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I’ve had a few days off work this week. Not actually good for me as the result is too much time to worry.
My partner/ex whatever was showing signs of change. Attending psychiatry every week but this week the cycle repeated itself and its scared the hell out of me. No longer living together, he wants is to work towards that again but currently house is for sale. Met up and had a nice weekend last week with him. Then came the payback. Tension building via text, then full on black mist the other night, accusing me of things that were blatantly not true and insisting they were and taking his emotional state out on me. Then attending his psychiatrist who says it will be ok, he will work on communicating better when he’s in a low mood. I pointed out it wasn’t miscommunication it was lies. He said it’s not what he meant. I remained grounded in truth and told him he was gaslighting me and I won’t have him do this to me. Then came the apologies and promises. I keep telling him it’s a cycle I won’t put up with. He just keeps telling me he will get better. It’s awful as I know I can’t have that back in my kids lives. I’m losing our home, struggling to find anywhere big enough for kids and I that I can afford. Even going to viewings is difficult as I don’t want him to find out. He keeps telling me how he’s putting all his faith in me and doesn’t want let down!?!?! I have told him I can’t make him promises but he doesn’t listen. I think he’s putting on emotional pressure but I now feel guilty as I feel I’ve lead him on. I thought he was getting better but this week was exactly how it used to be. Im hugely anxious and struggling to function today. Why can’t he just treat me normally? What the hell is so wrong with me that he has to do this to me? My kids are playing with each other just now happily but my head is racing so much I find it hard to be properly present. He’s gone on like he’s got it out of his system now and feels better, tells himself it’s part of an illness that he’s getting treatment for. He doesn’t inflict his illness on his friends though, just me and at times his parents. I need out of this cycle. He just won’t give me the space and when I say I need space he gets frighteningly unstable. I’m a mess. I just want some peace. I want to close my own front door and decide who is in my life and on what terms. My mum and sister have also turned their backs after being nasty because I stood up to them and expressed calmly a need to make my own decisions about my life. I feel like I’m the common factor in all these peoples problems. I’ve just put up with so much for so long. I’m so scared today. Of literally everything. Does anyone else get this fear when there’s nothing there to fear? Sorry for long rambling. I have nobody to vent to. -
Dear ENF, I think its admirable that your partner/ex partner is going for mental health treatment, not many men do this. What the success rates are I don’t know. But I think it would be worth remembering that if there are so many important problems whether therapy will cure everything and make you both happy. I have heard that therapy can take years and years of constant commitment before you see any improvement. Its challenging when you have such fundamental things missing like no ability to communicate and lack of trust. For about 5 minutes after I split I considered whether there was any chance for me and him. I would have had to compromise my base personality a full 360 degrees & tolerate the impossible, the final decider was when I realized that the quality of my life for the remaining years on this earth would have been the total opposite of what it is now. Now it is free, calm and without severe anguish or doubt. I do not miss the constant mental trauma and loss of confidence. When you are in contact when there is so much strife, you are completely unable to think clearly & focus. You are still in touch with him a lot, this is clouding your thinking. I think it would be better for both of you to have full NC for at least 3 months, this will give you time needed to start sorting the wood from the trees. Just because you have this break does not mean you have to split, it will give you the proper environment so that you can make important decisions. I have been where you are 2 or 3 times in my life, there is light at the end of the tunnel. X*X
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Thank you HA for your input. I know I’m becoming frustrating with my indecision. I’m just worn out by it. I know you are right but actually achieving a spell of no contact is becoming harder and harder. He is becoming more needy again. I’m so fragile emotionally after everything I’ve been through that I’m not able to manage when he becomes needy and I can’t give him whatever he’s looking for. I numb out. He is definitely changing and thinking more of the time about things in the past and how he needs to change his behaviour but then this week was a living flashback of what it was like living with him. The utter futility of everything I say or do because he’s gone into the black mood and there’s no way back is so frightening and something I’d hoped I’d seen the back of. It’s so hard because he had been getting better but maybe now it was just a longer cycle I was going through with him. The way his moods change so incredibly dramatically from one hour to the next leaves me reeling. Why can’t they look at what they are doing to those around them? Why can’t they look beyond themselves? I wanted to believe change was possible, I think it is but I don’t know if I’m just too damaged by the past X
