The Chimp Paradox

[oaktree]

Has anyone read or heard of this book?
Essentially I think it says that in everyones brain is 2 separate parts, one controlled by ‘the chimp’, which is responsible for the emotional responses, and ‘the human’ which does the logical bits. It says the chimp is the one that gets upset about stuff, gets angry, can be aggressive and irrational. Apparently you are born with the chimp you have and you can’t change it- so if you your chimp is aggressive, then thats how its going to be forever. The book talks about how you have to ‘manage the chimp’ and not let it take over, and let your human brain be in charge.

So hubby is reading it at the moment, and we have been talking about his temper and stuff as you will see – so he now says that the aggression/anger etc isn’t him, its the chimp, and he can’t change the chimp (cos the book says so). So now when he loses his rag, the ‘apology’ is that, sorry but the chimp made me do it……

He has now got me a copy of the book to read too, because my chimp is too emotional and sensitive.

Now part of me thinks, this is a well respected psychology/self help book, and if it does help him ‘control his chimp’ then maybe its a good thing. And it actually seems like he is trying to do something and recognising that what he (or his chimp!) is doing is wrong……but then the other part of me wants to call b*****ks on it, and its just a way of passing the blame.

What do you ladies think?

[deathangel]

This book will give him excuses and it will not change his abusive behaviour, as is evident by his blaming the chimp already. Another way for him to excuse hi behaviour is all this is and the cheek of it telling you that you need to read it cos “your chimp” is out of order. He knows that changing is too hard, so he is dragging you into his way of thinking. The chimp side of our brains (if such silliness actually exists) does not cause abusive behaviour. There are no excuses.

[oaktree]

I know – I read the first chapter of the book like he said and it does say that, about the chimp being what it is and you can’t change it, but that the ‘human’ can manage the ‘chimp’……but like I say its a really well respected book about changing behaviours. Maybe we will see if it actually changes anything, maybe its right and it is this chimp and he can get it under control. I think if he is reading the book he is making steps to change isn’t he?

But then I am beginning to really despise the book, the patronising, ‘I know it wasn’t me honey, it was the chimp, I recognise that now’……but if I criticise it, it will be a personal attack on him. Essentially, if he gets angry its his chimp, and therefore not his fault, if I get upset its my chimp and therefore he doesn’t need to concern himself. I really want it to help but I fear it will be whats brought up everytime as an excuse now…..

[deathangel]

It says it is about mind management. I am sure it would work for a normal non-abusive person. Abusive people have skewed thought processes, ideas and what-not, I don’t think that this book addresses abusive THINKING. Which is what an abusive person has. I suppose in one way it shows he wants to change, but I do not think this will help with the abusive thinking and reactions. Unless there is a section in the book, specifically for that?

[Confused123]

Hi I have read this book and is recommneded to be read to help you train your brain to think positive when u are pursuing a goal . At some point in the bool it does mention the book is not to be used in reference if you are in a violent relationship cause in that scenario that person is choosing to display anger and violence, so if your ex is reading this book , u need to point out i has nothing to do with your emotions and how u are reacting, as you are reacting to the violence and he is choosing his behaviour. This bookis prob nmaking him think all is ok to behave the way he is cause of the chimp

[SunshineRainflower]

I agree with deathangel, it sounds like he is using this book as a new excuse. He can now be abusive towards you and then just say ‘oh sorry but it wasn’t me, it was the chimp.’

I have read most of the book myself, and think it’s a good book, but you will notice that none of the behaviours the chimp does when it’s ‘upset’ are abusive. It’s usually things like it getting stressed being in confined spaces, being grumpy because you’re hungry etc. All of us experience this but we are not abusive. I think it’s a helpful book (he helped Victoria Pendleton manage her anxiety) but in the hands of someone who is taking out anger and aggression on you then it is not helpful, especially if he’s also using it to imply there is something wrong with you when you get ’emotional and sensitive’ – you’re probably understandly emotional because he is treating you unkindly.

My ex used to be abusive then blame everything on my mental health or say I’d imagined it, so look out for any times where he is abusive then turns it round so that it is somehow your fault or someone else’s fault, never his.

If you can read ”Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft in secret I think you will find it very interesting, just make sure he doesn’t see it.

[oaktree]

Thanks ladies, I have got ‘why does he do that’ downloaded onto my kindle so have been reading it a bit when I can

[KIP.]

Hi Oaktree. ‘living with the dominator’ by Pat Craven is a fantastic book given to me by women’s aid. If the chimp was making him behave abusively then why is he only abusive to you? How can the chimp behave around others and choose to be abusive in private? These men know exactly what they are doing. It’s planned. It’s not the chimp, it’s not the book, it’s domestic abuse x

[cupofcoffee]

Wise words KIP, an angry man full of rage would be raging all over the place, with his friends, at work, with shop assistants, everyone would get his rage! He would very quickly end up jobless, friendless, and at the extreme end in prison! But an abusive man is very charming, bites his tongue with people who wind him up, and saves his rage for when he is behind closed doors, when no one can see him, he saves it up for the people he is supposed to love the most, ie his partner and kids.

[Dragonfly]

He’s taking the p*** and now has another excuse for his behaviour. They know exactly what they’re doing. Trust your gut x

[Author]

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