The Looks they give, or not

[Soulsearcher18]

Through all of this…a very, very loooong time.
I’ve got used to people looking at me a certain way, or not looking at all-being ignored.
I’ve got used to the impact of that on my children and to a certain extent have navigated it and got through it, it has made things tougher though.
So, I wanted a new life, a fresh start. I hoped for that, knew it wouldn’t be easy- would still be open to judgement being a single parent and it’s a small world so they’d likely find out stuff. But no, it was not to be and that wasn’t permitted and he’s around again, he’s permitted to continue his dialogue and infiltrate.
Worse now, we’ve an actual label. Doesn’t matter the reality of the situation, the label says it all to people right. They hear the label, they make up their mind-make their judgements.
So, more to battle through-dealing with him and now the stigma of the label and all that goes with it.
I have developed a somewhat thick skin to people’s judgement, I have learnt well how to support my children to navigate it.
But still, it does hurt. I’m not afraid to say it here- it hurts a lot. I just want to belong, for it to be easy and to not have to wonder who will speak, who won’t. Not have to feel it’s best to just not look their way. Not to fear how this might impact my children.

I will get over it. Sadly, it’s something I am used to from before, from the picture he was able to paint of me, which he allowed to continue to do.

I have those around me that I can trust, who do know the full picture and are incredibly supportive. I have built on this and made other connections with those who understand too. I am stronger for all of this but when life can be hard enough anyway, it just doesn’t make it an easier, you know? I just wish this bit could be a little easier.

Anyone else struggle with the judgement? The looks, or complete blanks from others?

[Hazydayz]

Hello Soulsearcher18, hope your ok. If I am understanding what your sharing with us here, I feel I might be? Then yes, I can honestly say I know how your feeling. Being Judged by those who don’t really know or see your side of things. Things that don’t impact on them or their lives. It’s hard to bare, isn’t it. Your not alone 💞

[Soulsearcher18]

Thanks Hazydayz, I try to be cryptic with it so as not to give too much away but hope that those in the know catch onto what I’m on about. I think I just sound a bit off it though?! 🙂
But yes, you get me and I know I shouldn’t let it but it just got me that day, it’s not so much around me, I mean I would love it to be easy and dandy but I can handle it- I’m old enough to not care s***s about it but I care so bad about my children. So, So much- I give a million and then some s***s about them and i just want them to , hate to say it but be normal and fit in…there, I said it… normal and fit in….normal and fit in…
Urghhh, who am I trying to kid? I mean, when you think of it, their mother goes right against the grain doesn’t she? I mean, they can put posters up and splash it all over tv and social media and ‘raise awareness’ but when we live in a patriarchal society and most systems are set up in this way – you’re not going to fit if you rally against it are you? Especially when you repeatedly do so and you don’t bow down and you refuse to give in…Nope, no chance.
Best accept I’m different and get on with it then hadn’t I?
If I think back, I actually hated conforming anyway- never sat right with me from a very young age. Now I know why, I know what the process was setting me up for.
You know what, 2 fingers to that. I’ll do me own bit of educating on the side with my kin, feed them the antidote – foster a love of the wild and wildness, offer them the opportunity to question and challenge, show them how to question and challenge-demonstrate it.

I’m waffling now so I’ll stop there but
Yep, I’m back- it was just a momentary wobble that’s all.

Thanks again Hazydayz

Soulsearcher

[Author]

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