
      Xx

    • #138973
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Bumping this for the new members ❤

    • #138977
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi ladies,

      thank you for your positive comments on this, I’m really pleased it has helped some of you in some way,

      best wishes to you all xx

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