The longing (trauma bond?)

[Hetty]

Just looking to get some advice about how I’m feeling. Been out months now. I was elated initially, didn’t miss my ex at all. It’s getting worse as time goes on – the longing. Of course I knew it would as my brain processes. But now it’s like I’m feeling it on a deep physiological level. Every fibre of my being wanting to be held by him. I honestly feel like some magnetic/electrical pull?! I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m going mad?! Also, my child’s dad (not my ex) has been making contact and messaging so that’s caused issues too. Need to get an injunction. The thing is my ex was always so supportive with regards to child’s dad. I am craving his shelter and protection. I’m worried about how vulnerable I am I terms of going back xx

[cakepops]

It’s been longer for me, and there is no possible way I will ever return. But, I do understand the feeling of missing the few positive aspects of my ex sometimes. But when I think it through I realise that actually the things he did that were positive were always conditional e.g. he would comfort me when I was upset, but only if it was a very short thing and I wasn’t allowed to get too upset (everything had to be about him overall).

Can anyone else offer you similar support for the issue you are facing?

[Darcy]

Good morning my beautiful angel… Hetty
I think what you are feeling is ‘normal’
Try and work on building your own ‘shelter and protection’ and strengthen what you have already put in place for yourself since you left.
I believe the magnetic/electrical pull is true as well… so maybe we are both mad …
😂😂😂
You may have been connected to him in the first place through a past life experience or soul contract.
When we meet with people we form energetic cords from them to ourselves. In the case of an abusive partner these cords are very strong and hard to break.
Google or YouTube cord cutting meditations, and soul contracts
If you want a bit more detail about all this send me a private message and I will be happy to help you… if you think I’m madder than you … I probably am 😂😂😂
Just keep focusing on yourself though and keep your boundaries strong and remind yourself of why you left and what you went through
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Empoweredhealing]

I think it’s part of the grieving?
You are still very very new out of this and your feelings are completely normal. The important thing is to not avoid them, to acknowledge that part of yourself that want to be held and loved. Then consciously hold yourself and validate that wounded self. Breathe work and meditation really helped me with this.
A major work of recovery is to look inward for love, reassurance and validation instead of outward. This is very very hard work but you can do it! I’m a couple of years out and I don’t have the intensity of longing that I used to. Looking back, I know now that those emotions were due to ongoing emotional attachment and enmeshment. With time and work, those feelings are replaced by inner knowing, serenity, joy.

[Hetty]

Thank you everyone ❤️

[Watersprite]

It’s normal-reaching for familiarity when things feel uncertain or unsafe. Injunction best thing I did xSafety I am finding needs to come from within first.It’s a journey we are on xx

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi, this hit a nerve with me. Initially happy to be free, then similar time frame to you, that need to be held, to be comforted by him…how messed up I must be to. I hate him, for everything he did, everything he put me through, so how the hell can I want to be held by him when in reality I should not want to be in the same air space?

[Hetty]

There’s nothing wrong with you. It is hard to wrap our heads around knowing in our hearts the cruelty they inflicted yet yearning for them. My ex wasn’t all cruelty but the good bits only served to keep me hooked. It’s all very tactical really.
It will pass. It has done for me. There is no comfort in these men. I keep focused on keeping away. Something my future self will thank me for, but for now I’m on a rollercoaster as I adapt to life on my own. I wish I’d took the pain of separation years ago but it is what it is. Stay strong ❤️

[Sleepypigeon]

Trying to, some days are worse than others. Mostly I’m glad I’m out. But this week has been tough and I have to stop myself thinking of him, yearning to be held one last time. I hate myself for feeling this way.
I dont need him, or want him just the comfort.

[Hetty]

I understand, I really do. You’re not alone. I have tried to take comfort from my inner strength and feel proud of myself. The isolation forced on us due to covid doesn’t help ❤️

[Fudgecake]

Hi Hetty,
It’s important that we never underestimate the influence and pull of the bonds that’s created between us and them. I’ve been out quite some time now and I still think of the nice him rather than the the abuser side to him. I have to remind myself that the nice side of him was the false side.
On a side note, I watched a documentary series yesterday called Ted Bundy:Falling for a Killer which was taken from the view point of his ex long term girlfriend, her daughter plus the female relatives of all the victims. It was disconcerting to see his long term girlfriend admit that she might have been taken in by him once more when he reached out to her at the time of his approaching execution. She never did though as her daughter intercepted the letter he’d wrote and burnt it before her mum could see it – she feared her mum would get sucked back in. It just goes to show how deep these bonds are and for us all to be wary.

[Author]

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