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I think change is possible but its not easy, my mum had therapy every week for over 20 years. I went 5 different times throughout my marriage to Relate, not 5 sessions, but 5 times, I think we went to Relate every 2 or 3 years.It was like a plaster which would stop the problem bleeding but not repair it at the root cause. I know how difficult No Contact is. When I was with my last ex (the one I am on here for), I could not have gone total No Contact just like that. I thought about why. If he and I were in a very short, casual uncommitted relationship going full no contact suddenly would have been appropriate and what I would do if this happens again. But myself and my ex firstly had a big future commitment together that was playing on my mind what to do about it. We had both paid out money for this & it was a big commitment happening several months later. I had to have contact with him at some point. Also, as far as I were concerned we were in a committed long term relationship and still were. We had not broken up. I found when all of the horrible arguments came to a head, he let me down once to often, that was when we officially split up, I felt a form of closure and NC was much simpler, also I could manage what to do about the future commitment. I know that you and this man still have the joint house ownership, a joint commitment still hanging in the air. This must cause a lot of anguish as I expect you can’t really move on with things. The emotions like him being needy and you reacting, I cannot see how this can improve the way that it is at the moment as there is no breathing space between the two of you. It might even just make it worse, become really suffocating and bad for everybody’s health. Its a bit like letting go and i know that that can be scary. Could you not have a talk with him and agree to have a break? this would give you the space to work it all out. You could always get another place if this was the right thing to do or stay living where you do now all together. Or you would come to the decision to break up.
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I don’t know where I found the strength to break the cycle, it came down to basic survival. Him or me. You will get to a point where you come out fighting. When you listen to your head and not your heart. These men never change. How can they change a lifetime of behaviour which has gotten them what they want all their life. Save yourself X
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I agree with KIP that these abusers never change. Him saying he is getting treatment gives you false hope. He knows what to do and say to keep you in the relationship. He is getting stronger as a result of your anxiety and distress. This is giving him his ‘high’ he so desperately needs. You are getting weaker from your contact with him. You feel as you do because he is poison.
He does not have your best interests at heart. I find if I do the opposite to what my abuser wants, that is the best decision for me. Your abuser wants you to live together again. Don’t do it. You managed to stop living with him. That’s a great achievement.
He will never be able to treat you normally because he is an abuser. He is an addict. Addicted to Power and Control. That comes before you and the children and his family and friends. Its not you. You are just reacting ‘normally’ to having conversed and interacted with a ‘sick personality’. Its great you posted for support.
That’s the affect these abusers have on us. Our mind and emotions become a mess and our lives become unmanageable.
Don’t make the mistake thinking that its you. You are just being affected by your abuser and your mum and sister. My mum has the patterns and behaviour of an abuser and so has my brother.
Its not you, abusers are everywhere. As intimate partners, in our families and in our workplaces. If you had time and space away from them you would come back to yourself.
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How does the contact actually happen between you? He texts you and then you respond for a while, then spend some time together after arranging to meet up? I expect all of this contact is fully loaded with emotional deep talk?. Has there been a firm decision made about your house sale or are you both hoping to get back together & live in the house?
Once there had been clear communication with me & my ex not all of the in my case one way communication of trying. But once a clear future path had been set, it was easier to manage. Before this for me it was we were still a couple but it was all so upsetting and uncertain, unanswered questions, he was stonewalling. I think at the moment you and this man are having these deep talks and emotional either really amazing and happy or questionable times and it is just a circle of never ending difficulties. It won’t change from what it is at the moment.
I wish you luck ENF these are just my opinions.
