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    • #81317
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi everyone,

      I feel a bit guilty writing on here since it’s a while since I left, but it seems to be that the effects of abuse and trauma last a long time if not a lifetime so it always helps to talk to others who get it.

      As some of you know I’ve been trying to make new friends since I went NC with my ex, NC and LC with a lot of family members and NC with several friends who I realised always blamed me for things and were cruel (I was so used to being treated like that it seemed normal until I read up on abuse).

      I haven’t been trying too hard to make friends because I find that just makes me come across as desperate and weird, and I only want to make friends with people I connect with in some way. It would just be nice to have a few people to go for walks with, have cups of tea with and chat to etc. like I’ve had in the past.

      I had an unexpectedly good week last week when I reached out to two women I met over the last year and both of them invited me to meet up. Both meet ups went quite well and they seemed to like hanging out with me and suggested meeting up again. Unfortunately this week I caught a bug and was ill all week so I had to cancel on one of them. And I ended up telling the other one over a text that I’d been in an abusive relationship. I wasn’t going to share that with her so early on as I know it’s quite an intense thing to share but she told me she’d had a very serious health diagnosis and told me a load of personal stuff so I felt that maybe it would be good to share it since it was relevant to the conversation.

      I might be wrong but I’m now worried that I overshared and that me telling her that I was in an abusive relationship will have ended the potential friendship. It got me thinking about how women still get blamed for abuse, how there is still all this taboo about it and ignorance.

      I’ve been trying not to think it’s all about me though which has helped. For example, for both of these women, I barely know them and anything could be going on in their lives that could be affecting them. They could be dealing with domestic abuse themselves, or know a friend who is. Divorce, health issues, money worries etc.

      It just feels tough and confusing when you reach out to new people who seem to want to be friends then feel like you messed up. I guess I’ll just focus on other things, like my job hunting for now.

      Both of these women are married, one has children and the other is hoping for children and that also got me thinking how lonely it is for women who are single and childless/childfree. It also means they are wealthy as their husbands have good jobs, while I am currently unemployed, so simply by marrying they ‘went up in the world’ the way women have for centuries. I always thought I wanted to get married and have children but since experiencing domestic abuse and also reading all of your stories I am not sure I do. I was so unbelievably relieved to escape my ex and by not having a child with him made things a hell of a lot easier. So I see my escape as a second chance at life and have been weighing lots of choices up. I think maybe if I met a good kind man that would be wonderful to live with him and be a couple, but maybe adopt lots of animals in need rather than have children. I notice how this makes me quite different to the average woman, especially where I live, where most women still marry and have children and just focus on their family.

      Someone on here said that at times it feels like you’ve got a contagious disease and that nobody wants to be friends but that’s ok, maybe it’s a time to focus on yourself and be alone and review your life. I liked this analogy, I think it was HopeLifeJoy who said this. I’d like to be friends with people who like me for who I am, not like me because of my job or my house or my husband etc. So many friendships are so superficial and that’s not my thing, I like honesty and truth and a good sense of humour in a friend, someone you can have a really good chat with and not have to skirt over subjects.

      I was thinking how marriage alienates a lot of women from friendships with other women because they are busy caring for a house, children and a husband despite the fact that it’s 2019 not 1952. I notice how older women who have lost their husbands tend to have a good time going on trips together, hobby groups etc and think it would be good if younger women could do more of this too. Men seem to keep their friends throughout marriage and still go out to the pub, play golf etc while their wife is at home. When I grew up I thought the world was so modern but the older I get the more I see that in many way, particularly in terms of the roles of the sexes, we still live in Jane Austen times where women who are unmarried continue to be punished because they are not ‘useful’ to a man in some way.

    • #81318
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, lots of what you say is what I went through. Realising that friends and family members were cruel and abusive too. Especially when I was weak. I hadn’t realised because I was programmed to accept abuse. But not any longer. The women you have met sound nice and if they hold against you the fact that you were in an abusive relationship then they are simply not worth bothering about. It’s difficult making friends in all walks of life but if you start with a group or hobby or internet clubs, it’s a good way to find common ground. I see life now much more clearly in terms of Male and female roles but I do believe the tide is turning. Women have more choice, better education opportunities and are much more aware of abuse than I was as a young woman. Recovery takes time and I think we always live with remnants of the abuse but that’s ok. It makes is stronger, wiser and more tuned into what we want x

    • #81320
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Thank you KIP. Yes, I agree with you in that things have definitely improved for women thanks to our ancestors who fought for our rights. I’m so grateful for all those amazing women, past and present, who fought and continue to fight for women and girls. I guess experiencing DV made me realise though, that there is still a long way to go, and that groups of men are still trying to silence us and take away our rights. And also, that society is still set up to ‘reward’ married women who have children (since they are providing sex and domestic care to men by getting married) and punish women who are single/single mothers/childless/childfree because these women haven’t centred their lives around a man = unacceptable in the patriarchy.

      I’d love it if I could still maintain friendships with women despite them being married because their husband wouldn’t expect them to do all the housework and childcare on top of a job (my oldest friend’s husband seems a bit like this and my last two exes clearly expected me to be a sex and domestic slave). I also wish there were more positive attitudes towards single women including single mothers. And that society considered it totally fine for women to not have children if they don’t want to, ie. all choices are valid. I guess I just miss how much easier it was to make and maintain friendships before everyone started getting married. It does have me wondering who I’ll spend my time with if I stay single and don’t have children. Maybe I’ll just have to move somewhere where there are more people who lead alternative lifestyles or something so I don’t feel so alone and unusual in my life choices.

