22nd June 2016 at 6:29 am #19796
It has struck me that my ex has caused me severe psychological damage, this has never happened to me before or over such a long period. This is so wrong. Nobody should have their peace of mind affected badly by another person. I suppose it is up to us to find ways of managing the after effects of abuse and then going back to the beginning, spotting abusers in the first place and trying to avoid them. When I was dating i was reading a dating book called The Rules. There was a chapter in it about identifying good and bad men and the characteristics to avoid, the chapter was called Buyer Beware. I was ashamed and embarrassed to say that my ex fitted all of the characteristics of a Buyer Beware but by then I was so loved bombed out I could not deal with it. I have learnt this lesson dearly and will pay attention in the future. I would have saved myself years of torture and mental health destruction had i taken the advice. It is simple advice like is he reliable, does he treat you with respect, how does he act on your birthday or Christmas, does he drink excessively.
22nd June 2016 at 7:13 am #19800Confused123Participant
I think a lot of us ignored the feelings or red flags as we know , yes def a long painful lesson learnt
22nd June 2016 at 7:29 am #19802SerenityParticipant
Yes, these men do affect our mental health, as well as our physical health.
When I used to hear the term ‘domestic abuse’ I never fully appreciated the complexity of it, the terrible damage that could be done on so many levels.
I think you are like me, HA, you have a ‘need to understand’ things in life. You seem to be a voracious reader, like me. I think that like with me, understanding and learning about abuse will help you to heal. Not least, learning about this subject will help protect you in the future. But are you taking enough time out to do things that are therapeutic? Taking care of your physical health is do important. Are you resting enough and eating very healthily?
Extreme self-care is very important as you heal. Finding ways to connect with your body.
You will be well armed for the future in terms of recognising the signs of a perpetrator. Have you thought of doing a Freedom course? It is lovely to learn and to
talk about your experience whilst with other, supportive people. I have kept in touch with a number of ladies who I met on this course. I think they are probably friends for life. They know exactly what I mean when I need to talk, about my situation, and they get me whereas family and friends might not ( because they’ve not been through it). I think feeling connected to other people is a major part of healing.
Trading up,about abuse is an important part of healing. Educating yourself is an important part of protecting yourself in the future, and understanding abuse helps you heal.
Make sure you read the kind of things that are gentle and supportive and don’t scare you. I find that I can get depressed if I read too much about the most malignant types of power and control, or read things that discuss it too,generally, as I then start to think all the world is horrible: I need to be choosy in what I read, and need to read things which are gently encouraging and positive in the face of abuse. I give myself a rest from reading, too. I run, cook, meet friends and force myself to talk about other things for a little while.
There is a wonderful piece here ( below) which I think might help you a bit. I think it links in with what you wrote in another post, about how you did wonderful things with your ex and planned wonderful things for him to do, as I did with my ex. I organised all kinds of exciting things for him. I love love how it emphasises how what abusers do is because they are who they are not because we are who we are, and the bit where it says that we can paint the most beautiful picture, but the abuser would still not appreciate it, but that doesn’t mean that the painting is not beautiful; that our greatest masterpiece is yet to be painted- without them.
I also love it how it says that our reactions are normal. We weren’t weird to want attachment- this is normal, normal people form attachment. Abusers can’t. At least we know we are normal!
22nd June 2016 at 11:16 am #19820
Dear serenity, thank you so much for this detailed & thought out response. I have read this but want to read it again properly tonight when I, m not at work. I have read the attachment, I believe that this is what has happened to me & what I am trying to manage, this article is going to really help me, again I need to read this again tonight. I have suffered great psychological damage at the hands and feet another person, but at the same time I believe that I have inner strength & resilience & will eventually get through it. I am pleased he only had me for a short time. X*x❤
22nd June 2016 at 11:17 am #19822
At the hands of another person.
22nd June 2016 at 1:56 pm #19834SerenityParticipant
I think Zari Ballard’s writing is very good to read. She is strong and positive X
22nd June 2016 at 9:22 pm #19869
Thank you very much for your post today Serenity. I read it at work today and I know that it is what I need to read, think about and absorb, as it very accurately reflects what I am dealing with at the moment. I dont know about you, but when I come across information which I know is able to help me, something inside my brain shuts down, as thought I am prevented from reading it. Quite a few times i’ve come across information which I know is so relevant and what I need, I go to read it and something happens that I cannot read it, just cannot focus or take the information in. I have tried breaking the text down into chunks, paragraphs and reading it slowly over a period of time, this seems to help. Yes I enrolled for the Freedom programme 5 weeks ago, unfortunatly I was told that a space wouldn’t be available until September! I was disapointed. My family try to encourage me to stop talking about the negative and try to focus on nicer stuff as you have suggested, i will try to do this. I’m currently drinking an absolutely delicious green juice that I have made following your advice about healthy food at the moement. I think I might put down some of the books that I’m reading , Dangerous Personalities is hardcore in terms of gruesomeness, i might get out a Bill Bryson who always puts a smile on my face. Nice soak in the bath tonight is called for I think. Many thanks again for your message today, I will read the article again. X*X
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