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This cycle was never present in my abusive relationship.
I never experienced a honeymoon phase.
The control and abuse were ever present.
He never apologized.
He bought me flowers when I complied, when he could rape me and I did not resist.
He adored me when I did what he told me to do without questioning.
I was his submissive wife, and he was ever ready to beat me to a pulp as soon I did not comply.
He could change in a split second, this fierce was his control.
As long as I complied and suffered the pain and humiliation our marriage was good.
Any sign of resistance in my eyes and he switched from gentle rape to brutal rape, from ridiculing me with words and jokingly pushing me around to punching me with his fists.
The cycle of abuse does not exist in many abusive relationships. Often abuse is just there …. always. -
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Hi Ayanna
Even though our stories are a bit different on the surface, I think I can understand how you feel. My abuse was there from the beginning. There was never a honeymoon stage for me either.
I am sorry to hear you went threw such hell. You are not alone.
Hugs to you for being a strong woman, and getting yourself out of that relationship.
For me knowing there wasn’t a honey moon stage caused me alot of anguish. My youth made me very susceptible to my abuser’s emotional and sexual abuse. Thanks for sharing your story. -
Although my abuser did not use physical abuse he was an abuser. There didn’t seem to be a cycle of abuse in our relationship either.
He never, ever admitted that he was wrong, he never, ever apologised, he never, ever bought me presents or flowers and he never, ever celebrated birthdays, anniversaries or any other occassion.
If he abused me – outright criticism, undermining me, telling me that I was crazy, making me think that I had a terrible memory, that I couldn’t think clearly – according to him it was either totally justified as he was only telling me the truth for my own good or it never happened. In fact, I never, ever knew when he would be cruel and nasty. I was often blindsided, but always anxious.
So yes, you are right. Sometimes the abuse is always there.
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There is no cycle in my relationship either, he’s never actually hit me, threatened too many times, and once put his hands round my throat, but he’s never been sorry because he says I caused it so y does he need to, I’m the one that always gets us back on track, we have never been out in public together maybe once or twice for dinner, and been out of r city, but never where we would see anyone, I’ve never felt a honeymoon stage, except once when he worked away for a week, they are the same but the cycle is different, I don’t do anything now, I stay home I make sure I answer the phone if he rings, I don’t have any friends I don’t have a job, so it’s a lot less now than it used to be, because I’m where he wants me to be and most importantly who he wants me to be, they are unpredictable
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Can I ask a question? What do you mean there is no domestic abuse without sexual abuse?
I have never ever had such amazing frequent sex as I did with him… and I miss that passion so much. I have read that N********s use sex as one of their tools. He was always questioning me if I was the best lover, if I’d ever had such great sex. -
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Hi Fuzzyfelt
Domestic violence is all about control. Abusers need to be in control, of all aspects of the relationship- this commonly includes sexual activities. Like you I had amazing sex with my abuser, but there are times when he forced me to have sex when i didnt want to. Those times he did that it was rape. I didnt realize it was rape because we had sex often, but there were too many times when I wouldnt want to and he forced himself on me. He didnt hit me, but he refused to stop when i told him no, several times, he would say alot i wanted it too and to stop resisting, or he would say we did it before why cant we do it now, he would blame me and say i made him so horny..and he used his physical strength to overpower me.. Abuse is not clear cut, there are several forms of it. -
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I hadn’t thought about the sexual aspects of my relationship with my abuser, but you are right Anewbreath. It was all about control. He also stopped having sex with me a year before he dumped – he knew how important that aspect was to me – so it made sense to use it as a control.
‘I don’t do anything now, I stay home I make sure I answer the phone if he rings, I don’t have any friends I don’t have a job..’
I am so sorry that your life is like this with your abuser.
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Mine didn’t really do the love bombing thing either. The occasional kind gesture was about as far as it went. But there was a limit of about three weeks which was the longest he ever went without being abusive. Often it was shorter, but it was never ever longer. So I found the idea that it was a cycle with him building up to the point of being abusive quite helpful – it explained the periods where things felt ‘normal’ and helped me see that there was a pattern of behaviour. It helped me realise that I wasn’t going mad and that he had been gaslighting me. I know that this won’t be the case for many women, but I think that there is definitely a case for still using it, with a disclaimer that not all abuse follows this pattern, for all the women struggling to understand why their ‘lovely, kind, romantic partner’ acts so cruelly. I think it really helps with the cognitive dissonance that you get in these situations.
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