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Yes, that’s how it goes. He gets in contact, although I always feel like I’m managing him, like it’s safer to be in contact than just to ignore him and let him go into overdrive. When we meet up, he seems different and more stable and I start to feel there could be a future, but the house is on the market and we have people interested at the moment. I’m struggling with all the bills on my own, it’s much bigger than my last house and not something I would have bought myself. It’s a lovely family home though and he keeps showing me how our life could be then if I’m not giving him enough attention it starts again. I need to sell the house. If I was to get an offer just now I think I’d take it. It’s the tug of war with my heart that’s killing me. I know he’s trying but I also know in my heart what bubbles under the surface. It’s just facing that reality and then the consequence of his behaviour after and the fact that I do love the man he can be and I will miss him desperately. I feel like I’m broken and with or without him I’ll still be broken. I just want my head back. I just don’t see anywhere forward. I need to start viewing properties and looking forward. I’m just incredibly scared and financially things are getting on top of me. X
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I can understand. Separating everything out, having this house sale over your head must be causing much anguish. I’m sorry If i’m talking very much in black & white terms, maybe some of the other ladies would be better advising you, I know that KIP & LONC have both given you great advice. Sometimes I am a bit black & white, sorry if this is the case. Taking out all of the emotion which really does cloud things and make it impossible to think clearly. You could either keep the house and all move back in togethter, him start contributing properly towards expenses etc. From what you have described you have tried this and it didn’t work. You could keep the house going for a while, would it not be possible for you to get a couple of lodgers, this would give you £800 tax free per month. You could then continue to work on the relationship or it would end. Or sell the house. Or go full no contact for 3 to 6 months by which time both of you will be thinking more clearly and be able to see the wood for the trees. Or completely split up now and go your separate ways. Again I do apologize if I am not appreciating the impact of manipulative abuse and how it affects day to day decision making etc. I’m reasonably ok now but I remember being in the thick of it, i was unable to think clearly as he was directing my thinking and making me confused. That all clears when you have no contact with the manipulator. X*X
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I remember my ex telling me once that he could not cope with a woman who had children, that he would want the majority of that woman’s attention and would not like it when that woman put her attention on her children. I remember that gave me alarm bells. I thought to myself that he would be hard pushed to find a woman who would put up with that long term. Women love their children, they are normally the most important thing in their lives. I do not know that many women who would put a man above their children. That is what he wanted.
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My exs new partner had (detail removed by moderator) kids living with her, two very quickly moved out to live with their dad when he moved in. Don’t underestimate the control and manipulation that these men are capable of. Who knows what he was saying to her kids behind her back. But yes, my ex couldn’t even stand the fact that I showed the dog affection. It takes a great leap of faith to go no contact. But no contact is how you get strong enough X
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Exactly, complete cessation of every form of contact is crucial for finding your way through all of this ENF. (No Contact by HG Tudor, free to read on Amazon is great for this). Like I said I had to have some contact as he & I had this mutual arrangement, it appears that you and this man need to have a bit of contact to agree on contracts exchanged once you get a buyer? From what you have said that is the only contact that needs to be made.
I remember before that you said when you were living together that your ex didn’t like the attention that you gave to your children. Your children came with you as part of the package. So you changed yourself so that you could make him happy but still be a mum. I think you made many changes to yourself and your routine to make this work. I think that is what happened with you? But because you had such amazingly happy times as a couple just the 2 of you, true connection, love & passion, this was where the difficulties were?.
For me to have stayed in my ex’s life, i would have had to have changed everything about myself. In the process I would have made myself really ill. I would have had to have tolerated cheating which is totally not in my nature. I would have had to have tolerated lying and making me feel deranged, again I don’t do that. So many other things, all because at the time I was considering if it were an option, I felt sorry for him, thinking that he was a damaged soul due to an abusive upbringing. I think i loved him and really cared about him. But just because I felt like that, all the changes I would have had to make to myself would have basically destroyed me. Go totally against every moral & value that I had. This man wants you to put him at the forefront and your children on the back burner, i don’t think that rests easily with you but you are torn because of all those seemingly special times that you had. X*X
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There have been a few times since I split up that I remembered some nice times. Times that I saw a completely different side to him, he were gentle, affectionate & a nice person. I don’t think this was calculated or contrived, he was sweet soft and kind and it was truly lovely. Thinking about these times (I think there were only 2 or 3 times during the entirety of our relationship), it pulled on my heartstrings and made me feel really sad and tearful. I would so much love him to be like that all of the time. Then I remembered the severity of mental harm he caused me with mind games, manipulation & gas lighting. The nice, lovely, loving times were around 1.5% the horrible times were about 98.5%.
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