The incredibly fast dynamics of domestic abuse

[Ayanna]

I watched a video when we were just married for a year.
I was already scared of him and I could not even remember that, how early in the relationship I was gagged and silenced by him.
I feel shocked right now.
I can hear myself uttering ‘NO’ just to myself, so that he could not hear it when he did something nasty . As he walked towards me I giggled, that stupid defeated subdued giggle of an enslaved powerless woman.

I felt disgusted seeing his face, this brutal face, these merciless eyes, these violent hands, his rough and low life body.
How could I ever find such a monster attractive???
He looked like a monster even then. He oozed evil and I did not notice it.

I listen to my voice and I get the full feeling of helplessness, not knowing where to turn, being stuck with a merciless brutal slave master, the feeling of being defeated as I am in a foreign country and nobody cares about me.
That feeling …. I felt it all over again.
But this time I know I will not let this happen ever again.

Oh, I have come far and I have evolved since then.
My progress happened in an astonishing speed.
What I did not know all my life I suddenly knew within a few months and my knowledge and sensitivity have grown since then.

I cannot help but blaming myself after watching this video.
Someone like me fell for such a low life human mess.

I tell myself not to blame myself.
I tell myself I loved him and I saw the good in him, although…. where was the good? Which illusion was I chasing?
I must have been in a drug induced koma to fall for something like that.
The thing is, I never even drank any alcohol ever. Where was my brain all my life?

I am awake now.
And I will stay awake.

[Serenity]

Hi Ayanna,

I can very much identify with your post.

It’s important not to blame ourselves. How were we to know exactly what was going on in their minds? It’s so important that victims don’t blame themselves.

I read an article where it said that intelligent people are often susceptible to abusers. That is because their mind is busy weighing things up, telling themselves that they can get this difficult person to behave better, or that that person needs looking after in some way…someone with a less active mind would maybe just follow their basic gut feeling and not get involved! This rang true to me. In the future, I will be guided by my basic gut feeling. Gone are the days when I excuse people, and launch into a prolonged internal dialogue about whether that person needs my help, etc.

I think of my ex and also think ‘where was the good?’ Yes, he could be entertaining and was the life and soul in public- but his loudness and selfishness ended up getting people’s backs up soon enough. He seemed brave at first- but now I realise that is over-confidence and cockiness on his part. I read somewhere that abusers can seem irresistible at the start- but very soon become nauseating. That’s a great observation, and very true in my case.

From now on, I’m going to stay away from things that don’t ‘feel’ right and healthy to me.

It’s good that we can see how manipulative abusers can be. Hopefully, this means we will be on alert.

[Author]

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