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My partner has ptsd I am sure. (Detail removed by moderator) he had a major breakdown crisis. I thought this is the last one. Crisis to me means him hailing abuse at me in a crazy state, things went off the (detail removed by moderator), he belittled me etc. He is at these moments obviously a mentally ill person and in need of help. He doesn’t remember these moments so I started filming him. He now says I can’t believe you have that for the police etc. I said it’s not for the police it’s to show you when you’re through the crisis how bad you are. He wrote on (detail removed by moderator) at the time (detail removed by moderator). Now we’re out the crisis he’s refusing to take it down. I wrote him a letter after the crisis to say we’re over because you continually refuse to get help etc. but then I felt bad and didn’t send it as he is clearly ill and i think if I was ill I wouldn’t want him to leave me when I needed him the most. Yet he’s now finding joy in leaving (detail removed by moderator) for our friends to see and in seeing it causing me pain. On top of this not one person has reached out to me after seeing it. So tonight I am feeling confused, weak and lonely.
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Hello, I would be careful here in that at the moment you sound as if you may be excusing his behaviour due to him being unwell and not having control during these periods. I don’t know your partner but I had similar outbursts that I thought he had no control of due to his health. I excused it for over a decade, it started to dawn on me that actually yes his health condition can impact moods but not for the duration of time the incident was occurring for etc. I then came up with a new excuse in my mind, his childhood, a bereavement.the list went on and then finally I realised. He never apologised after the incidents ever! Stated I don’t remember it like that or just ignored it ever happened. He had total control of what he was doing. I would expect a caring partner to remove the (detail removed by moderator)! Ideally not do it in the first place but once mentioned should take it down. What does he gain by keeping it up, guilt tripping you, making you feel bad, to stop you questioning his behaviour in the future, to make you change the way you behave…control! My thoughts only but please do not feel you need/can fix him. May have health needs and be unwell but that does not mean someone can’t apologise and mean it, he appears to have no intention of doing this. X
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The thing I see is how similar our stories are. My boyfriend speaks of suicide too, has stood on the edge of our (detail removed by moderator) threatening to jump even, but never goes through with it, does he ever truly intend on doing it? I wonder if it’s used as a control method for us and it’s an abuse of our good will to stop someone’s doing that and overlook ourselves and what we need or what’s being done to us in order to help them. It is not our responsibility to help them continually if they don’t help themselves. Yet my logic says that but I find it hard to draw a line under it and say that is enough now. Someone on here said to me can you still support but from a distance, live separately whilst they recover, or don’t, and I feel that’s an easier step to take than to finalise the relationship. Being on here and listening to others has been so helpful. I also try to remind myself that I need to stop hoping he’ll become the man I need him to be and I have to deal with the man I have. That is my reality.
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Does he have these ‘episodes’ only in front of you with no witnesses? Have a think about if you’re the only one he targets as this is domestic abuse. He chooses to behave this way and is in control. I and may others have ptsd but we do not abuse. Talk to your local women’s aid and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x
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This all seems so familiar my ex was accused of rape it came out that it was false accusations. From there he had ‘breakdowns’ so to speak very similar to what ur saying he took it out on me. I forgave him because he was ill. Fast forward we split he met someone he left all of a sudden he was ill so had an affair. We had a huge court battle I got to see his medical records he was not ill at all. Abusers use mental illness as an excuse to be abusive these are too very different things xx your being gaslighted the problem is I there’s believe them too and then we look the bad ones for leaving someone I’ll. it’s all a big excuse and I wish I had seen through him so much earlier xx there’s no excuse for domestic abuse xx 😘
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Mine boyfriend today has decided to get counselling and so now I am the big bad person for not supporting him. I am so relived that he’s getting counselling though the rest doesn’t matter, the pressure feels off me. I do believe I being manipulated but you don’t trust your judgement anymore. I rock between helping him so much and then wanting to leave him. I believe he is a good person then realise he will still treat me poorly. I have hope then I am let down again. It’s a constant rollercoaster of highs and lows. How do you think you would have handled things differently knowing now the truth?
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Very differently xx I was where u were I was unaware of the most potent type of manipulation it’s called push and pull look it up it’s really like conditioning xx you end up feeling So vulnerable You believe it’s you being weak it’s not xx you feel like he is the only man left in the world xx if that makes sense. Looking back I wish I had saw this but I was too close to it xx I read his notes in black and white no mental health problems he was abusive he admitted he couldn’t control his anger xx the penny dropped finally after (detail removed by moderator)! I wasted so much time it’s not easy to do but your going to have to get tough xx 😘 get out safely and with help darling xx 😘
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That is a really good question what would you do differently. For me I think not have moved in together so quickly so I didn’t feel as stuck, to have kept my job so I felt more secure and independent, not to have let the incidents be swept under the carpet as easily, to have told someone I trusted sooner, to not have taken on his problems as my own, not to have stayed for as many years as I did but one thing I would not change is ending the relationship x
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Moderator please can u delete my last post too much info that’s probably not relevant …for some reason it will not let me edit
Basically main thing is…mental health , support is there if they are willing to accept it and you can support them in getting that help… But don’t let it excuse abusive behaviour ..set boundaries and stick to them. X
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