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I stumbled across a writing today about how Elephants are kept by their keepers with a thin rope and its link to abuse in humans. There are several versions.
The one I read just had eloquently put what a lot of my reasons for not leaving earlier.
I don’t know if I will be ever free of that rope. I hope we will.
I still do mental checks about what might happen if I do this and have not done things, just because it might give him another way in to abuse not me but the children.
And that makes me sad, because there is a lot I could and should be doing for them and a lot I can’t for fear he will come across it and start to destroy their lives again and for that they miss out, or my life could be a little easier.
I just hope that one day, we are so far away from the source of the abuse, that I don’t have to “not do things” because I just might put the children back in harms way from one person and that rope that was around me no-longer exsists
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It’s awful, isn’t it, Suntree?
It is a kind of invisible tether.
I remember in my Pattern Changing, there was a woman there who ho explained how she was so controlled psychologically by her ex, that he didn’t even need to lock the front door when he went out: he knew she would obey him and not go out, even if he was out all day, such was the pier he has over her.
What’s helped me is to google things like ‘traits of mentally strong people’ etc. Our abusers think they are more mentally strong than us, but we can train ourselves to be mentally strong, I think.
As for him trying to wreck things: try to keep as much from him as possible, and get advice and support if he tries to sabotage things.
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Serenity, thank you for the reply.
It is always trying to do the balance especially with the internet so they can’t easily be found or followed, which means I can’t set some things up.
It means double checking people policies on who can come and take them from clubs, etc. It means telling people to not put their names publicity, no matter how proud you are of them.
It means knowing where you stand on the law, where it won’t protect and where you will stand if you do something and he then chooses to use the courts or emotional blackmail and such like.
It is saying to your children who still believe they are at fault (because he told them that) he no-longer sees them and it has nothing to do with them directly.
It is wondering if I don’t send them to places because he might turn up because it causes pain or someone in his family have had a go at him for not seeing them and he needs brownie points.
It is the wondering should I now I can leave here and go home, but that would be because I would be further from him and not because it is right for us right now.Where as if it was just me with the work that I have done, I would be shaken if I met him again, but it no-longer has the hold over me. The children, its is their safety, well being and emotional health that he destroys.
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I completely understand. It took me years to stop living in fear of him coming back for me. There are still trigger points during the year, when my anxiety goes through the roof, but on the whole things are much better.
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It is very hard when you have kids with the abuser. Try to have as minimal as possible contact with him, so that you can start your own mental development independent from his influence.
It will take very long.
I have no kids and I have zero contact for a while, but the rope still exists. It has become thinner and slightly elastic though.-
Ayanna, thank you for replying.
I agree. I have worked so hard on learning about abuse and about me that it has helped a lot.
I can also use it to help my children.
What I can’t do is keep them totally safe, because a person who shares their dna with a vulnerable child seems to have more rights than that child. Sickening and so wrong.
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