    • #81324
      KIP.
      Participant

      I’m in my (detail removed by moderator) and all I see are unhappily married couples. Too scared to admit they’re no longer compatible and getting what they settle for. When I first split up every couple I saw seems giddy and happy. I think my mind must have been bonkers. I got a second chance at life and it will take someone special for me to want to share my life again. Meantime I’m dating myself and having a great time x

    • #81327
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Thanks KIP, as bad as it sounds it feels sort of comforting knowing not everyone is all happily coupled up (I do feel guilty saying that).

      It just feels so tough sometimes being single, I’m in the age group where it’s expected and you’re considered a bit weird for not being married with kids at my age where I live. I noticed how my oldest friend’s husband dictated who she could and couldn’t invite to their wedding, how she does the bulk of the childcare whilst also working, and how he won’t even take the baby so that she can talk to me on the phone for half an hour, so that I have to listen to an ill screaming baby down the phone. Total selfishness and it really annoys me. My friend is a lovely kind woman but I know she feels grateful to have him since he’s better than a lot of the terrible options out there so of course she’ll just put up with everything. Our friendship has slowly crumbled since she met him, for example we used to go on holiday together and I always used to go down and stay with her, but since moving in with him she’s not invited me down to stay once. Stuff like that. I feel abandoned due to my singleness. But, in the end I’ll have to figure out my own path rather than lament it. I know there are quite a lot of women out there in my position but it’s just finding and connecting with them. I’m glad you’re dating yourself and having a good time.

    • #81576
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Hi SunshineRainFlower
      It sounds like you are living in a residential family area…then of course you’d feel a little alone when single and it indeed can be compared to a 50s living style.
      I used to live in a town next to the beach, with only families and now I live in a city, with lots to do, lots of activities and options and single people so I don’t stand out at all. ( which I like!)
      You could consider living in London (or any other big city you fancy)? now in the summer there are great festivals, it’s full of international people too from all corner of the globe making it an interesting place to live, delicious inexpensive Indian food – you don’t have to cook! 😄 – plenty of opportunities for work, museums, theater, galleries, concerts, restaurants and most importantly; plenty of single people of your age!!🤗
      It’s all there. And if it seems to big of a city, it’s really not, each neighbourhood has got its own little ambiance and community. And there are immense parks too for the green touch. You will be so busy with hobbies, going out, working, volunteering, you will have so much to do you will never be alone. Sure the quality of the flats are absolutely terrible (it can’t get any worse really) but just to get started it’s fine, the social side matter more than the comfort doesn’t it ?
      Then your mum friends will want to come stay with you for a girly fun weekend! They’ll be happy to be around adults only and will welcome a break from their own lives, away from their house, kids, husband, dog, cat and gold fish 😉 💃

    • #81586
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Yeah, I can honestly say, I dont see any ‘happily married’ couples as well, they all seem to come with big compromises and a kind of drudgery belief, that this is family life.

      I’ve also left a lot of friendships that I felt were toxic, only spend time with those who are easy company. My dog is my company these days. I find I can be sociable now and again and like that I can keep it light with folk when I do as I dont get to know many people on a personal level – is needed.

      I wouldn’t rule out gaining a friend in someone older, if you share similar interests and have a connection, age is not important, I have a friend double my age and two more are 20 plus years older than me and I can honestly say I really enjoy their company. Older women can be wise and compassionate because they’ve been there and done it, and thus have kindness, wisdom to impart and a caring, motherly nature when you need it. They can make good friends – if you gel. They can be really interesting as well; have worked alot of it out whatever it is.

      I cant see me with some one else now either, reckon there is a lot of value in following your hobbies and seeing only folk you want to see; I dont miss the dreaded family get togethers at Christmas etc now, they used to be awful, suppose it’s great if you have a family that all enjoy spending time together – but that never happened for me in my family or his, and I kinda love that this is not part of my life anymore x

    • #81632
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I think to an extent we see what we expect to see. Honestly, some relationships are toxic (we all know that) but there are plenty which are not. My friends, mostly around your age at a guess SunshineRainFlower, are split 50/50 between those who are single and those who are not. Same with kids. Some are single mothers and some are parts of couples who have taken the decision never to have kids. I think these days this is pretty normsl. There are a few who seem to do far more domestic drudgery than their partners – although one of those has a partner single-handedly building them a house in the evenings and weekends after he gets home from work – so that seems kind of reasonable. I don’t think that those who are partnered up are happier or less happy than those who aren’t. Nor are those with kids happier or less happy, on average than those who don’t. I think the important thing for us survivors to do is to make sure that we work towards our own happiness and don’t let anyone else mess with that. And to accept that we are human and cannot achieve perfect happiness. I will admit that I have had it easy since escaping the abuse. I had only a single abuser. I was able to move a long way away from him. He hasn’t attempted any further abuse since I changed all my contact details. And I found a new partner. He isn’t perfect either. But he isn’t abusive, he does far more domestic drudgery than I do and on the whole he adds to my happiness. That has probably coloured my view optimistically. But honestly, there are good people out there. There will be friends. There may be partners if you want one.

      I would also remember that you don’t know what is going on in other people’s lives – if they don’t get in touch or reply to messages they may be ignoring you, or not like you, bit equally they could be sick, or genuinely insanely busy. And even be embarrassed that they have left it too long to reply. I lost touch with one friend because I went through a break up at the same time as her best friend committed suicide. We lived in different cities at at time and she didn’t tell me because I was going through a tough time – but I assumed sir was ignoring me as she was also a friend of my exes. It was years before one of us reached out, and I found out that actually she didn’t hate me and that it was just a case of bad timing within a friendship.

      Hope things pick up for you soon SunshineRainFlower. You have made such progress. And your journey can take you wherever you like.

    • #81658
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Amen to that!

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