14th June 2020 at 1:42 pm #106318
There are five stages a victim of DA will find herself in during a relationship:
Denial, Acceptance, Realisation, Flight, Recovery.
Draw yourself a big triangle and divide it into five pieces by drawing horizontal lines across it.
In the widest chunk at the bottom write Denial, the next chunk up is Acceptance, the next up is Realisation, the next is Flight, then the little tip at the top is Recovery. That tip is so little because not many ladies make it there.
Then add a ladder. The ladder is always in Denial to Realisation, and always just one rung away from Flight.
For years I lived up and down between Denial, Acceptance and Realisation, with a Flight every so often, then sucked back in to his lies and going between D, A, R again. I never made it to Recovery until I left for the… let’s just say it wasn’t quite as many as the statistical 7! I gave him way too many chances though.
So the longer you are in Flight and don’t give in to him and fall for all his old tricks and attempted charm to woo you back with all the BS, you start getting nearer to Recovery. I’ve been in Recovery now for well over a decade. So keep going, you never want to go back down that ladder. There’s no ladder from Flight to Recovery. Once you’ve been in Flight for long enough you can kick that ladder away, Recovery is just the next step.
Stages of Denial
He’s tired / stressed / upset
He didn’t mean it
It was totally out of character for him
It’s the first time he’s done it
It was a mistake
DA doesn’t happen to people like me
Stages of Acceptance
He’s just a very angry / jealous man
He can’t help it, he’s had a tough life
He only does it because he loves me
It was my fault because I …
I’m not easy to live with either
He only abuses me, not the children
Stages of Realisation
This is wrong
This is making me ill / anxious / depressed
He doesn’t abuse anyone else in his life
I need help / protection
Calls to Police
Wants him to stop what he’s doing
Ready to ask for help
Stages of Flight
This has got to stop
I’m getting out of this
If I’m not here he can’t do it anymore
Need for empowerment
Need for safety and security
Reasons we return from Flight
Believing he will change
Can’t cope with not knowing what he’s doing
Post Separation Abuse, it’s easier to go back than it is to stay away
The Justice System fails us
Cannot cope with his unpredictability
No realistic options for housing / finances
Stages of Recovery
I need to be free of him
It’s about me now, not him
Rebuilding Self Esteem
Acceptance and Reflection
Positive Achievements without him
I’m over him
Post Separation Abuse
No matter how hard it is I’m not going back
This simple diagram and explanation was given in a group DA Counselling session I had a very long time ago. Being able to picture myself on this triangle, going up and down that ladder really helped me understand where I was in the cycle of abuse and where I needed to head to. I hope this resonates with someone else.
Let’s keep bumping this up the list every few days for the new ladies who are joining.
14th June 2020 at 2:45 pm #106327
Thanks for this, its really useful seeing it written down, with the details. Ive drawn it up in my diary.
I’m definitely at Flight but worried that will be let down by the judicial system because the lack of severity…I haven’t thought through the what happens if I dont get the Occupation Order and non-mol…
Will keep bumping this is one of the most helpful things Ive read, I like pyramids and diagrams.
14th June 2020 at 4:22 pm #106330WeepingwillowParticipant
Thank you for posting this x
14th June 2020 at 8:17 pm #106349Kitkat44Participant
Thank you! This is great to visualise
14th June 2020 at 8:40 pm #106363BraelynnParticipant
Love this thread!!!! Going to post this a few places because it was a lightbulb moment for me… Sometimes finding the words for things, how you can you say blah, blah….
Something just hit me here, was watching a movie about a manipulative, very charming guy in this woman’s life, who turned out to be a total snake….but, people who aren’t empathy based, who have none, I think we so believe that they do because of the pleasure they get conning us and lovebombing us in the beginning. We do see pleasure and I do think that’s very real, so it confuses us, but what we we don’t know it’s true orientation. What is it rooted in? We assume that they are like us and it’s because they love us, too and all that but what if the joy is related to a job/con well done? What if all that total loveliness that we see from them stems from that and that alone? Good question. We mistake it for something it’s not. Then later when things get ugly we get all confused about what we saw as real and we defend it. Well, it was real but “why” they felt all that may be a totally different reason than we assumed it was.
14th June 2020 at 10:54 pm #106387
15th June 2020 at 5:20 am #106404Soulsearcher18Participant
Good post, definitely makes sense.
15th June 2020 at 10:56 am #106411HeadspinningParticipant
Great post! I recognise the stages very well – especially denial! I’m now between flight and recovery. I’m feeling much better but I still get knocked off my balance by occasional random messages I ignore or a memory that pops in my head.
But I’m determined to stay strong because I know people don’t change and I know the outcome if I stepped back x
15th June 2020 at 9:59 pm #106463
22nd June 2020 at 4:37 pm #107253
Weekly bump for the new ladies
22nd June 2020 at 7:15 pm #107277ScapegoatParticipant
Thank you for posting that really makes sense. I think I’m definitely in realisation though can’t make the call to the police. I did it before ( going back a few years) then I bottled it as it was at a difficult time for me (another excuse- as always) I just can’t get out of this stage. I think I’ve been here for almost 18 months now and whilst I 100% want to be free I just can’t do it. I’m too busy feeling that some it probably is my fault as I do tend to stand up for myself now and would feel bad if he was kicked out and had nowhere to go ( I also know it would make him incredibly angry with me at the centre of his anger) I just wish it would stop and he would let me go. He doesn’t want to be with me anyway, everyday he tells me how disgusting I am, how he can get somebody better ( wish he would🙏) How I’ve ruined his life and that I’m entitled to nada.
But thank you for the post, it really does make sense.
22nd June 2020 at 8:31 pm #107290LifebeginsParticipant
Scapegoat I’m just slightly ahead of you moving from realisation to flight. I could write the exact same story as you. Not sure how long you’ve been on this forum but it’s been a god send for me. If anything I wish I had started planning for flight earlier so I could be better prepared. Might be something to think about.
23rd June 2020 at 8:38 pm #107405
24th June 2020 at 3:39 am #107451JustHadEnoughParticipant
Thank you for bumping this I’m new and it’s helped me visualise my situation a lot better and understand why I go up and down (I’m not mad I’m human and it’s ok!!) I’m in The realisation stage and after talking to domestic abuse team I realise this is the long game I have to play – ie get all my ducks in a line so I can leave already prepared with knowing where and have a little money to help me. It’s the financial uncertainty that has always worried me and now knowing that I can do this in my own time is a little bit of control I have. I can do this and I b****y well will.
24th June 2020 at 9:05 am #107465Same-againParticipant
I’ve been pin balling between realisation and flight (or fight) for a while.
I can picture myself and the pin balling is taking it’s toll. I’ve been bashed around in that pin ball triangle and I need to bounce out of it and make a leap to RECOVERY.
I need to stop. I need to look after me.
Wish me luck ladies.
24th June 2020 at 9:16 am #107466JustHadEnoughParticipant
Same-again I know exactly how you feel. Wishing you luck too xx
27th June 2020 at 11:24 am #107772
Bumping for the women who are doubting, for the women who are wondering, for the women who need some reassurance. Reach out when you feel comfortable, there will always be somewhere here to listen. xx
30th June 2020 at 1:36 pm #108258
Bumping for the new women on the forum.xx
2nd July 2020 at 9:29 am #108466
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